Brain Farts: The Slammys!
(Writer’s note: Greetings, folks at PWMania. My name is Tom Gibbs, and i’m an on and off columnist for various WWE, TNA, and general wrestling discussion. I am back writing for The Wrestling News Page (TWNP.com), but Andy Steven was kind enough to offer me a writing opportunity for this site, and for that I thank him. The column you see below is of my latest work at TWNP which discusses the Slammys. It’s a bit more humorous than my usual stuff, and i’m not definite on continuing to write this way. Also, i’m not sure how this is going to look when it’s posted, so I apologize in advance if it looks weird. I’m new to how posting on this site works. Anyway, i’ll be sure to have a new column up sometime later this week, ideally before Christmas. Alright, that’s enough ranting for me. Enjoy the column, and i’ll see you all later!)
Hey there boys and girls!
Remember me? I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t. My last column was back in May, and then I went and disappeared. Obviously i’m not dead, and I didn’t get kidnapped by the mafia, so where did I go? Nowhere, really. I just gave up. I think it was because I forced a deadline on myself, and I got pressured to constantly write serious detailed columns about wrestling topics as opposed to just talking about what went on during Raw or Smackdown. I’m not saying that’s a bad way of writing, but it wasn’t how I wanted to write at the time. As a result, I got stressed and occupied myself with other things. It’s probably a common thing for others, and I might do it again at some point, but for now I think i’ll change my format a bit and try writing in a way that’s less stressful for me. Who knows, maybe i’ll stick around. To those of you who read my columns and were sad that I stopped (all one of you), I apologize. I’m sure there are other columnists on this site ten times better than me, so it’s not like I was needed. Anyway, i’m going to try and write something shorter and less painful on my brain. Let’s see how THAT goes. Also, as part of my return, I changed the name to Brain Farts. I figure it fits cause i’m thinking of things, and much like a fart, it passes through the room and everyone gets a good whiff of it.
Okay, been awhile since I did this, so let’s try getting the “ring rust” out.
Yes, the WWE Slammys occurred this Monday, and the awards were…various to say the least.
Let me just pull up the ol’ WWE website. It’s the ONLY place to get the most trusted and unbiased wrestling news in the entire inter-webs after all.
Ah, here they are!
Superstar Of The Year (aka the ‘Lets Give John Cena An Award’ award)
Diva Of The Year (Nobody cared to vote, so they were all thrown in a battle royal and awarded the one(s) who sucked the least)
WWE Moment Of The Year (Cause people wait a lifetime for moments like these)
“Oh Snap” Meltdown Of The Year (I’m surprised this wasn’t sponsored by Slim Jim)
Shocker Of The Year (I was shocked that David Arquette was on my television screen)
Despicable Me Award (Again, why wasn’t this a sponsored award? It’s all about the mon-eh Vince!)
Holy %&^*%&* Move Of The Year (Explicit language in my PG WWE? I don’t think so!)
Guest Star Shining Moment (Boy it’s hard to pick just one, isn’t it?)
Knucklehead Moment Of The Year (The second award named after a movie. At least this one is one of their own.)
WWE Universe Fan Reaction Award (The nominations must be in the trillions! The universe is pretty big after all.)
“And I Quote” Line Of The Year (You can quote me when I say ‘who cares?’)
And various minor awards not worth mentioning…well except for one where Rosa Mendes was awarded for using a Shake Weight…hot!
So who won? Does it really matter? Oh come on, you’re REALLY gonna make me go through the winners? …FINE! But only cause I like ya so much.
Superstar of the Year goes to John Cena. In other news, water is wet.
Diva of the year went to “Lay-cool” cause they’re so awesome and totally hawt and ohmahgawd flawless! Somebody kill me…
WWE “moment” of the year went to Shawn Michaels vs. Undertaker at WM 26. Let’s be honest, this was their way of saying ‘This was the only awesome match this year, so let’s give it to Shawn. Maybe it’ll give him a reason to come back. Eh? Eh??’ Nobody buys it.
“Oh Snap” Meltdown of the Year goes to Edge for beating up a computer with the voice of GLaDOS. The other nominees never stood a chance.
Shocker of the Year was that people actually watched the third season of NXT. Oh wait, no, it was the debut of The Nexus. Remember when they made Cena look weak that one time? Yeah, not so much these days.
The Despicable Me award goes to CM Punk for singing a creepy version of ‘Happy Birthday’ to Rey’s daughter. How DARE he wish a little girl happy birthday! What a monster! What’s next, is he going to walk little old ladies across the street? How cruel!
Holy poopie move of the year went to Cena giving Batista the Attitude Adjustment off a car and through the stage. See? You don’t need a well timed, awestruck move in a ring to win one of these things. You just need to toss someone into a hole. It also helps if you’re John Cena.
The Guest Star Shining Moment award went to Pee Wee Herman for…being…a man child? I can think of at LEAST five others more deserving. And they all end in Shatner.
Knucklehead Moment of the year went to “Lay-Cool” for getting beat up by an old lady. Wait..what?
The WWE Universe Fan Reaction Award went to…*drumroll*…THE MIZ GIRL! Congrats, kid! I hear she’s next in line for WWE Films’ remake of The Exorcist.
And finally, the “And I Quote” line of the year went to Michael Cole. Vintage time waster!
What was the point of all this? Well mostly cause I wanted to make fun of them. But my other reason is that I was able to make fun of them, and I don’t want to. See,
in my opinion, award shows should not only be fun, but meaningful as well. It doesn’t have to be a serious affair like The Oscars, but also not a joke like The Video
Game Awards. This year was full of jokes and throwaway awards that only existed to continue a storyline or bring someone out from backstage. I get that this is a wrestling show first, but can’t we also not have things dumb down for us? How about giving an award to a newcomer who has shown the most improvement, and not to a nine year old girl with a scary face? Maybe we could give credit to wrestlers who do amazing moves in the ring, and not to celebrities crying out for attention? Call me crazy, but when I think of a wrestling award show, I think of categories that involve wrestling. But wrestling is a naughty word for Vince, so we’ll never really get that. Instead we get categories that are used once, maybe twice, and never heard from again. Instead we get crappy one liners from Teddy Hart and Kelly Kelly. Nobody takes these awards seriously, not even the guys making them, so why on earth should I? To be fair, WWE never really took the Slammys seriously. Even back in the eighties and nineties there were categories such as ‘Best Performance By An Animal’, ‘Best Personal Hygiene’, ‘Best Tattoo’, and ‘Best Bow Tie’. Imagine if those categories were around back in 2009. At least three of them would’ve gone to Batista alone. What? I hear he smells good.
I suppose i’m done ranting for now. Do you guys like what I did? Or Was it silly and I should go back to my old ways? Should I never write again? C’mon, I can take it! Also, what are your thoughts on the Slammys? Should they stay the way they are, or should they be given a serious and more respected approach. How would you change things?
If you want to send me a question or a comment, or if you want to nominate me for ‘Best Bow Tie’ of 2010, e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org.