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Mike Shannon's Raw Review (Nov. 2, 2009)
Written by Mike Shannon on 11/02/2009
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WWE RAW (November 2, 2009)
-YOUR guest hosts, Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne, kick us off in the ring while I debate who has done more drugs: Ozzy or Shawn Michaels? That's one of the toughest questions I have ever run across and I don't know if I have a solid answer. The Miz decides to interrupt to whine and complain about his loss to Evan Bourne like a good little heel. However, before he can get an answer, Legacy come to the ring to whine about Kofi destroying their race car. Big Show joins the bitchfest as well about his assault at the hands of the Raw roster.
-Finally, DX has had enough and calls all the heels "rating killers"...wow, talk about a comment hitting close to home. After plugging their respective books, Ozzy makes a match between The Miz and "Evan Brawn" for the US title. Sharon one-ups him with a Randy Orton vs. Kofi Kingston bout. Last but not least, DX outsmarts the fattest guy in the ring and the final match is John Cena vs. Chris Jericho vs. Big Show.
Rocker MILF
United States Title
The Miz vs. Evan Bourne
Miz dominates Bourne in the opening moments, but Bourne comes back with flying headscissors and a spinning heel kick, sending Miz to the outside and following him out with a double knee drop which gets two back inside. Miz stops the momentum with a hard knee lift and drops Evan on the top rope before going to work on the midsection. Bourne counters a suplex into a rollup for two then hits a NICE looking knee to the face following with a stiff kick to the back for two. Miz misses a blind charge in the corner and Bourne amazingly lands on his feet after missing Air Bourne but takes a hiptoss in the corner and Miz hits the Skull Crushing Finale to keep his title.
Winner and STILL Champion: The Miz
-Obviously, they are using Bourne to make Miz look great (which he is doing), but I can still hold out hope for an Evan Bourne push. Good TV match though ***1/4.
-Backstage, your new Irish hero, Sheamus promises to end Jamie Noble's career. Does he even HAVE a career to end? That's like promising to break Iron Mike Sharpe's leg or something.
Sheamus vs. Jamie Noble
Another All American Wrestling entrance for Jamie. Sheamus dominates as expected and runs him hard into the post at ringside. More ass kicking leads to a sideslam backbreaker and then a pump kick to the face that looks to finish but Sheamus picks him up at two. Usually that would spell the end for the heel, but I'm gonna go out on a limb and say he'll be OK here. Sure enough, he beats on Jamie some more until the referee stops the match.
Winner: Sheamus
-The stoppage just pisses off Sheamus so he powerbombs Jamie HARD on the floor while some really f***ing annoying guy in the crowd tries to deepen his voice and yell at the same time. You're a tool.
Match was a total squash * but Jamie can sure take an ass beating and Sheamus was getting some decent heat after this. Stretcher job for Noble afterwards.
-Recap of the beginnings of the Orton-Kofi feud from last week and Kofi promises bad things for Randy.
Randy Orton vs. Kofi Kingston
Slugfest, won by Orton, leads to Orton hammering away in the corner but Kofi comes back with a dropkick and a clothesline to the floor. Legacy runs out to help their boss, but Kofi takes them all out with a dive between the ropes. The heels surround the ring and prepare to kill Kofi, but the Osbournes intervene and make a 6-man tag match, adding MVP and Mark Henry to the match. BUT WE GOTTA TAKE A BREAK!!!
Well this is depressing....I mean, COME ON! How do you flush all that on the left down the toilet? On the plus side, her dignity is gone so the sex tape/Playboy pictorial should be just around the corner.
Kofi Kingston, MVP, & Mark Henry vs. Legacy
We're back with Kofi dominating the heels and then he and MVP do a combo Baller/Ghana elbow/legdrop for two. Mark Henry comes in and takes care of Orton and DiBiase before bringing back in MVP, who eats boot on a blind charge and gets caught in the heel corner. DiBiase and Cody switch off on MVP and Rhodes drops the knee before hitting the chinlock. An MVP comeback is quickly stopped by a dropkick for two and Orton comes in for a near fall of his own.
Randy misses his own kneedrop but nothing comes of it and he goes to the chinlock as well. MVP gets a clothesline out of nowhere for the double KO, but Orton smartly knocks Kofi off the apron and tags he Ted. DiBiase, however, falls victim to MVP's judo throw and Mark Henry is a FAT GUY ON FIRE~! Kofi gets rid of Orton with a dropkick, leaving Henry to hit the World's Fattest Slam for the win.
Winners: Kofi Kingston, MVP, & Mark Henry
-So Mark Henry works 30 seconds of the match and gets the winning pinfall? Life isn't fair. Not a bad tag match, but a few too many dead spots for me. **1/2
-And now, because Raw's creative team wants me to go f***ing apeshit one day, we have "Raw's Got Talent" in the ring. Gee, let me guess who could possibly be singing on here? Nope, not a clue...no one has that gimmick. Your judges are Ozzy, Sharon, and the Great Khali for some ungodly reason.
Santino is out first and bites the head off of a Batman figure. Ha ha? Chris Masters is next on the segment and moves his pecs in tune to "Crazy Train". That whirring sound you are hearing is Vince McMahon Sr. spinning in his grave. Last but not least, Jillian Hall and Chavo try to sing "Close My Eyes Forever".
Of course, the judges hate it and Jillian gets in Sharon's face, who slaps her upside the head. Chavo sticks up for his new woman and badmouths Sharon so he takes a chop from the Great Khali. Then, to complete my own personal Hell, Hornswoggle runs out dressed as Jack Osbourne. f*** this.
-Shit like that is why I have gray hair at my age.
-Next week's host: Ricky Hatton, since Raw is in England and all.
Battle Royal for #1 Contender
Eve vs. Alicia vs. Kelly Kelly vs. Bella Twins vs. Gail Kim
They pair off do the whole "lay on the ropes and I'll pretend to try and throw you out" until Kelly eliminates Gail Kim by accident. Jack Swagger swaggers out to observe while Eve dominates with jobber offense and gets rid of the twins. Alicia unceremoniously dumps Eve without trouble and Kelly uses her only move, the handspring elbow, but gets caught doing it and dumped.
Winner: Alicia Fox
-It's a women's battle royal, how good could it be? 1/4*
The real winner in my mind
-Recap of the Batista-Mysterio feud over on Smackdown, even though RAW HATES SMACKDOWN! BOOOOOO!!! GRRRRR!!!
-Backstage, Chris Jericho meets Ozzy and insults the crowd.
-Still backstage, DX have cornered Hornswoggle and demand he stop imitating DX or Shawn Michaels will use his law degree. Cena saves the no-ratings-drawing-waste-of-life-midget and proclaims they all beat each other all the time. The Bella twins are not impressed. Smooth move, Cena.
John Cena vs. Chris Jericho vs. Big Show
DX is on commentary to save the world from Michael Cole. For some reason, we cut to commercial right away and come back with Cena hitting a suplex on Jericho while DX mocks Cole. Vintage. Show drags Cena to the outside and runs him into the ring barrier. Jerishow argue who should get the cover, but they still find time to beat up Cena some more. A Cena comeback is stopped by a Big Show shoulder tackle and he chops away. HHH becomes my FAVORITE COMMENTATOR EVER by actually referencing Cole at WrestleMania 15 saying that cage matches are dangerous because "you can get your fingers stuck in cage." HHH is a god.
More double teaming continues to bore me as I am more entertained by DX than the match. Cena comes back after Show misses a blind charge and hits a bulldog on Jericho but Show spears him down and Jericho hits the Lionsault for two, broken by Show. Why do they care who wins the match? Nothing is at stake here so why not just get the pin? This booking makes no sense.
The heels argue and Show tosses Jericho, allowing Cena to try the Attitude Adjustment but he can't hold the fat and Show falls on top. Vader Bomb misses however and a Cena shoulder tackle sends Show to the outside. Jericho makes his return and takes Cena's usual comeback offense and lifts up Y2J for the AA but Show knocks him out and Jericho falls on top for the win.
Winner: Chris Jericho
-Like I said, booking made no sense because the heels shouldn't have been fighting over the pin at all. Jerishow attack Cena afterwards and DX try to help but get laid out as well. Call the whole thing ***.
Final Word
Not a terrible show, but not that great either. Kofi's push didn't really advance and 50/50 booking reared its ugly head for Evan Bourne. Call it an average show all-around and we'll wait till next week. |
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