hornswoggle

Posted On 08/02/2012 By In Columns

The Cahoon Run Down: Hornswoggle And The Various Ways WWE Insults Our Intelligence

Hey everybody, Geddy Cahoon here with another edition of The Cahoon Run Down. Upon waking up today, I totally forgot that it was Thursday and thus, hadn’t realized that I had an article to write. Thus, I had absolutely no plan regarding what to write and etc. I really didn’t want to do another “Random Thoughts” (Even though there were some things I forgot to mention in the last one) but nothing immediately sprang to mind to write a full article about either. Then, a Facebook commenter came to the rescue. He (Who will not be named) jokingly suggested I write about Hornswoggle. I chuckled but then I realized… That’s kind of a good idea. Not just writing about Hornswoggle, but writing about some of the intelligence-insulting crap that WWE often shoves in our faces. So let’s dive right into this, and I’ll try not to get too ranty!

The first thing that sprang to mind when I decided to make this article a little broader than just “Hornswoggle” was the Zack Ryder/Eve Torres/John Cena/Kane… Feud-thingy from earlier in this year. Now there was a lot of stupidity on display throughout, including Kane coming up through the bottom of the ring and trying to drag Zack Ryder “To Hell,” as well as the whole “Someone reveals something in confidence to someone else while inexplicably acting like the cameras are not right there and that the person they are talking about/plotting against will not be watching” with Eve and the Bellas, but the dumbest thing of all was after Zack Ryder was chokeslammed into the pit in between the stage and the crowd barriers. We returned from the commercial break, and Jerry Lawler somberly informed us that Zack Ryder had BROKEN HIS BACK.

First of all, I get that they do the fake injury angles to get a guy off TV or whatever. But you know, typically, they go for something a LITTLE bit more realistic than a broken spine. That’s one of the most serious injuries a performer could possibly endure. Ryder wouldn’t just bounce back from that like they fudge with most of the fake injury angles. I don’t think there was a single person who heard that and wasn’t completely baffled at the stupidity of it. This is a bit of a unique case though, in that about a week later WWE changed their story and said there was something else wrong with Zack. Think about that though: The broken back thing was too stupid for WWE, and considering some of the shit they’ve pulled, that’s really saying something.

Obviously, one of the biggest things WWE often uses to insult the people who support the product is Hornswoggle. Yeah the midget who originally couldn’t speak English and supposedly lives under the ring. He was also the final Cruiserweight champ before the title was retired! Doesn’t a mere description of him just feel like a kick in the teeth? Of course, a less pessimistic person could say that WWE merely keeps Horny around because kids like him. PG and all. I don’t really buy that though. I don’t think kids love him. He’s not really a wrestler, and the “humor” that WWE has him employ is stupid even for little kids. WWE has done a lot of stupid stuff with Hornswoggle, there’s no debating that. From revealing him as Vince’s bastard son, to his feud with Chavo Guerrero, I don’t think the guy has ever been involved in an entertaining angle.

But the most recent thing has to be the revelation of Hornswoggle as the RAW GM. It was a reveal that pissed me off so much I initially wouldn’t actually talk about it. I mean, there was no reason to expect WWE NOT to kick us in the balls when resolving a nearly three year long angle, but I hoped that the joke reveal would at least involve someone… Viable. Kevin Dunne, my WrestlingBreakDown cohort jokingly said “I bet they reveal the GM to be Hornswoggle.” I was foolishly optimistic and assumed WWE didn’t hate us that much. Well they do. And writing about this event is hurting me, but on top of everything else – EVERYTHING ELSE – why the fuck was Hornswoggle playing a heel for no reason? They’re basically telling us Hornswoggle is the guy who screwed over Jerry Lawler. Hornswoggle is the guy who handed control of RAW over to Wade Barrett in 2010. Why? Because fuck you that’s why.

Another thing defies logic while assuming the audience is made up of mindless sheep is the mentality of the commentators in regards to Faces and Heels. It basically goes like this: Jerry Lawler thinks everything the heels do is bad, and everything the faces do is good. Now I mean, inherently, there isn’t really anything wrong with that. Heels are evil after all. But the issue is… With WWE’s writing, a lot of the faces act more like “bad guys” than bad guys. I mean, John Cena constantly mocks Vickie Guerrero’s weight (More on that later) and Jerry Lawler joins him. Michael Cole rightly points out that hey, you guys are being pricks right now, but he’s told to shut it. Then Dolph Ziggler attacks John Cena because he doesn’t take kindly to women being needlessly insulted, but Lawler acts like Ziggler is the big bad guy here. If there were two guys heckling a woman outside of a bar, and her boyfriend stood up for her, who’s the good guy?

But heels are heels, so even if the good guys act like bad guys, the bad guys are still wrong. WWE just assumes we’ll root for the guys that they’ve determined “good,” and that’ll be that. For the most part, the audience does do that, but that’s beside the point dammit! But the idiotic announcer mentality goes a lot deeper than that. Take for instance, Daniel Bryan being escorted by the orderlies on RAW 1001. Now by all means, R-Truth SHOULD have been the one taken away. He is literally insane. That’s the character. But because he’s buddies with Kofi Kingston, everyone boos the fact that Bryan just wants to get this man some help, while Jerry Lawler chastises him from commentary. It’s nonsense. Also, Jerry Lawler supporting Sheamus is idiotic too. I mean, they acknowledge the fact that Sheamus has beaten the shit out of Lawler numerous times, but they never dwell on it, and Lawler doesn’t let it affect his opinion of Sheamus or his frankly heel-ish ways. No one holds grudges in WWE, unless it involves something as simplistic as who’s identified as a bad guy, and who’s identified as a good guy.

Tied somewhat into the previous complaint, is the current heat on A.W. and Tensai. Both men have been under fire this past week for somewhat off-color remarks. A.W. for making a joke about the Kobe Bryant sexual assault allegations from some years ago, and Tensai for making a racial remark in a Tout. In defense of the heat on A.W., his joke probably did have most viewers doing a double take. And as for Tensai, I don’t think racism really has a place anywhere – unless it’s something in jest or ironic – in character as a bad guy or not, although as far as racist remarks go, Tensai’s could’ve been much more brutal and he made light of a stereotype that is almost part our collective pop-culture consciousness. Not that that makes it okay, but it could’ve been worse. Also, why does Tensai even have a Tout? His character doesn’t talk. Anyway, they’re heels. They’re supposed to make the audience angry and incite controversy. Maybe they took it a tad too far, but at least they’re not as offensive and mean spirited as another WWE superstar…

John Cena. Yeah, you probably figured this was coming. I love the guy, don’t get me wrong. But John Cena has made some pretty offensive comments and whatnot over the course of his storied career. He makes gay slurs, he rips on the widow of one of the most celebrated wrestlers ever for being slightly overweight… A lot of the stuff Cena says in promos is much more risque than the bland superhero we know. And again, there’s nothing wrong with pushing the envelope a little bit! If done correctly, it can add entertainment value to the show, and get people talking. The issue is though… Apparently ONLY John Cena is allowed to say offensive things. There’s heat on A.W., and WWE made a personal statement ensuring that Matt Bloom will be punished for his comments. WWE cherry picks in regards to who is and isn’t allowed to say “offensive” stuff. Cena can call Rock gay all he wants, but Tensai makes a heel-ish comment, in character, and he’s boned? It’s shitty. It damages WWE’s support of the BE A STAR campaign as well. “We don’t tolerate bullying or offensive comments… Unless they’e coming from John Cena or The Rock.” By coming down on Tensai and A.W., but not Cena for the offensive things he’s done, WWE is telling all of the kids in the audience “You can say whatever you want, as long as you’re popular.”

That’s it for this week! Post your thoughts, comments and opinions below and talk wrestling, articles or just crap in general. Email me (hahahahawhy@Yahoo.com) and friend me on Facebook (Nodq Geddy Cahoon). Be sure to check out my Youtube show WrestlingBreakDown, as well as my cohort Kevin Dunne’s articles. Also check out my new Daily Feature on QuickWrestlingNews.com and WrestlingRegime.com, “Action Figure Round-Up!” Every day I take a look at the best deals on new wrestling figures. Until next time, thanks for reading!

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