santa-xmas

Posted On 12/23/2013 By In Columns, News

Christmas Presents For The WWE Roster

With Christmas fast approaching, it is only fitting to dish out some humorous Christmas gifts to some of the hard working men and women of the WWE. By some, I mean some of them are hard working, while others are not. I’ve tried to come up with gifts that will fit the WWE superstars well, but if you have any ideas of better gifts, feel free to suggest some of your own in the comments section.

WRESTLERS

Alberto Del Rio
This one is simple, significance. Not sure if it is possible to give someone the gift of significance, but if so, ADR gets is. This guy is a two time WWE champion and a two time World Heavyweight Champion who has won the Royal Rumble, and yet it seems like he only goes over people who don’t matter in the company. Anytime he fights anyone relevant, he loses, sometimes more than once. In fact recently, when he fights people who are irrelevant, he loses.

Antonio Cesaro
A push in to the main event. This guys has the in ring ability and the mic skills. The WWE needs to rid him of this stupid Real American gimmick and give him some main event feuds.

Big E Langston
More powder for his hands. He needs to keep using that stuff.

Big Show
The Aktins (or some other) diet book. This guy does not know how to lose weight. How many times has he vanished from TV to lose weight? The first time he did it, he returned even fatter. After his return in 2005 I think he was at his fattest. they had him listed at over 500 pounds. Now he is listed at about 440, but let’s face it, he’s still a fat pie.

Brodus Clay
A better hairstyle.

Christian
Good health. The WWE is currently in need of more entertaining wrestlers who can wrestle and talk just as well. Hope he manages to stay healthy for more than a few months.

CM Punk
Some faith in God. It’s Christmas! It’s the season to be happy that Jesus was born. Oh and perhaps some laser treatment too, he’s gone overboard with the tatoos (though if I’m going to go there I should start with The Undertaker).

Cody Rhodes
A singles run. They took him away from Sandow, only to put him in to another tag team.

Curtis Axel
Charisma!!!! Bags of it.

Damien Sandow
Some fans who are on his level. All people do when he talks is boo, but he’s so intellectual and talks so much sense, they would be better of listening to some of his wisdom. He needs people on his level.

Daniel Bryan
A trip to the hairdresser to shave off that big old beard and get a haircut. On the other hand he could dye it white and be one of those street Santa’s, but after Christmas, get rid of it!

David Otunga
A different job. Is he even in the WWE anymore?

Dolph Ziggler
Some humble pie. His in ring work is great. No issues with him on the mic. It’s just, this guy is is just too cocky, even as a face.

Fandango
All the ‘Dancing with Stars’ DVD’s. He’d love those.

Goldust
Some long lasting face paint. It wears off any time he goes more than 15 minutes in to a match.

Great Khali
A moveset for crying out loud. I know he’s massive, but he can’t go on just hitting chops and having one minute bouts. Give him at least a couple more moves and perhaps a walking stick since he seems to have problems moving about.

Hornswoggle
A mini walking stick, he also seems to have problems moving about. Both he and Khali look constipated.

3 Man Band
Coal. Not sure if they’re still known as 3MB, but whatever you call them, they still suck. I’d give coal to the writer who made this idea up as well. Separate them and give each of them some gimmicks we can pretend to care about.

Jack Swagger
A few more wins. He was jobbing mercilessly after being given that Real American gimmick. Would be nice to see him in a singles competitor again.

John Cena
A rock and roll CD. Perhaps heavy metal. He needs to be told that he doesn’t have to dress and act the way he does, there’s no need for these subcultures. Oh and a bed so he can lay down for a few people, rather than go over everyone.

Kane
A nice retirement. He deserves it, or at least, he does not deserve to constantly be repackaged over and over and over again. They’ve had him as a monster, they’ve had him as a goofball with Daniel Bryan. They’ve had him with a mask and sleeves, one sleeve, no sleeves, then a different type of mask, then no mask, then a mask again, now no mask again, with a suit. Just stop!

Kofi Kingston
His birth certificate. I need to find it and get it sent to him. Where is he from? Jamaica or Ghana? I’m not sure he even knows. Was he born in two places at the same time? Oh and a heel Kofi would be interesting as well. He is a likable guy, but it would be nice to see how far he could go as a ‘baddy.’

Los Matadores
A different gimmick perhaps?

Mark Henry
An entry in to a World’s Strongest Man competition. If he wins, then he can be referred to as the world’s strongest man, because right now, he aint.

The Miz
Some more time in the ring. Is he a wrestler or a journalist? Why was a former world champion and Wrestlemania main eventer spending his time interviewing people and recapping what’s going on in the WWE? It’s nice that he is a heel again [I think]. Keep it that way.

Prime Time Players
A go on then! The tag team titles, only because I’m feeling very generous.

R Truth
Roaddogg. Team up, change your name back to K Kwik and let’s continue the tag team that was cut short 12 years ago by Roaddogg’s firing for drugs. He is back in the WWE now, so it shouldn’t be that hard to do. Either that or give him a platinum album, because he is insignificant in wrestling these days.

Randy Orton
I really don’t know. He is doing pretty well for him self. How about 100 hours charity work?

Rey Mysterio
I could be cruel here and mention something about his height, but let’s just say good health.

Ryback
More PPV wins. Beating lower card guys in the opener on Raw and Smackdown is one thing, but a PPV win is more important. If he is being pushed as a monster, then he can’t go any more PPV’s without getting a win. To be honest though I feel like his character is damaged goods now anyway.

Santino Marella
A nice bowl of spaghetti. What? He’s from Italy. Racism? Stereotyping? I said a nice bowl, with some cheese and stuff.

Sin Cara
Some better lighting for his wrestling matches.

Sheamus
Some hair dye. I mean it’s bad enough he’s pale as death, but add to that his red hair and it just spells disaster. Oh and a quick return from injury.

The Shield
Different wrestling gear. They must get hot.

Tensai
A ticket back to Japan. It didn’t take them long to screw up his character in the WWE.

Triple H
His hair back, he just looks weird now and his nose is more noticeable. Also Less TV time and less power.

The Undertaker
Same as Kane. Retirement. At this stage his career is being needlessly dragged out. He has beaten so many greats and it is getting more and more difficult to find anyone else that people might realistically believe can beat him. He might have a couple more Wrestlemanias in him but I hope he does not outstay his welcome. He has had a great career and there is need to ruin it but having him wrestling matches past his best.

The Wyatt Family
Some decent clothing. They’re in the WWE now, they ought to have some money to buy their own, but since they aren’t doing that, they’ll have to get some for Christmas.

Xavier Woods
A backstage pass to meet what’s left of the Jackson 5. He’d fit in great.

Yoshi Tatsu
Ticket to Japan. He is wasted in the WWE.

Zack Ryder
His own talk show. Not one on the WWE website, but a proper one, to rival Conan, Kimmel, Leno and the rest. He seems to have enough followers on twitter, so his talk show would have ratings.

DIVAS

AJ Lee
Something to take her away from WWE television for a long time. She irritates the crap out of me.

Aksana
100 extra lessons at the WWE wrestling school, then some indy work. She can’t wrestle.

Bella Twins
Gags for their mouths. Not in a kinky kind of a way either, just shut them up, and keep them away from TV cameras too if possible.

The Funkadactyls
New gimmicks. Singles runs.

Kaitlyn
A trip to the hairdresser to shorten that hair. Her long hair keeps on tangling up and getting in the way. Just cut it off (I know it’s crap but I couldn’t think of anything).

Layla
A plane ticket to a place as far away from the WWE as possible. She never wanted to be a wrestler, she wanted to be a celebrity.

Natalya
Simple. The Diva’s title.

Summer Rae
A guaranteed Diva’s title reign sometime in the next year.

Tamina Snuka
A 1 year turbo win pack, that guarantees her immunity from losing to any diva on the WWE roster for at least 12 months. She should be squashing these bimbo’s, not jobbing to them.

Honorable mentions go out to Mr Barrett, Mr Bourne, The Usos and Mr Rodriguez. We remember you, and still care. Peace and love. Have a Merry Christmas. Please do forgive me for the ones missed out. Chances are, I missed them out on purpose because I couldn’t care less about them, or perhaps I just could not think of a Christmas present to give them (there, I admitted it). What would you give the WWE roster?

Feel free to post your thoughts, opinions, feedback and comments below.

  • http://www.ring-rap.com/ Jay Ciaravino

    John Cena needs to lay down for a few people? Really? I’m no Cena fan, but he has lost a championship twice since August. He put Bryan over at Summerslam clean, and he just lost to Orton a week ago in what according to WWE was the most important match in WWE history! But I completely agree with the gift of better lighting for Sin Cara’s matches. What’s up with that?

  • Guest

    i dont agree

  • Patrice Maltais

    What about Dolph Ziggler????

    • Jake Fury

      You are right good sir. I think that he saw your comment and amended it with his head bowed shamefully. Ziggler is a bit full of himself to be fair.

    • Wojtek Zdrojkowski

      I did indeed amend it. Thanks for the heads up. I can’t believe that I managed to forget about Ziggles.

      From Wojciech Zdrojkowski [author]

  • Phil Kimberley

    Your comment about AJ Lee means that anything else you had to say is irrelevant.

    Also, there are plenty of us that get along fine without Zeus or whatever God you’re talking about, thanks. I’m sure Punk is one of those.

  • Roberto Bayrón-Adames

    I may agree about Layla, but Cameron of the Funkadactyls is even MORE obviously only interested in being a celebrity and you wanna give her a singles run? I would split the duo, give Naomi a singles run and maybe give Cameron one of those nice tickets to Japan…

  • Junior Coradini

    Summer Rae with the Divas Title? Really????