Beyond The Pond – The WWE Network: Is This A Rib?

Hello there. I’m David, a British writer and prolific WWE fanboy. Welcome to my column, Beyond The Pond, whereby I shall be dissecting the happenings within WWE faster than a Randy Orton entrance and with more comedy than Sandow’s existence. Let’s begin with an easy target, shall we: The WWE Network.

With the same amount of fanfare that is typically reserved for royal coronations or the moment you teach your dog not to crap on the carpet, the WWE Network was finally launched for us lucky British and Irish folk on the 19th of January. What has preceeded since then is one incredibly poor Royal Rumble, one fantastic WWE World Heavyweight Championship match and Corey Graves’ neck tattoos in wondorous HD glory. But then again, you didn’t need the WWE Network to see any of those things. My wallet still hurts from seeing it all on TV after Jeff Hardy’s cocaine habit spilt all over the Northwest. So let me dissect the facets that I would send to NXT and those I would relegate to Superstars. Ohh. Diva burn.

The Good

I can’t help but feel, much like English breakfasts, that the grease is almost the best part. The joy of knowing that you are eating something comfortable that you know you are going to spew out to everyone later is about as classy a thing as can happen. Therefore, NXT is my good old bacon, sausage and beans. It’s so nice to finally find a wrestling show that listens to its fans, since I still have doubts of the validity of Cyber Sunday 2006 (I wanted Dusty, not Roddy). Watching NXT every week is like a smooth massage from that partner you’ve been meaning to get for a while now: it feels eerily good and you wonder why you are excited in places that have no reason to be excited. Tip of my bowler hat to Triple H, who, despite having to be the poster boy for failing RAW concepts, seems to shine as the innovator of next generation wrestling. And that’s my fanboy-ing over, now onto the eminent afterbirth.

The Bad

I can’t say I’m overly bitterly disappointed with the Network, but much like Rusev, I don’t understand  why it needs to wear such tight shorts. The ill fitting material round the bulge of the Network is its Network ‘exclusives’, much like Legends House and the first season of Total Divas. I watched these programs hoping for something I could comfort hug as I grow wearily tired of life’s little annoyances. Instead watching these programs was the viewing equivalent of drinking rotten milk and then deciding it would be better if we had it in a hot drink. It was a congealed mess. I can’t say it was all bad: Natalya has slowly crept in as one of my favourite personalities in WWE, not purely for her wrestling skills but it’s comforting to know that I’m not the only person in their physical prime who’d rather have sex with Tyson Kidd than be the party girl. However, the amount of times I threw up during Legends House for seeing Mean Gene, Howard and Jimmy Hart take their shirts off whilst Hillybilly wore socks and sandals made my family believe I came down with the Norovirus.

The Seemingly Confusing

This wasn’t originally going to be mentioned, but I feel sometimes that less is more. Much like pumping tequila into an IV drip, Paul Heyman on WWE Breaking News was something that initially seemed a good idea but, halfway through, you realise it wasn’t quite a necessity and you’ve gone ahead and made your patients a little bit too merry when they should be resting. I am a Paul Heyman fan and even I thought this was a little contrived. I sat down watching it thinking that if this can be commissioned at a moment’s notice, then I am scared to speculate what could possibly be done next. Maybe we’ll get to see the long-awaited moment where Vince gets to actually slap our collective faces with his di…

The ‘It Was Worth The Year Delay For This’ Moment

I’m writing this column before NXT Rival, so as of yet I’ve not seen anything that can justifiably defend the delayed launch. I stood watching out the window, waiting like a loyal dog for that Network to come. As it did, I wagged my tail, ran to the door and greeted the Network like my new owner. It’s only now do I realise that my new owner may have the last name of Vick because part of me feels a tad abused by WWE. It’s not that they have done anything deliberate to alienate me, but spare for a few tasty PPVs I couldn’t watch when I was 9 and some DVD specials that have saved me a bit of money (Paul Heyman’s DVD genuinely made me feel happier than… I actually couldn’t think of a happy WWE metaphor. Go figure.) there was nothing I could really stick my teeth into. I leave the Network as I entered it: excited for the promise of tasty seconds but realise it may just be a one-night-stand that will call in a few weeks with some news that might make you need the $9.99 you so willingly handed over.

Just allow me to be your WWE Network fall guy. I’ll tell you if there’s anything worth watching and you guys can then just thank me with nice comments and maybe some chocolates, I’m easy guys.

What do you think? Comment below with your thoughts, opinions, feedback and anything else that was raised.