WWE RAW (September 28, 2009)
by: Mike Shannon (DLman91@hotmail.com)
-So they managed to find someone who craves the spotlight MORE than Vince McMahon and that's Rev. Al Sharpton. There's never been a television camera he hasn't liked or a situation that he could not shoe-horn himself into. Needless to say...I'm not a big fan.
-LIVE from Albany, NY.
VIP Lounge
Mark Henry looks like the Kool-Aid Man in that red singlet.
World's Strongest Pitcher
MVP is about to introduce Al Sharpton (to a chorus of boos), but Jerishow interrupts. They "argue" in order to put over Sharpton and he finally comes down to promote his Education Reform Tour. He says he wants to get kids to read and the crowd BOOS. Very nice. HELL NO WE DON'T WANT OUR KIDS EDUCATED!! Sharpton gives MVP and Henry a World Title shot as Jericho screams about discrimination. Jericho is still an awesome heel stuck on a show doesn't deserve him.
World Tag Title
Jerishow vs. MVP and Mark Henry
We come back from a break with MVP slugging away but he takes a Northern Lights suplex for two. Pinfall reversal sequence leads to Henry coming in and using his fat to his advantage. Jericho gets beat up for a little before dodging and cowering at Show's feet and tagging him in. Henry slams Show after alot of jobbing around but MVP comes in and gets clotheslined down. Now that it's sage, Jericho comes in and works his sleeper before MVP fights out and they f*** up something off the ropes but MVP still gets two.
Big Show tags in and works a headlock and that's pretty much all he does before Jericho comes back to continue the heat segment. Lionsault hits nothing but mat and Henry gets the hot tag to start the FAT MAN ON FIRE~! segment as he tosses Jericho over the top and on to Show. Mark Henry is so fat that WE GOTTA TAKE A BREAK!!!
Fat girls are like mopeds....they are alot of fun, but don't let your friends catch you riding one.
We join the match back in progress with Henry getting two on Jericho before Big Show gets a blind tag and takes out the other fat guy with a spear. Big splash gets two. Jericho takes his cheap shots in the corner before Show gets another two and then works the arm. Henry fights out but Show hits a DDT for two. Jericho wants back in but he makes the mistake of applying a sleeper and gets run into the corner. Henry misses a blind charge however, allowing Show to come in but they clothesline each other for the double KO.
Hot tag MVP and he cleans house on Jericho with the usual and hits a flying clothesline to set up the Ballin' Elbow for two. Has that move ever finished ANYONE? MVP tries for the Playmaker but he takes too long allowing Show to break it up. Henry gets rid of him and Jericho takes out Mark in turn. Quick rollup by MVP gets a CLOSE two and he follows with a DDT for another close two. Awesome sequence. The referee tends to Jericho, but that's the opening the champs needed as that allows Show to clonk MVP on the back of the head and Jericho hits the Codebreaker to escape with the titles.
Winners and STILL Champions: Jerishow
-I might be going soft in my old age but I REALLY liked this one. The last minute had a ton of close falls and it made the champs look vulnerable heading into the PPV Sunday. A nice, long match to kick off Raw and this reviewer approves ***1/2.
-Backstage in Sharpton's office, Chris Masters and Chavo Guerrero confront Hornswoggle and Santino (who mistakes Sharpton for Don King and Shaft in the same statement).
-Still backstage, Randy Orton blabs on about whatever he says when that monotone voice starts.
Mickie James vs. Rosa Mendes
For the definition of a useless woman getting paid on the roster see: Mendes, Rosa.
Yep, this is what she's good for
They trade armblocks before Rosa f***s up a spot in the corner and Mickie tries for the DDT but Alicia yelling "HEY!" apparently is enough to distract her. Mickie hits a neckbreaker for two anyways but Rosa uses the hair to gain control and work the back. Mickie fights out of the corner with a flying headscissors and gets a sloppy takedown. Alicia tries to interfere but Mickie twarts the evilness and gets the DDT for the win.
Winner: Mickie James
-It's a women's match...*. Cole yelling "WHAT A MATCH!" afterwards shows why I hate him. Oh so much, I hate.
-Legacy is out to promise victory as the idiot crowd starts with that annoying "what?" bullshit. I thought we were over that stupid, unclever crap. It's not 2002 anymore. Cody's threatening speech loses just a bit when he starts with the Dusty-like lisp in the middle of it. He keeps going until DX joins us from the crowd, somehow acquiring microphones. HHH calls them assholes in a very PG-friendly way but then Cody interrupts him so DX decides to beat them up now. Legacy heads for the hills so DX promises bad things on Sunday.
-That Smackdown promo showing Undertaker hijacking Teddy Long's limo HAS to be a tribute to "WHERE TO, STEPHANIE??!?" At least, I hope the writers are that smart. Although "BUCKLE UP, TED!" just doesn't have the unintentional comedy value of the first one.
Jack Swagger vs. Evan Bourne
Swagger tosses Bourne around and counters a headscissors into a backbreaker before working the leg with a nice submission hold. Swagger stomps him to the outside but Bourne fights his way back in a gets a rollup for two. Low dropkick sets up a clothesline for a one count. Bourne fights out of the Gutwrench and comes off the top with double knees for a two. Flying headscissors hits but Swagger rolls through and scoops him up to hit a BIG powerbomb for the win.
Winner: Jack Swagger
-Bourne is the most talented jobber in years. **3/4 for real good, criminally short stuff. After the match, the Miz comes out to run his mouth, triggering a brawl. Kofi uses this opportunity to reclaim his US title.
Santino Marella and the non-drawing joke f***ing midget vs. Chavo Guerrero and Chris Masters
The heels control Santino with routine stuff as they switch off and get their cheap shots. Santino comes back with lefts and a ridiculous flip flop and fly but Masters blindly comes in with the Masterlock. Santino sells it as only he can before passing out.
Winners: Chris Masters and Chavo Guerrero
-Masters gets pissed at the midget and locks on the Masterlock, instantly becoming my new favorite wrestler. But, of course, the writers have to turn around and ruin it right away for me by having Chavo SAVE the midget. I f***ing give up.
-BEN F'N ROETHLISBERGER is hosting Raw next week! How did I not know this?!?!?
Has won more Super Bowls than you've had pieces of ass.
-Backstage, Jillian Hall and the Brie hang with Sharpton and he dances. You know, he was very tolerable tonight....but it's still funny the crowd booed him.
3 vs. 1 Gauntlet Match
John Cena vs. Chris Jericho
They do some mat wrestling and counter each other before Jericho catches him with a clothesline. Jericho goes to a submission but Cena tries for an AA, which Chris counters for two. He guillotines Cena on the bottom rope but misses a blind charge and Cena comes back with his usual stuff. Jericho fights out of the Attitude Adjustment again and locks on the Walls in the middle of the ring. Cena fights to the ropes but Jericho refuses to break and the ref calls for the bell.
Winner by DQ: John Cena
< John Cena vs. Big Show
Jericho holds onto the Walls the entire time Show walks down the aisle because he's a great heel. Big Show, obviously, pounds the back while we take a break...
The road to Stanley Cup #4 starts on Friday, bitches.
We're back with Show still working the back as only he can....that is, slowly. Bear hug sets up a chokeslam attempt, but that's countered into a bad looking DDT. Cena gets him up for an Attitude Adjuster (apparently that "crippling back injury" is now gone) so Jericho runs in and knocks Cena over, allowing the heels to beat John up some more while Orton makes his entrance.
Winner by DQ: John Cena
John Cena vs. Randy Orton
As they have a staredown, the Hell in the Cell that was above the ring stats lowering. Orton tries desperately to get out but Cena holds him in the and Randy uses great facial expressions as he watches the cage lower the last few inches. Orton makes a dash for the door but Cena cuts him off and they fight out the door. Orton sees his only escape and that's to climb the cell, where Cena follows him up. He hits an Attitude Adjuster on top of the cell and that ends the match?
Winner: I don't know
-More of an angle than a match, so call the whole thing ** for wrestling but it was an entertaining little main event angle.
Final Word
Well, it's basically the same old story...one step forward (tag match) two steps back (women's match, midgetmania runnin' wild) for this show. A nice build in the main event, but the undercard is too weak for me to pay money for Hell in the Cell. Enjoy it, though. I'll be watching my Steelers try to salvage their season against the Chargers.
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