Raw Review – May 23, 2011
-So, the mainstream media FINALLY seems to be picking up the fact that professional wrestlers are dropping dead at an alarming rate. Of course, wrestling fans have been screaming about this for YEARS but we’re just knuckle-dragging rednecks who watch oil guys pretend to fight…so what do we know?
-Anyways, here is the list of performers from WrestleMania VII who are no longer with us…
Like I said, what do we know?
-Anyways, Over the Limit was last night and, with the exception of Christian vs. Orton, you really didn’t miss much unless really wanted to see John Cena beating two guys by himself.
-LIVE! from Portland, Oregon (home of rain and illegal Canadian immigrants)
-Jerry Lawler introduces Bret Hart to the live crowd but R-Truth wants to lay some wisdom on us. Truth complains about not getting a title shot and decides the best course of action is to give away sunglasses like Bret. However, it’s a SWERVE because he TAKES THEM BACK as Lawler is disgusted….my God, the evil.
But, since there’s a spotlight to be hogged, John Cena is not far away. Truth goes all schizo on Cena for a few minutes until John threatens him with senseless violence. The Anonymous Raw GM stops things before Cena can kill again and books Cena/Mysterio vs. Truth/Punk with Bret Hart as the referee.
-Meanwhile, Big Show & Kane have the audacity to lean on Alberto Del Rio’s ride and he gives them a verbal smackdown in Spanish.
WWE Tag Team Titles
Big Show & Kane vs. David Otunga & Mike McGillicutty
Punk joins us on commentary, instantly making the show 100% better. Kane hammers away on Mr. Hudson so he runs away but he even manages to screw that up and gets beaten down on the outside. Big Show comes in with chops as Punk explains he had a 120 degree fever last night, which obviously explains why he lost. McGillicutty tags in and gets his ass kicked as well, running into a big boot and getting tossed to the outside so we can take a break.
We return with Kane trapped in the heel corner for no adequately explained reason as Punk totally buries Josh Matthews. Otunga hits a neckbreaker for two but, since he’s a loser, he loses control quickly and runs into a big boot, resulting in the hot tag to Big Show. McGillicutty gets destroyed but Mason Ryan runs interference, allowing Punk to kick Show in the back of the head and a double DDT gets the pin and the titles.
Winners and NEW Champions: David Otunga & Mike McGillicutty
-Nevermind the fact that it should have been an instant DQ when Mason Ryan ran in or the fact that this win does absolutely nothing to help Nexus and you’ll be OK. I’m sure Kane and Show will squash them like bugs in the next match to ensure nothing comes of this *1/2.
-Does anyone else think that the Capitol Punishment poster is a rather desperate and somewhat pathetic attempt to cause “controversy” so people pay attention to the event?
-Meanwhile, Big Show and Kane are really mad….SHOW SMASH!!!!!! Alberto Del Rio laughs and smacks Big Show and we get “technical problems” so that we don’t see Ricardo run over Show’s leg with a car. Well, that’s a little dramatic, I’d say.
-After a break, Big Show WALKS OFF being run over by a car. That’s right kids, a 1000 lbs. of steel cannot stop him because he’s a giant…sigh.
Jack Swagger vs. Evan Bourne
I’ve seen this movie before. Bourne sticks and moves but runs into a big boot and Swagger slams him down for two. Swagger works the arm but misses the running pump splash so Bourne kicks away and gets a rollup for two. Evan tries a a hurricanrana but Swagger turns it into a gutwrench powerbomb to get the pin.
Winner: Jack Swagger
-Oh no, now we have to sit through another Jack Swagger push…haven’t I been tortured enough? Bourne gets a cheapshot while Swagger is gloating, ensuring we haven’t seen the last of this. The match was a glorified squash 3/4*.
-Michael Cole solemnly walks out and asks for forgiveness from everyone in the arena. Lawler accepts him back into the announce position, so hopefully that’s the end of all the Cole-King nonsense.
-You know, if they would have let Natalya be the special referee in the Kiss My Foot match, we would have had wrestling’s VERY FIRST Nat-King-Cole match.
-Oh shut up, you didn’t think of it.
-Anyways, the Miz hits the ring and again blames Alex Riley for him not winning the title last night. He asks for another world title shot but the Raw GM thankfully denies his request. Isn’t Riley on Smackdown anyways? Miz goes nuts and fires Riley once and for all, which causes Riley to snap and kick Miz’s ass all around ringside. He gets a pretty good pop for his turn but we’ll see if they can maintain it.
The Bellas, Maryse & Melina vs. Eve, Beth Phoenix, Kelly Kelly & Gail Kim
I didn’t even know Melina was still employed…what’s the point of keeping her around? Cole sucks up to the women while Kelly beats up one of the Bellas. That lasts all of 10 seconds before Kharma’s music hits and she appears to take on all 8 women…but breaks down and cries. OK?
-DUD, of course.
-Why do they have to add “drama” like this? Why can’t Kharma just be the monster who destroys all the swimsuit models and wins titles? Why does she have to be a headcase? God forbid we book a WRESTLING angle.
Kofi Kingston vs. Drew McIntyre
They start with a quick sequence but McIntyre cuts Kofi’s knee on a leapfrog attempt and goes to work on the injured limb. He wraps it around the post and even breaks out the ring post figure four, probably because Bret’s here, that gets two. McIntyre piddles around a bit with the knee and Kofi leaps up with an enzuigiri and makes his babyface comeback. Boom Drop hurts the knee further because Kofi is stupid but he looks to finish anyway and the knee gives out. Powerbomb gets two for McIntyre and he hammers away in the corner. However, Kofi counters a short-arm clothesline with a package rollup and gets the win.
Winner: Kofi Kingston
-Really rushed and not much here but they tried **.
-We get the same unfunny fake news conference from last night.
-Meanwhile, Alberto Del Rio blames Ricardo for what happened to the Big Show.
-We finally get the “Macho Man” Randy Savage tribute video and it’s as great as you would expect it to be. Rest in peace, Macho Man…you were always a Hall of Famer to us. The tribute video will be all over the internet tomorrow so be sure to check it out.
CM Punk & R-Truth vs. John Cena & Rey Mysterio
Bret Hart is YOUR special guest referee. CM Punk becomes my personal hero by wearing Randy Savage-inspired rights, rocking the pink trunks with 3 stars…AWESOME. Cena dominates Truth to start and dumps him, which allows us to take a break.
We return with Cena controlling Punk with a bulldog, so Punk hides behind Bret Hart and gets a cheapshot to turn the tide. Cena settles into the Ricky Morton role as Truth whips him into the corner for two and brings in Punk for a Russian leg sweep and another near fall. Punk drops a knee from the second rope for another two from Bret, which was a little slow…come on, Bret, fairness on all ends please.
Truth tags in with a suplex for two and gets in Bret’s face, which can’t end well, and that gives Cena a chance to recover and get a boot in the corner. Punk is smart though and cuts off the tag with a backbreaker. He looks for the Go 2 Sleep but Cena DDTs out of it for the double KO and finally gets the hot tag to Rey Rey.
Flying headscissors and hurricanrana kill Punk dead but Truth saves and delivers the Shut Up to Cena. He takes a little too long celebrating through and Rey gets him from behind. Punk tries to sneak up from behind with the GTS but Bret punches him in the face and applies the Sharpshooter. Rey drops a springboard legdrop while Punk is in the move and, of course, that’s enough for the win.
Winners: John Cena & Rey Mysterio
-Obviously just meant to be a fun and energetic match and that’s what it was **3/4. It also gives Punk another thing to whine and complain about, so I’m fine with the finish.
The night after a PPV is usually a throwaway show and that’s pretty much what this was. Unless you want to see Big Show no-sell getting run over by a car, you could skip this one.