Raw Review – November 1, 2010

Raw Review – November 1, 2010

-So a belated happy Halloween to everyone…the day of the year when skanks can dress like they REALLY want without persecution.  God bless America.

Sexy Chewbacca…why? Because sexy Chewbacca.

-LIVE! from Long Island, NY (home of a large contingent of educated, face-hating smarks)

-Randy Orton hits the ring and, in about 600 words, calls out John Cena.  They argue about the merits of  border control in terms of NAFTA but Nexus breaks up the intellectual conversation.  Is it just me or does Michael McGillicutty look like Ben Roethlisberger?  I mean Ben Roethlisberger BEFORE he bounced his head off the concrete like a basketball and had to have his face rebuilt.  Surprisingly, Cena promises a beaten ass to Wade Barrett after this angle is over and Orton confirms the same.  The Bill Gates of GMs chimes in and books Barrett & his partner choice vs. Orton & his partner choice with Cena as the referee.  Boring promo.

Hart Dynasty vs. Justin Gabriel & Heath Slater
Slater starts with Kidd, who rudely tags in Smith and he works the arm. Delayed vertical suplex gets two but Gabriel tags himself in and Smith gets to play Ricky Morton in the corner….Kidd is not impressed.  Chinlock allows Smith to fight out and hit a powerslam to zero reaction and he gets the “hot” tag to Kidd to yet another nothing reaction.  Neckbreaker gets two, broken by Slater, and Smith brawls with Heath on the outside.  In a very contrived spot, Kidd accidentally takes Smith out with a somersault plancha and Gabriel takes advantage with a superkick and the 450 for the win.
Winners: Justin Gabriel & Heath Slater

-I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again…doesn’t the crowd have to actually give a flying fuck about a team before you break them up and turn them heel?  No?  Oh, ok *.

-Backstage, R-Truth tries to get Cena to do the right thing.  What is he, his mascot or something?

-Sheamus joins us to let everyone know that Santino didn’t beat him, he beat himself…that’s a little too much information there, fellah.  Santino answers the call and we get more lame “Sheamus is really pale” jokes just in case we haven’t noticed yet.  He says he can’t wrestle tonight because he ate too much candy so he’s found a replacement…

Sheamus vs. Vladimir Kozlov
Hey, remember when they pushed Kozlov to the main event? WWE certainly doesn’t want you to.  Punchy-kicky crap leads to Vlad taking Sheamus down but the Irishman pounds away in the corner and hits a backbreaker for two.  Kozlov comes back with the trapping headbutts and a big boot for two but Sheamus says “enough of this goofy jobber” and hits the pump kick for the win.
Winner: Sheamus

-You know, I wouldn’t put it past WWE to make us pay for this match.  Speaking of pay, Santino tries to bribe Sheamus not to beat his ass but it doesn’t work and Sheamus looks for the Razor’s Edge on the stage but Morrison makes the save.  I really don’t understand the point of shoehorning Marella into this, if you want to do Morrison vs. Sheamus then do Morrison vs. Sheamus 1/4*.

-Meanwhile, R-Truth stirs up more shit backstage by talking to Orton.

-After a break, Mark Henry bonds with Pee Wee Herman via cell phone in a weird segment.  Henry is bummed that Evan Bourne was injured so Pee Wee hosts some Diva Twister to cheer him up.  We get a random LITA sighting for no real reason…ok?

My wife actually pulled this look off pretty well

Zack Ryder vs. Ezekiel Jackson
Squash city, population: Zack Ryder. A press slam leads to a standing Rock Bottom and that’s it.
Winner: Ezekiel Jackson

-Hey, guess what?  We get another push for a slug who can’t move in the ring but he “earned” his spot because he’s built like a brick shithouse.  No wonder this company is killing the wrestling PPV market DUD.  I can think of lots of things I would rather do than watch a Big Zeke push…

homer beer

-Pee Wee Herman hits the ring to plug his Broadway show and look uncomfortably old.  Tonight’s secret word is “ring”…I can’t believe this shit is playing.  Miz says the secret word a bunch of times and “hilarity” ensues.  While it might be slightly chuckle-funny, Cole’s fake laughter ruins whatever goodwill this segment has.  Pee Wee Herman’s cousin is apparently here and that draws out Big Show in a XXXXL Pee Wee outfit.  That whirling sound you’re hearing is Lou Thesz spinning in his grave at warp speed.  Steve Jobs the GM emails in and books Miz against Show while “Tequila” blares.

-So wait…WWE’s new target audience is under 15, right?  So why are they referencing movies from 25 years ago that even I barely remember?  I hate to throw the letters “WCW” around because its become the IWC’s go-to reference but this definitely reminds me of Atlanta’s favorite promotion.

Big Pee Wee vs. The Miz
Big Show controls right away and hits his chest smack in the corner while the announcers plug Knucklehead…I have no words.  Miz takes a powder to recover but it does no good and Show tosses him around and chops some more.  Miz goes low with a dropkick to try to get something going but takes a bodyslam and an elbowdrop for two.  Miz recovers and slugs away, finally bring Show down and going to a chinlock to really AMP UP THE PACE!  Show flattens Miz to break the hold and goes for the Vader Bomb but he takes too long and hits only canvas.  Stomp, stomp, stomp, all day long, stomp, stomp, stomp….whatever.  Show can’t be knocked down until Miz hits three double ax handles but it still only gets two.  Big Show makes the babyface comeback with a back body drop but he misses a blind charge to the corner.  Riley gets involved and Miz grabs the briefcase to lay in some shots and earn the DQ.
Winner by DQ: Big Pee Wee

-I’m sorry if any of my match play-by-play made the bout actually sound entertaining or watchable because it certainly was neither.  Plus, it had a BS finish so that earns my “secret word”:  DUD

-Yet another “Stand Up for WWE” video to inspire the rubes.  McMahon better watch it with this shit, as  the Connecticut Justice Dept. is threatening legal action if he follows through on his promise to hand out WWE merchandise at the polls tomorrow.  Well, only 24 hours until Linda loses this stupid election and maybe then Vince will get pissed and launch into balls-out crazy, attack mode…which is always fun.


-Backstage, Cena gets mocked Barrett and has to deal with David Otunga.

Ted DiBiase vs. Daniel Bryan
I’m digging Ted Jr’s new theme.  Byran kicks away in the corner but is quickly floored and DiBiase stomps a mudhole in the corner.  The Long Island crowd definitely approves of Daniel Bryan…much more than other crowds.  I told you they were educated.  DiBiase dumps Daniel to the floor but nothing comes of it and Ted hammers away back inside for two.  We hit the chinlock but Bryan fights out and gets a crucifix for two before busting out La Magistral for another near fall.  Hard clothesline pits Ted down and stiff kicks hit but Ted catches him with a spinebuster for two.  DiBiase looks to finish but Bryan is too quick and the LaBell Lock draws the submission.
Winner: Daniel Bryan

-Crowd was digging Bryan for this one, thankfully, and Daniel’s push continues unabated.  DiBiase blames the loss on being worried about Goldust having his Million Dollar Belt **1/4.

-LayCool hits the ring and promises to give Natalya one more shot at the Divas belt if she can beat Michelle tonight.

Michelle McCool vs. Natalya
I’m ignoring LayCool’s prematch rant because they have crossed that very fine line between heel annoying and just plain annoying.  Some decent matwork leads to a nice german suplex spot (for a girl) but Nattie gets caught heading to the second rope and Michelle gets two.  Now that the two spots they came up with are done, Michelle has no idea what to do and resorts to stomping and kicking to get two.  McCool goes to the leg scissors while the crowd takes to entertaining themselves and Michelle hits a northern lights suplex for two.  They head outside and Michelle accidentally takes out Layla, allowing Nattie to roll her up for the win.
Winner: Natalya

-Like I said, I get what they are trying to do with the LayCool gimmick and maybe the girls in the audience (all 12 of them) like it, but I could care less.  Match was pretty good due to them actually hitting their spots **.

-Freddie Prinze Jr., playing a doctor, checks on Vince McMahon who has apparently been in a coma this whole time since being taken out by Nexus.  Umm..don’t you think they would have told us this at some point in the last 4 months?  Freddie is worried Vince is going to miss the election tomorrow.  Oh, I wouldn’t worry about that one.

Don’t forget to vote tomorrow

-WrestleMania commercials already…geez.

-So we’re back to Vinnie Mac in a coma and Freddie accidentally wakes him up when he mentions Linda has spent $50 million on her campaign…that was pretty funny, I’ll give them that.  Prinze also has the misfortune of letting McMahon know that Taker is dead (again) and John Cena is a member of Nexus.  After recovering from all the bad news, Vince again teases a presidential run before shitting his pants.

-Meanwhile, that entire skit has apparently been a Stephanie McMahon dream and we get a HHH voice cameo…what a weird 5 minutes of television.

Wade Barrett & David Otunga vs. Randy Orton & R-Truth
R-Truth…main eventer? John Cena is, of course, YOUR special guest referee.  Otunga starts with Orton and hammers away in the corner but Orton recovers for a brief second.  Otunga avoids a blind charge and tags in Barrett, who gets hammered down in the corner.  When Cena tries to break them up, Barrett gets a surprise roll-up for two, causing Orton to get in Cena’s face.  Randy recovers though and hits a powerslam on Otunga so they head to the outside where Otunga reverses a whip into the ring steps.  I love when security guards yell at people in the front row for standing up and screaming…Lord knows we don’t want people having FUN at a pro wrestling event.

Back in, Barrett comes in and goes to the chinlock to continue the heat segment but the crowd isn’t buying it at all, especially with R-Truth standing on the apron.  Back suplex breaks the hold and it’s hot tag Truth who cleans house while asking about the sky.  Truth shows off he can do a split and hits a spinning heel kick on Otunga for two but Barrett tags himself in and hits a swinging slam off the ropes for two.  Backbreaker sets up an elbow from a second rope but Truth rolls out of the way and gets the second hot tag of the night to Mr. Orton…but Cena is distracted by Otunga and didn’t see the tag.  The heels trade off on Truth in their corner and get a few near falls off basically nothing until Otunga goes to the chinlock.  Truth breaks and they cross body each other in an awkward looking spot but this time Orton distracts the referee and Cena does not see the heel tag.  This allows Randy to deliver an RKO to Otunga and Truth gets the pin.
Winners: Randy Orton & R-Truth

-Pretty formulaic tag match with very minimal heat thanks to the involvement of two midcarders in the main event.  It was good enough for what it was but this was not a main event match **1/2.

Final Word
Well, this was a weird episode. The wrestling pretty much sucked at the beginning of the night and absolutely nothing happened angle-wise until the “main event”.  If Survivor Series is indeed still one of the Big Four, they certainly aren’t building an undercard to compliment Orton/Barrett.  Add to that their most marketable wrestler (Cena) isn’t even WRESTLING yet and the tag champions only challengers are a team that’s been breaking up for a month.  Not a good start to the promotion of the event, that’s for sure and to be honest, I was bored out of my mind.