Alright I’ve taken a few weeks off and you’ve missed me…what’s that….you didn’t even notice….that hurts. Well anyway I’m back but I’m putting a hold on my Mount Rushmore of wrestling columns and instead I’m going to do my Big, Awesome, Fake Betting WrestleMania Column. That’s right I along with my fake Vegas team have handicapped this years “Showcase of the Immortals”. Now the run up to WrestleMania has been more talking than wrestling, but I’m still very intrigued. There is something here for every wrestling fan; yes even you disgruntled Attitude Era hold out and hardcore enthusiasts. This has the feel of the biggest WrestleMania of all time from a pure wrestling standpoint. Not a lot of outside star power, but that’s a plus. This is going to be big and not just because of The Rock vs. Cena although that will be an entertaining match. This WrestleMania isn’t top heavy with one or two marque matches but it is good to great the whole way through minus one match but I’ll get into that in a bit.
Here is how I do my picks for those unfamiliar with my process. I place fake money lines Vegas style and tell how I’m betting and why. Not sure what money line is. That’s okay I’ll explain it as best I can.
New York Giants+120
New England Patriots -130
In this instance, the Patriots are the favored team, as signified by the – (minus) written in front of the 130, while the Giants are the underdogs, as designated by the + (plus) in front of the 120.
What these numbers mean is that those wishing to bet on the favorite, the Patriots, will have to risk $130 to win $100, while those wanting to wager on the underdog, the Giants, will risk $100 to win $120. Got it? Good, moving on.
Cody Rhodes vs. Big Show (pick’em)
Wow we start off our betting with a pick’em match between up and coming star Cody Rhodes and WWE mainstay and WrestleMania loser The Big Show. Now normally I and Vegas would probably have picked The Big Show for obvious reasons but as Cody has pointed out for over a month Show just doesn’t show up at WrestleMania. Big Show is the opposite of Shawn Michaels he is Mr.Anti-Wrestlemania. With that said it’s hard to pick against Show, he’s just too big to count out against a very talented but much smaller opponent in Cody. This is a tough one and that is clearly reflected by the fact Vegas made it a pick’em. I have to pick a winner though and I’m going with tradition over my head here and I’m picking Show to choke once again at WrestleMania.
Cody Rhodes over Big Show (confidence level 3/10)
Randy Orton (-200) vs. Kane (+150)
Vegas just isn’t buying the big red machine and he hasn’t really given them a reason to. Sure he’s looked impressive versus lesser opponents but at no time has he shown he can dominate The Viper. Randy is just plain better than Kane in the ring and this match doesn’t play to any of Kane’s strengths. If this was a no holds barred match or some other vicious rules match then Kane would be a huge favorite. However seeing as this is going to be a normal rules match the better wrestler should prevail and the better wrestler is Randy Orton.
Randy Orton over Kane (confidence level 6/10)
Beth Phoenix & Eve (-200) vs. Kelly Kelly & Maria Menounos (+150)
This is the “celebrity” match at this year’s WrestleMania. Of course calling Maria Menounos a celebrity is like calling me a world famous Geography Bee contestant because I came in 2nd in my 8th grade Geography Bee (DAMN YOU GUAM!!!). Don’t get me wrong it’s a great thing that there aren’t any Jersey Shore morons or jackass millionaires at this year’s WrestleMania. This will be an amazing match with some great holds….oh wait that’s the opposite of what this will be. Chalk this one up to I don’t give a crap and this will be when I refresh my booze cup and take a trip to the bathroom. I gotta pick a winner or in this case a better polished turd. I’m taking the odds here and the odds are just begging me to bet on Maria and Kelly Kelly.
Maria and Kelly Kelly over Beth Phoenix and Eve (confidence level 5/10)
Team Teddy vs. Team Johnny (pick’em)
Vegas once again can’t seem to give real odds on a match. This is the “we need to give as many people as possible a WrestleMania Bonus” match. This use to be the Money In The Bank match but they screwed with a good thing and now we don’t get that amazing match at WrestleMania. Instead we get a bunch of mid-carders go to war for who is the better GM or something like that. There are two matches on the card that will be designated my bathroom and refill breaks. This is the second of the two. I just honestly don’t care about this match or what the outcome means. This is just boring and a time killer. The rest of the card from here on out is the cream of the crop and worth every penny you’ll have to shell out for it. Again I have to pick a winner and since I don’t care or care enough to care enough about any real analysis I flipped a coin.
Team Johnny over Team Teddy (confidence level who gives a shit)
World Heavyweight Title Match: DANIEL BRYAN (+200) vs. Sheamus (-250)
Not very often does Vegas go against the champion but it has overwhelmingly gone against Mr. Yes Yes Yes. Bryan brings so much to the table, great hold for hold wrestler, smarter than most, and has a knack for walking away with his title no matter the odds. He beat Big Show and Mark Henry in a cage match for crying out loud. Daniel Bryan has held on to the World Heavyweight Title much longer than I thought he would and part of me is screaming “go with the guy who will do anything to retain….I mean anything”. The other part is playing Sheamus and his dominate streak of late over and over again. No one is hotter than Sheamus is right now. It’s hard to bet against the Celtic Warrior and his size and talent. On a personal level I couldn’t be happier for these two. These two were the dark match at last year’s WrestleMania and through hard work and determination they are now one of the headliners. Sort of like when Mötley Crüe opened for Ozzy and then a decade later Ozzy opened for Crüe. I think this will be a great maximize your minutes match and the two will put on a great but kind of short match. So hard to pick a winner, but Sheamus’ trajectory is just too fast and too steep to be stopped.
SHEAMUS wins Heavyweight Title over Daniel Bryan (confidence level 7/10)
WWE Championship Match: CM PUNK (-150) vs. Chris Jericho (+150)
On any other card this is the biggest match by a country mile. These two are the two best pure wrestlers in the world and they will be fighting for that bragging right on Sunday. This will be an amazing match that will set the bar for the night. Look past the mind games Jericho has been playing because those won’t matter once the bell rings. What will matter though is Jericho has pinned Punk three times in the last two months while Punk hasn’t pinned Jericho once in that time frame. This hasn’t deterred Vegas from making Punk the slight favorite but it certainly has me wondering if Punk can beat him one two three in the middle of the ring. These two know each other very well and there will be very little that will surprise either one of them at this point. Punk has the champion’s advantage but there is no way he is going to let Jericho walk away with either a count out or disqualification win. This will be settled in the middle of the ring as it should be. My only criticism of this build up is the lack of real pipe bombs from Punk. Maybe that was the plan all along, to have this be more about Jericho and his mind games. Punk showed us on Monday that he has another gear he can go to. Does Jericho have any idea what Punk has in store for him, or does Jericho think his mind game has Punk off his usual cool self? Will Punk channel his aggression into victory? I think so.
CM PUNK retains WWE title over Jericho (confidence level 6/10)
HHH (+250) vs. Undertaker(-300) Hell in a Cell
The end of an era match is also my guarantee to steal the show. Two old warriors who have very little left to give are going to give what little they have left to us. Side note I have to say this is a dream hell in a cell match for me. These two battle tested old war horses are famous/infamous for their history in the “devil’s playground”. This match will help define the winner’s legacy. If HHH wins he becomes the man who ended the streak. Another side point I’m an unabashed HHH fan. People want to say he buried talent and played politics better than anyone else. However, that is only been said by former disgruntled wrestlers. I’ve only ever heard good things from former creative staff. Everyone says the same thing “HHH only cared about his matches and spent no real time actively putting down talent.” or “say what you want about HHH’s talent but he never went after talent. He was never in Vince’s ear negatively about other talent.”. Okay back to the match this Sunday and what it means for these two; Specifically The Undertaker. What’s at stake for Undertaker? How about the respect of being 20-0 and the only guy ever to go undefeated on the biggest stage in the business? To me being 20-0 at WrestleMania is an even bigger accomplishment than Ric Flair’s 16 world titles or Bruno Sanmartino’s record for longest reining WWE/WWF champion. It’s the 1972 perfect Dolphins or the 72 win 1995-1996 Bulls. Those accomplishments will never be topped just like Taker going 20-0 would never ever be topped. No one will last 20 years in the WWE, let alone last those 20 years and be good enough for Vince to have go undefeated for 20 straight WrestleMania’s. This isn’t just the feather in the cap of his career; it is his career at this point. Just like Hank Aaron was known only for his home run record, despite a great career average and a great defensive mind. Undertaker will be known first and foremost by his streak. If there was one person though who could end it wouldn’t it have to be HHH? Undertaker time and time again in interviews talks about his respect for HHH. If one guy could pull it off it’s have to be HHH and it’d have to be in Hell in a Cell. I don’t like the odds Vegas are giving Undertaker because it makes it hard to bet on him because he’s just too big of a favorite. However, I feel it deep down; no one will end the streak.
Undertaker (20-0) over HHH (confidence level 9-10)
John Cena (-200) vs. The Rock (+150)
Arguably the biggest match in wrestling history. Cena knows a thing or two about going into hostile territory, MITB vs. CM Punk in Chicago, and ECW ONS vs. RVD in Hammerstein Ballroom. Now he didn’t win either time but he’s been there. He’s had to hear crowds 90% against him like it will be in Miami. The Rock has the home field advantage and all the momentum that comes with that. However, The Rock hasn’t had a one on one match in almost a decade and the rust was obvious at Survivor Series. John Cena is who he is for better or for worse. Cena isn’t rusty and has more to lose by losing than The Rock does. The Rock pointed out that winning means a lot to him. It’ll make him the only guy to beat the Undertaker, Stone Cold, Hulk Hogan, and John Cena. Great accomplishment but he’s not an active wrestler. He isn’t making his living in the ring anymore like Cena is. Cena may be the visitor in Miami but The Rock is the visitor in the ring. This isn’t his domain anymore; it’s Cena’s domain. If Cena loses it means he isn’t as good as the guys from the Attitude Era. It means all his critics were right, that he’s a big dog in a smaller yard. This is Cena’s legacy much like the streak will define the Undertaker; this match will define Cena. If he wins he can say he’s just as good if not better than anyone from any era. If he loses we can all say “see you aren’t Superman, you are a fraud”. No one will think less of The Rock if he loses, but people will hold it against Cena if he loses. With that said, no way The Rock came back to lose.
The Rock over John Cena (confidence level 2/10)
Well that’s all for me this week, thanks again for reading and as always if you want to get a hold of me to call me an idiot, tell me I’m smart, or ask a question you can do so by following me on twitter @JaredGebhardt or via email firstname.lastname@example.org . You can also check out my entertainment column at filmonair.com.