The Cahoon Run Down: Money in The Bank 2012 – Who’s Got a Fighting Chance at Winning? Part 1
Hey everybody, Geddy Cahoon here with a brand new edition of The Cahoon Run Down for all of my peeps! Since I took last week off, I figured I should do something bigger for this week’s article. Problem was, with the current product being so “meh,” I couldn’t really think of anything decent to write about. Then it hit me – I would write about the Money in The Bank. Reports have surfaced recently that WWE was planning on giving the briefcases (Or perhaps singular briefcase since the brands don’t matter?) to a guy or guys who have never held one before. Now that, admittedly only when looking at it extremely unrealistically, puts EVERY person employed by WWE that hasn’t held a case or isn’t presently a champion in the running. Jobbers, midcarders, anyone. So that’s what I’m going to do: I’m going to take a look at every SUPERSTAR (This is anyone WWE.com deems a “superstar.” Announcers, guys not in the company, anyone.) on the roster, alphabetically, who isn’t a World Champion and who hasn’t won a briefcase, and discuss their chances of winning or not winning. This is likely going to be the longest column I’ve written in a while (Or ever) so sit back and enjoy a little bit of theorizing regarding who the future top guys in WWE will be! (I realized about 8 guys in to this, that due to the sheer volume of Superstars, this would have to be a two parter! The rest will be covered next week.)
A.W.- Abraham Washington has been shown from time to time on WWE over the past few months, building a stable that features Primo, Epico and Mason Ryan. The storyline was reportedly going to involve social media, and assumedly A.W. was going to round up a ragtag group of jobbers and low level midcarders who were fed up with their crappy positions and wage war on the WWE. However, it’s obviously been put on hold as Rosa Mendes, a member of the stable, was injured in a car wreck a month or two ago. The storyline will probably return once she does, but even so – A.W. is going to be more of a managerial, monarch-esque figure. He’ll only wrestle sparingly I assume, and don’t bank on him ever winning the MiTB briefcase in the coming years – WWE has yet to find a consistent role for him, and even if they do… Come on. Abraham Washington, future World Champ? I don’t think so. Chance of Winning: None
Alex Riley – Last Summer, it seemed as though A-Ry was on the rise. He main evented RAW several times, and went over the then unstoppable Miz on multiple occasions. Now… His last TV appearance saw him getting trashed by the Big Show. Fan response to the guy is pretty warm at times, but WWE sort of gave up on him. His time may come eventually, but he has neither the credibility nor the presence currently to capture the ‘case. Chance of Winning: None
Antonio Cesaro – Everyone on the internet seems to love Claudio Castagnoli. I have no issues with the guy; he’s maybe a bit overrated, but he has a decent look and is fairly athletic. He debuted on SmackDown a few months back as a heel, getting involved in the Aksana/Teddy Long angle. At this point, however, his character appears to be gone from TV for the time being. There’s a ton of new guys on TV right now, and Cesaro seems to have been relegated back to the FCW/NXT hybrid for now. Though he has a decent cult following, not many mainstream fans know who he is. I could possibly see a victory for him though, only because they could then spend the next year building him up and familiarizing the audience with him in anticipation of his title reign. I wouldn’t bank on Castagnoli’s big WWE moment happening in 2012 though. Chance of Winning: Highly Unlikely
Big Show – Big Show is back on top after a few months feuding with Cody Rhodes. He’s the company’s top heel at this present time, and is actually supposedly penciled in to face CM Punk at this year’s SummerSlam. Honestly, I could see WWE saddling Show with the briefcase. He’s never held it before, and they seem to be keen on giving him some accolades in the twilight of his career (Anyone remember his 3 week IC Title reign…?). Plus, it would continue to build him as a dominant monster, and put him on the fast track to some additional main event feuds if WWE wants to go down that road. It wouldn’t make much sense to give a 44 year old guy with one foot seemingly out the door at all times a gimmick that’s supposed to elevate a young or unknown guy, but it didn’t stop them with Kane. Chance of Winning: Somewhat Likely
Booker T – Booker is listed as Superstar on the WWE.com roster list, so he gets a mention here. Of course, he won’t even be in either of the MiTB ladder matches. WWE may make some suspect choices in terms of who goes over who, but I doubt they’d give an announcer one of their most important accessories. Chance of Winning: None
Brodus Clay – I’m not sure what WWE wants to do with Brodus. He’s obviously being groomed to become a main event level talent at some point in the near future, but WWE seems reluctant to go all the way with it. I don’t think he’s had a real MATCH since he returned. I was actually excited to see him main event RAW a few weeks back, but WWE obviously wasn’t. Brodus will get a main event push eventually, the audience loves him and he’s got a decent look and decent backing. But it probably won’t be in this way, and it definitely won’t be this year. Chance of Winning: Unlikely
Camacho – This guys is Hunico’s bodyguard. Apparently he wrestles. Who knew? Here’s a secret: I’m a huge Hunico fan. This guy? Not so much. Give me a break. Chance of Winning: None
Chris Jericho – Though he is currently suspended, Chris Jericho always competes in main event level storylines when he is around. I don’t think he needs half the crap they give him, the titles and whatnot, but everyone else seems content to see him as World Champ while some of the younger guys don’t even get to be on TV. That’s fine if that’s what the general viewing audience wants. Jericho is one of the guys here who absolutely doesn’t need this. He’s been champ a ton of times, and the fact that he’s fought for a belt at the last four PPVs shows that he can easily get a championship match. However, WWE is big on giving him crap and the fans always eat it up, so I could see him winning. That is, if he doesn’t leave to go on tour with his awful band Fozzy before MiTB, which is also likely. Chance of Winning: Somewhat Likely
Christian – Captain Charisma made his triumphant return a few weeks back and was somewhat idiotically (In my opinion) given the IC title. I think he works better as a heel and is above the midcard level, but WWE obviously disagrees. That said, they do recognize the fact that he’s the kind of guy that can be thrown into the World title picture if they need him, even though he won’t necessarily be pushed for the belt or anything like that. Those two reasons are why I can’t see him with a briefcase. WWE doesn’t view him as a marketable champ, and even if they did, he’s a veteran who’s above it and doesn’t need one. Chance of Winning: Highly Unlikely
Cody Rhodes – I keep saying it: 2012 is going to be Cody’s year. Of course, that was before they fed him to Big Show and Christian, respectively, but this is just to transition him to bigger things, I’m hoping. Supposedly a feud between he and Punk is on the slate, and the briefcase could conceivably factor into that. I called him as one of the possible winners of last year’s MiTB. He’s even more experienced and credible now, so I see no reason to change that stance. Couple WWE wanting to push him with the fact that he’s never won the ‘case before, and you’ve got one of your most likely contenders for victory this year. Chance of Winning: Likely
Curt Hawkins – I’ll admit that I’m a Curt Hawkins fan. I dig his look and he’s pretty decent in the ring. That said, most fans probably don’t even know who he is as for the last year or so, his “brand” was literally NXT. You know, that thing that wasn’t even a brand originally? He’s on TV so infrequently that he won’t even be in either of the MiTB matches, let alone tentatively winning them. Chance of Winning: None
Damien Sandow – I’m possibly the biggest Damien Sandow mark on the planet. I can’t get enough of this guy, and he’s definitely the company’s most entertaining act presently. That doesn’t mean he’s ready for the briefcase just yet. Unless they were to, like my theory for Cesaro, give him the case and spend the next year building him, but I don’t think they should. I can definitely see this guy as a main eventer in the future. But throw him some midcard belts, a couple big wins in grudge feuds before doing anything rash with him. Pace his success, because I desperately want Sandow to work. Chance of Winning: Highly Unlikely
Darren Young – Darren Young and Titus O’Neil’s tag team is actually surprisingly entertaining. They’re funny, and at least they have a real name and a coordinated look. That doesn’t mean I see either of them as main event players, ever though. Darren will win the tag belts a few times, maybe hold a midcard title or two, but this, the briefcase and subsequent main event push, will likely not be him, in 2012 or ever. I just can’t see it. Chance of Winning: None
David Otunga – I enjoy David Otunga the way one enjoys a bad movie – It’s such a perfect storm of awful that you can’t help but fall in love with it. David Otunga is funny, and he knows how to hold a microphone. Those are the extent of his wrestling abilities. If you see anything wrong with that, congratulations. You aren’t retarded. David Otunga can’t wrestle. I wouldn’t mind him as US or IC champ in the future, but he’ll always be a sort of jokey, crony character. The only time he’s ever seeing the main event of a show is when he’s being fed to Cena or Sheamus. Chance of Winning: None
Dolph Ziggler – Here’s a guy who gets pushed every year at Royal Rumble time, then disappears. It’s like he’s been given 4,000 test runs. With the completely random dissolution of he and Swagger’s tag team, Ziggler’s star may be on the rise permanently this time. I wouldn’t mind it. I give Ziggler and his fans a lot of (Completely warranted) crap about him being overrated, but it would be a refreshing change of pace to see him gunning for one of the belts again. He’s been appearing on TV more frequently as well, even if it just to lose to Sheamus. He’s a guy that WWE seems reluctant to go all the way with, which is why the MiTB briefcase would work well for him; it gives them a year of putting him in and out of the spotlight, and they don’t have to come up with any kind of story as for why he finally wins the belt. He’s got the midcard credibility. He’s got the fanbase. I can see it. Chance of Winning: Likely
Drew McIntyre – Ah poor old Drew. He was actually penciled in to win this match back in 2010. A decision was made the day of the PPV to give it to Kane though. Maybe things would be different for McIntyre now if he had actually won the ‘case that day. But maybe not. Look at Swagger. Anyway, like most of the other jobbers I named (Sad that I have to refer to one of my favorite superstars in that manner) his chances of even being in the match are almost nonexistent, so don’t bet any money on him walking out with the briefcase. Chance of Winning: None
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson – Yeah, he’s listed as a Superstar on WWE.com. Keep dreaming guys. Member when he said he was back for good? That was the night after ‘Mania. Have you seen him since then? No? You haven’t?! But he said he was staying forever!!! I can’t believe they would play with us like that just to bring in views! WHATEVER, THE ROCK IS STILL AWESOME AND I WILL STILL THROW MONEY AT THE SCREEN WHENEVER HE APPEARS, CONTINUING TO INSPIRE VINCE TO PUT HIM OVER GUYS WHO ARE ACTUALLY IN THE COMPANY. Anyway, mini-rant aside, you think he has a shot at winning? I feel bad for you if you think he even has a shot at showing up. Chance of Winning: None, though if enough people said they would watch I wouldn’t be surprised if Vince gave it to him.
Epico – He’s been MIA for a while, for the same reason as A.W. However, even when he’s around, he’s a tag champ at best, and meat for a larger star to throw around at worst. Chance of Winning: None
Evan Bourne – He’s suffered a potentially career-ending foot injury. Also, if the injury heals, he’ll probably be fired or just never used once he “returns.” But he’s still on the WWE website so… Maybe he’ll return in a surprise appearance at the PPV and win the briefcase! Also, I’m fucking insane. Chance of Winning: None
Ezekiel Jackson – A while back, rumblings started that this guy was next on the block for a push of some sort. That obviously didn’t happen. Now… I don’t know. I can’t think of anything to say because when was the last time we even saw this dude, TV or not- Oh wait! He got fucked up by Damien Sandow a week or two ago on SmackDown. Sweet. Chance of Winning: None
The Great Khali – Yes apparently Khali IS still with WWE. This dude is the Indian John Cena. Now, you might say he has absolutely no chance here. On the other hand, did anybody think he would be winning the World Championship all those years ago? Oh wait, sorry. There’s no chance he’s winning. He can barely walk, let alone climb a ladder. Though watching him inevitably fall off of the ladder while trying to climb would be somewhat entertaining, since it would be the first on-screen death shown by the WWE in years. Chance of Winning: None
Heath Slater – Oh isn’t that cute. They have the guy who carries John Cena’s bags profile in the Superstars section. All jokes aside, Slater feuded with Flo-Rida a few months back. How many superstars can lay claim to that?! Only the good ones. Kind of like Otunga, I enjoy Slater due to that bad movie principle. My schadenfreude-ian enjoyment of his antics aside, he won’t be winning any briefcases, though he may actually get to be in the match, since he was last year. That’s more than can be said for a frighteningly large portion of these guys. Chance of Winning: None
Hornswoggle – WWE has done stupider things in the past, but I’ll have an ounce of faith in humanity and say that old Horny probably won’t be winning anything. Chance of Winning: None
Hunico – I mentioned earlier in this piece that I love Hunico. His look is awesome, and he can really go in the ring. He was feuding with Ted DiBiase, but then that idiot got hurt. I think Camacho has wrestled more times than Hunico in the last few months. Hunico definitely shouldn’t be in the position he’s in the company, but despite his talents, he’s stuck at the bottom of the barrel with no visible means of escape. Chance of Winning: None
Jerry Lawler – Yep, superstar page for this dude. Much like Booker, he won’t even be in either match. However, I bet no one figured he would get a WWE title match at last year’s Elimination Chamber. Chance of Winning: None
Jey Uso – Hey, this dude still has a job? That’s weird. Chance of Winning: None
Jimmy Uso – Same as above. Boy the fact that so many of these guys suck makes joke writing much easier. Chance of Winning: None
Jinder Mahal – Mahal was brought up to the main roster last Summer and was in line to be pushed to the moon. However, it was soon realized that he was far too green in the ring to actually accomplish anything. And rather than do some sort of injury angle and send him back to FCW, WWE just kind of… Left him on SmackDown, and he’s floundered ever since. I could see them maybe throwing him in one of the MiTB matches just as a filler guy, but don’t fool yourself into thinking he has anything resembling a shot at victory. Chance of Winning: None
John Cena – Weird that he’s on this list right? You’d think maybe at some point Cena would’ve gotten a briefcase, even though he’s the one guy who absolutely positively doesn’t need it and never will. WWE, even in their infinite unwisdom, recognizes that and as such he more than likely won’t be in either ladder match and certainly won’t be winning a briefcase. Don’t worry though; he’ll win a few championships over the next few months despite this. Chance of Winning: None
John Laurinaitis – Yeah, Big Johnny is a superstar. If they actually throw him in one of these matches, that would be the funniest thing ever. In fact, an angle with him winning could be entertaining, sort of akin to Vinny Mac winning the Rumble all those years ago. But WWE would never gamble on something that tentatively entertaining these days. Chance of Winning: None
Johnny Curtis – Yep, this dude is still alive. You learn something new everyday, huh? Like most of these guys, he likely won’t even be on TV in the coming weeks, let alone on this PPV or winning anything. Chance of Winning: Let’s Not Kid Ourselves
Josh Mathews – Yeah that classic superstar Josh Mathews. Fun fact: I didn’t know his name was only spelled with one “t” in Mathews! Like I keep saying, you learn something new everyday. Chance of Winning: None
JTG- Yes, another man that inexplicably continues to be employed despite almost being tailor-made for tag team wrestling and lacking a partner. JTG worked very well with Shad in Cryme Tyme, but WWE doesn’t like tag teams that work so JTG has floundered ever since Shad was released. The guy can perform, but his look sucks and he’s just… Boring. No one cares about him, and he won’t be in either MiTB match. Chance of Winning: None
Justin Gabriel – Now, Gabriel has almost no chance of winning this thing. The only thing that sets him apart from everybody else who has no chance is that he might actually be in one of the matches, performs relatively well, and will be moving on to something in coming months. He’s slated to team with Tyson Kidd and probably have a Tag Title Run. However, he’s presently injured, so even his involvement in this year’s MiTB is probably not likely. Chance of Winning: Highly Unlikely
That’s it until next week! I’ll do the other half of WWE.com’s Superstars next Thursday so stay tuned! If you enjoyed this or hated it, and want to talk wrestling, columns, action figures, whatever, email me (hahahahawhy@Yahoo.com) and friend me on Facebook (Nodq Geddy Cahoon)! Also, check out the other sites I write for: QuickWrestlingNews.com, NoDQ.com, and nerd-world-country.blogspot.com, my nerd-related blog thingy. Until next week, thanks for reading!
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