All right so I’m going back to an old article I wrote a few months back where I put fictional betting lines on wrestling matches. I’m going to do this for the Royal Rumble pay-per-view because you know and I know gambling should be legal for everyone and quite frankly we should be able to bet on wrestling out comes. I know you are thinking “But Jared the outcome if predetermined and people in the company would make millions.”, well random jerk who interrupts me while making a point, do you really think Vegas would allow someone in the company to screw them out of millions? I love gambling (you know if it was legal), we aren’t going into how much I lost because Jay Cutler decided to wimp out and stand on the side line while his defense practically killed themselves trying to keep them in that game. Just know my wife isn’t very happy with me about that one, or at least she would have been even more upset had Rex Ryan’s crew not saved me by not showing up for the first half of that game. Okay enough with my addictions, which if you are keeping track is, gambling, drinking, and books by Harry Turtledove.
If you don’t understand gambling I’ll run it down for you. If I say, there is a match between Michael Jackson and Ed McMahon in Hell the line would read Michael Jackson -500 over Ed McMahon +400, what that mean is that you have to bet $500 to make $100 on Michael Jackson, however you only have to bet $100 to make $400 on Ed McMahon. We caught up to speed now. (Full disclosure I have no idea if Ed McMahon or Michael Jackson are in Hell I’m just saying)
Champions will be in all caps. We’ll start slow here and start off with the Divas championship match.
WWE Divas Championship Handicap Match: NATAYLA (+200) vs. LayCool (-200)
Vegas still is not buying Natalya as a champion, at least not against LayCool even though she has beaten them both a few times. The reason for this is LayCool have been champion before and really, it is an unfair fight for Natalya that she has to worry about both of them. Well in reality the only talented one of the two is Michelle, so it is actually like wrestling 1 ½ female wrestlers, which is, like wrestling 1/4 of a male wrestle. I think I will lay my fictional money down on LayCool even though I’d get a higher pay out on Natalya. I just feel like LayCool have lost some of their impact by not being champions. I know I make fun of women’s wrestling a lot but they are the best female heel wrestlers of all time, and they aren’t nearly as good without the title. I’m taking them for two reasons, first there is two of them and Natalya can only overcome the numbers game so many times before it catches up with her, and two LayCool is better for the company as champions and that matters to Vince McMahon.
LayCool over Natayla
WWE World Heavyweight Championship Match: EDGE (-500) vs. Dolph Ziggler (+350)
Apparently Vegas isn’t buying into Dolph quite as much as I thought they would. This doesn’t make that much sense considering Dolph has the commissioner on his side. Which on a side note I just want to say the “coma” angle in wrestling is so played out that when it happens I get so enraged I actually kick my poor cat, that’s right WWE creative team you caused poor little Oscar to get a round house kick to the face. I guess Vegas is buying into the whole veterans over greenies idea, you never take a person who is in their first world title match unless there is an extenuating circumstance. (i.e. The Miz winning after Orton was injured in a previous match) This goes for betting on new teams in any playoff format as well, new teams just don’t win the moment is too big for them. I’m taking Edge because I just don’t trust Dolph enough yet, yes he’s good, yes he has Vickie on his side, but Edge is just too good to lose to guy like Dolph. Dolph just is not ready yet for the big time and Edge is going to win this one. I’m betting him even with the line begging me to pick Dolph.
Edge over Dolph Ziggler
WWE Championship Match: THE MIZ (+300) vs. Randy Orton (-300)
Vegas has not bought into The Miz as champion and the line reflects that. I expected this line to be a little closer but I guess Vegas doesn’t like Miz as much as Michael Cole and I do. Miz hasn’t beaten Orton cleanly yet so he hasn’t exactly given us reason to believe in him. Orton is the veteran and he has been here before, and The Viper is looking for vengeance. Can Miz match Orton’s intensity and anger, or will Orton overwhelm the young Miz and win back the title he feels he lost unfairly. I think it’s safe to say that Orton will have to overcome not only the most watch champion of all time but also Alex Riley. I can’t overstate how important Alex Riley has been to The Miz’s title run, I’d say without A-Rye he probably wouldn’t still be WWE champion. I am going to bet with brain and gut on this one and I’m going with Mr. Awesome himself The Miz. That’s right I’m taking The Miz, the underdog in Vegas’ eyes, in the biggest match of his career to date. I’m taking him because this is a career defining match, if he can beat Orton again the world will finally have to admit that The Miz is as great as he says he is, and maybe Orton will have to take a step back.
The Miz over Randy Orton
All right now we are moving on to the Rumble, which has expanded to 40 and I have gotten several emails on what I think about going to 40 at the Rumble. Well guess what, I freaking love it, the more Rumble there is the happier I am. I can’t get enough people being thrown over the top rope, I can’t see 8 people trying to eliminate Mark Henry or Big Show enough times, I can’t get over any of it I love every second of it. My buddy Tom and I put this pay-per-view on our list of things we need to see together and not just email or text each other about when it’s over.
John Cena ( -200)
Sheamus (Even Money)
CM Punk (even money)
John Morrison (Even money)
Wade Barrett (+200)
Alberto Del Rio (+200)
“Dashing” Cody Rhodes (+500)
Daniel Bryan (+300)
Darren Young (+1000)
David Hart Smith (+1000)
David Otunga (+800)
Husky Harris (+800)
Mark Henry (+300)
Michael McGuillicutty (+800)
Rey Mysterio ( +200)
Sheamus (Even Money)
Ted DiBiase, Jr. (+500)
Vegas has money on Cena, Punk, Sheamus, and John Morrison winning the Rumble. The rest is pretty much a crapshoot, with Primo having the worst odds of the wrestlers listed. My money is on Cena, I know it’s a bad idea to go with the only guy in the Rumble where I have to bet more than I will make but I just feel that the Corre and Nexus will eliminate each other and ultimately give Cena the one thing neither want to happen. Cena will win the Rumble and I will be left very angry and chugging another beer to make myself feel better because if you need to know anything it is that booze makes you happy. (Drink responsibly)
Random bet that Vegas has out there for us and I’m taking right now.
HHH returns at the rumble (+300).
Thanks again for reading my column and if you want to email me with any questions, comments, concerns, or hate you can send it to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Sincerely The Wrestling Genius,