Hello all, Geddy Cahoon here once again with another edition of The Cahoon Run Down. For the second week in a row, I actually had a pretty good idea of what to write about for my article. Last week it was CM Punk, this week it’s two WWE TV personalities who have been a thorn in my proverbial side for a very long time: AJ Lee and Jerry Lawler. There’s not much else to say here, other than that I may get unapologetically enraged over the course of this article, so let’s just jump right into this!
Over the course of the last few months, WWE Diva AJ Lee has become one of wrestling’s fastest rising stars. She’s widely considered to be entertaining, attractive, and skilled as far as in-ring talent is concerned. Coming off the heels of an NXT loss, she was placed on SmackDown and did a whole lot of nothing until she was rather arbitrarily worked into the World title picture as Daniel Bryan’s girlfriend. She still mostly stayed out of the limelight during this time, not becoming a major player until the CM Punk/Daniel Bryan feud for the WWE championship. She overshadowed the belt entirely, and was unfortunately the impetus for CM Punk finally becoming just another retarded face. Eventually the crowd warmed up to her and she was placed in a prominent RAW role, enraging me almost to the point of quitting RAW forever ever since.
Jerry Lawler is probably one of the most beloved names in wrestling. A natural heel who naturally turned into a crowd favorite as his career progressed and his respect amongst fans grew, Lawler has been a commentator on WWE programming for as long as I can remember. For one reason or another, Lawler really got over a year or two ago, feuding with The Miz and receiving multiple WWE championship shots. Whether you love him or hate him, Jerry Lawler is one of the staples of WWE programming, and he’s not going anywhere.
Now, you will always hear me complain about heel/face logic in the WWE. Usually, “good guys” doing dastardly things is a mild annoyance that I accept as simply an unavoidable aspect of the wrestling experience. There are a lot of elements however, that make it much more aggravating. Two of the biggest elements that add to this ass-numbingly idiotic problem are managerial characters, and commentators. And what a shocker, the GM and RAW’s face commentator basically had me wanting to chuck my TV out a window this past Monday night.
Okay, let’s start with AJ. I’ve complained about AJ so many times before, it’s getting pretty repetitive at this point. But as long as WWE keeps shoving her down my throat, I’ll keep fucking complaining. My issues with her are a tad bit hard to articulate through text, and they also go beyond that heel/face logic thing, but here we go: Every time I hear that woman talk, I get embarrassed. She is quite possibly the worst actress I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Hyperbolic statements aside, it is shameful how terrible her acting skills are. Imagine… If I…. Paced all of my articles…. Like this… Pausing…. For a ridiculous…. Amount of time…. In between each statement…. To somehow make myself….. Seem intimidating…. Or entertaining…
That, right there, is how AJ delivers pretty much every single line. She has no concept of stressing the correct part of a line or delivering it with the right inflection or emotion. AJ may be the Tommy Wiseau of the current WWE. And when she skips? I want to reach through the TV and bash her head against a wall until she stops moving. Every thing about her comes off so awkward and terrible and the exact opposite of the intended effect. Yeah she’s pretty and yeah she’s average in the ring, but Christ. It’s shameful that she is where she is in the company.
On top of that, she does that ridiculous thing where if you say “Crazy” around her, she makes rash decisions. It’s supposed to make her seem cool and hardass, but it just makes her seem like the biggest bitch in the universe. I have no idea how she’s supposed to be a face. The worst part? Michael Cole likes her. Yes yes, everyone hates Michael Cole for some reason (Small aside: I really don’t get everyone’s issues with Cole – He’s a heel. You’re supposed to hate him). I love him. Always have. He’s a phenomenal heel. Usually, he’s the voice of reason. When a face does something awful or evil, Cole is the first to point out how ridiculous it is. Not with AJ. He fucking loves her.
The thing on RAW that AJ did that really caused me to devote half an article to complaining about her was when Chris Jericho and Dolph Ziggler were arguing (Dolph Ziggler’s line delivery pissed me off here too), and she ran into the room, FUCKING SKIPPED AROUND THEM, and then stopped and delivered one of her horribly paced, awkwardly worded promos. It was no worse or different than most of the offensive shit she’s done, but something about it last night just rubbed me wrong. I honestly don’t know how much longer I’m going to be able to tolerate her before I just stop watching RAW altogether a la WrestlingRegime’s Thomas Fyrehart.
My biggest issue with RAW last night was undoubtedly Jerry Lawler. Yes yes, I just got through saying how much everyone loves and respects the guy. That’s great. I respect the fact that the business is his life. I just fucking abhor his current face character. Jerry Lawler is inarguably the biggest offender I’ve ever seen in the whole “Faces can do whatever they want just because their faces and heels are always wrong” category. Of course, Lawler does ridiculous shit like this week in week out. But this past Monday it seemed like he was really going out of his way to be an unbelievably insufferable retard.
First off, during the Cody Rhodes and PTP vs. Kofi, Truth and Cara match, he kept calling Cody Rhodes ugly. I have no issue with that inherently; Cody Rhodes is a big boy and it’s not the same as calling the widow of one of the most beloved superstars ever fat. But it was all Jerry Lawler fucking mentioned during that match. I’m not sure he actually mentioned the actual in-ring action once. He was so concerned with his shitty Cody Rhodes jokes. Jerry Lawler is no pretty boy himself. He looks like a sweaty hog. I don’t know where he gets off calling anyone fat or ugly.
Okay, so that’s an admittedly petty thing that I would normally overlook. But there were two things that Lawler did on RAW that really set me off and basically had me to a point where I was praying for somebody to kick his head in. The first thing: Damien Sandow beat Brodus Clay. He didn’t cheat. He merely ducked out of Clay’s way so that the Funkasaurus hit the turnbuckle, allowing Sandow to get the quick rollup. According to Jerry Lawler, that wasn’t a clean victory. Uh… Excuse me? Is Lawler fucking retarded? Well I mean, he obviously is but I didn’t think he was THAT retarded. And then after the match, Brodus attacked Sandow, and Lawler basically said he deserved it for winning.
A few weeks ago when Tensai lost to Tyson Kidd, I’m sure Lawler was super duper excited for his generic little face buddy winning in the exact same manner that Sandow beat Clay in. But of course, Sandow is a heel so you know. Fuck him. As anyone who reads my articles on a consistent basis knows, I’m a quite ardent supporter of Damien Sandow. I’d go so far as to say I’m quite possibly his biggest fan. The fact that he has won all of his matches clean, even this one, but that’s somehow “wrong” because he’s a heel is so absurd. That was Lawler’s second strike of the night.
Lawler’s third strike came in the form of his opinion on the Del Rio/Sheamus WHC debacle. One quick aside – Sheamus is probably the biggest bastard in the WWE. He cheats more now than he did as a heel, and he’s just as, if not MORE smug. Originally he was a pretty great face, but now he’s just an asshole. He’s possibly one of the worst World Heavyweight Champions ever. Anyway, we all know that Sheamus hit Del Rio with a weapon, and then didn’t break his pin when Del Rio’s foot was on the ropes and the ref didn’t see it. So he cheated. Twice. Once again: Bastard. So of course, Jerry Lawler thinks that Sheamus, the guy who has kicked Lawler’s ass numerous times, is awesome for cheating in a world title match and being smug about it. Lawler’s rationale was that Ricardo easily could’ve tipped the ref off about Del Rio’s foot.
Now as idiotic as that was, it got worse. During the Del Rio/Orton match, Orton’s foot was on the ropes and the ref didn’t see it. Sheamus grabbed the ref and alerted him because once again, he’s a bastard. Jerry Lawler started laughing and carrying on when Sheamus did this, as if Del Rio deserved to get screwed over. Yeah he got cheated out of the World championship. He totally deserved that RKO. The way Lawler carried on when Sheamus alerted the ref really fucking rubbed me wrong. Strike three. I was fuming every time I saw Lawler appear on screen or heard him talk at this point.
Somehow though, Jerry Lawler got four strikes on this week’s RAW. His fourth strike came right before I fell in love with CM Punk all over again. He wouldn’t say CM Punk was the best in the world. I don’t get it. When Punk was a face, Lawler probably agreed with that assertation. Now he’s a tweener, so Lawler won’t give him the time of day? He’ll only respect CM Punk when CM Punk doesn’t actually ask for respect? Man fuck Jerry Lawler.
I am not exaggerating in the least when I say I screamed in excitement when CM Punk kicked Jerry Lawler in the head. I wanted somebody to hit him so goddamn much, and CM Punk did it. That was perhaps one of the most gratifying things I’ve seen on a wrestling show in forever. Yes so my love for CM Punk has returned. Not because he’s a heel or because he’s champ. Because he’s the one who finally shut up that loudmouthed, face-loving fucktard Jerry Lawler.
That’s it for this week! If you wanna tell me what you thought or just talk wrestling in general, post your comments below! You can email me (firstname.lastname@example.org) and friend me on Facebook (Nodq Geddy Cahoon). Also, be sure to check out my nerdy website Nerd World Country. I’m back to doing weekly action figure reviews each Tuesday. Until next time, thanks for reading!