The shows opens with the BROKEN Hardys arriving at the arena, and Matt stresses over the carbohydrates King Maxel is eating. Brother Nero asks Matt what the Seven Deities have in mind for tonight, and Matt says he has heard them and we will find out shortly.
The DCC comes out to the ring and says the world is crumbling around them, but their ass-kicking business is BOOMING. This brings out Eli Drake and Tyrus, and Tyrus wants to know how tough they are when they have to fight straight up. A brawl breaks out at ringside with Drake and Tyrus winning early on, but the DCC has the numbers advantage and turns the tide as we go to commercial.
We’re back, and it looks like we have an impromptu opening match!
Eli Drake & Tyrus vs The DCC
It’s 3-on-2, and Tyrus is trashing Eddie Kingston as we come back from commercial, then Drake tags in to unload with some right hands. Kingston goes to the eyes, and Drake is caught in the wrong half of the ring as the DCC tags in and out on him. Drake snaps a powerslam off on Bram for 2, then a suplex gets another 2. Now Tyrus and Drake are in control and cutting Bram off from Storm and Kingston, as Drake puts the boots to Bram in the corner and then distracts the ref while Tyrus goes to the eyes. Bram gets a right hand in on Drake as he comes off the second rope and makes the hot tag to Storm, who cleans house on Drake and flattens him with a Slingblade. Storm almost hits Last Call, but Drake falls away from him and tags in Tyrus. They trade right hands, Tyrus comes out on top, and then he lays Kingston and Bram out for good measure. He goes to tag Drake, but Drake is taking a walk and leaving Tyrus by himself. Tyrus continues trying to fight, but eats the Last Call from Storm, and Kingston falls on top for the win.
Winners: The DCC
Well that was a dick move by Drake! I wouldn’t want to be him when Tyrus gets to the back.
We look back at the Lashley-Edwards cage match from last summer when Lashley won the X Division Title. The final Lashley-Edwards match for the TNA World Title is happening tonight!
Brandi Rhodes is backstage and says she’s still learning, but wants to set an example for how a TNA Knockout should act. Because of that, she’s going to the ring to call out Rosemary.
Braxton Sutter just happens to bump into Allie backstage, but Maria walks in before they have a chance to talk and orders Allie to get her coffee. Allie asks if she means coffee coffee, or whiskey coffee? Maria yells at her to just go, and then tells Braxton not to ruin Laurel’s magical day. Braxton says she can’t force people to do this, but Maria says she can EXPECT it to happen, and remember: four carats.
Brandi Rhodes comes out to the ring and says it’s been great being a TNA Knockout, but she’s the type of woman who will get down to it if she has a problem with somebody. Right now, she has a BIG problem with another Knockout who is vile, disgusting, purely evil, likes to play mind games, and thinks she’s playing mind games with her right now. She wants to set it straight, and calls Rosemary out. If Rosemary wants a fight, she is standing right here, so WHAT IS UP? Rosemary comes out to join Brandi in the ring (with Abyss and Crazzzzzzzzzzy Steve in tow), and she says she saw such potential in Brandi, and had she allowed it to be nourished by the darkness, she might have enjoyed a taste of their sickness, but she rejected them. What Brandi fails to remember is that Decay comes for everyone…by choice or by force. Decay is everywhere (Steve and Abyss start to climb in), and Brandi chooses to fight. Rosemary can’t say she doesn’t respect that choice, but it is her funeral.Decay backs Brandi into the middle of the ring where Rosemary catches Brandi in a front guillotine choke. Oh wait, here comes Moose! He headbutts Crazzzzzzzy Steve into next week, unloads on Abyss with big right hands, and lays him out as well with a discus right hand. Rosemary is up and staring Moose down, but then she slides to the outside. Moose goes to check on Brandi as Decay backs up the ramp.
Spud introduces the man whose name can not be spoken, Aron Rex. He asks Rex what will happen to Robbie E tonight, and Rex says Robbie is not a man, he hates fashion no-nos, and he is the reason God invented eyelids so we can close them and not look at Robbie. He says violence is not the answer, but he’ll make an exception for Robbie. He daintily hands the mic to Spud and saunters off.
Moose and Brandi Rhodes are backstage, and Brandi says that Decay didn’t seem to know she has friends around here. She challenges them to a mixed tag team match next week: Decay against Big Moose and Litle Moose!
Rockstar Spud introduces Aron Rex, who comes out and thayth that the fanth apparently didn’t realithe that you can’t thay hith name, you have to thing it, so he tells Rockstar Spud to give them another chance. Spud sings his name, and Rex says to do it one more time, but Robbie E’s entrance interrupts that, and we go into…
Aron Rex vs Robbie E
Robbie tries bringing the fight to Rex, but Rex keeps running and uses Spud as a human shield, then cheapshots Robbie. Robbie Thesz presses Rex and hammers him with right hands. Robbie atomic drops Rex into next week, and Rex tries to run, even holding onto Spud’s hands, but Robbie keeps after him. Rex goes to the eyes and dumps Robbie to the floor, then repeatedly rakes his boot laces across Robbie’s eyes when he comes back in. Wow, old school Jesse Ventura! Robbie dodges a kneedrop (which Rex oversells the bump from), then connects with a series of clotheslines and a second rope elbow. Robbie with a top rope bodypress, Spud tries pulling Rex to the floor again, but Robbie pulls them both into the ring. Robbie stands over Spud and slaps him around, but Rex uses a gimmick to knock Robbie out with a right hand and get the win.
Winner: Aron Rex
I really hate this Aron Rex gimmick. SO insulting.
The BROKEN Hardys are backstage and Matt says the Expedition of Gold must continue, and now they go out to the Zone of Impact YEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
We look back at the night Eddie Edwards defeated Bobby Lashley for the TNA World Title. Their last rematch is tonight, and Davey Richards and Angelina Love are here to support him! I’m sure that won’t end badly for Eddie.
Mike Bennett is backstage giving Braxton Sutter a pep talk and says they’re about to become practically like brothers, but Sutter asks him how he deals with Maria. Mike says she really does have a kind heart and wants what’s best for those around her. His wife gets what she wants, and he knows Sutter is going to do the right thing. Sutter says Bennett is right, he is going to do the right thing, and he leaves. Bennett is pleased and says, “Damn, I’m good!”
The BROKEN Hardys are in the ring (Reby plays the piano and she and Maxel do DELETE DELETE DELETE. Very cute. ? BROKEN Matt says he had a PREEMOTEESHUN about the Expedition of Gold, the pieces came slowly, but they came together and he saw the EXPEDEESHUN OF GOLD in its totality. He uncovers Vanguard-1 on a pedestal, and the fans start chanting for Vanguard-1 as Matt says he is the most powerful drone in all of space and time, he is a mechanism of teleportation. He will take the BROKEN Hardys to every promotion with tag team champions, and they must procure it. Matt has seen TEAM after TEAM after TEAM, and they conquer and win TITLE after TITLE after TITLE after TITLE, and they will repeat this process OVAH and OVAH and OVAH and OVAH nad OVAH AGIN until the Seven Deities deem them the greatest tag team in all of space and time! Brother Nero asks BROKEN Matt about this teleportation and his PREEMONESHUN for the Creatures. Matt says his scintillating lexicon can be hard to follow, so in layman’s terms, they will put their hand on Vanguard-1, be teleported to another part of the earth to other promotions, such as the Honorable Ring where they will face the Bucks of Youth (who many think are on the level of them) or to the dastardly MICK MAHON SHOW! Wherever it takes them, there will be tag team gold, and they must win it until they become the greatest tag team in all of space and time. Matt has another PREEMONISHUN, put their hands on Vanguard-1, and the expedition will begin! Sure enough, the Hardys teleport out of the Zone of Impact and to…somewhere where everything is Spanish. They asks someone where they are, and the guy says they’re in Tijuana, Mexico. Matt says WONDERFUL! in Spanish, and I guess we’ll find out how that goes later on tonight.
Bobby Lashley is backstage, and he’s…WARMING UP!
Grand Championship Match: Drew Galloway vs Mahabali Shera
Because when I think high-level wrestling strategist, I think Mahabali F’n Shera. Bell rings and Shera quickly gets a schoolboy rollup and a backslide for a pair of two counts, Galloway goes for the Future Shock, but Shera picks the legs and gets a jackknife rollup for 2. Galloway decides to just start unloading on Shera, but Shera pops him over with a thing that kind of looks like a powerslam where Shera forgot to go down with Drew. Drew goes to the top, but Shera tosses him off, then picks him up for something that looked like he was either going for a Samoan drop or running powerslam, but hadn’t decided, so just kind of balanced Drew on his head. Drew gets the advantage when they go to the floor, Drwe charges and Shera pops him up for something, but apparently forgot quite what he had in mind and Drew just comes down on his feet, so Drew covers by dropping him on the barricade. They go back inside, the bell rings, but Shera hits a Sky High anyway, appearing to drop Drew on his pelvis instead of his back like he’s supposed to.
Shera wins Round 1 on a split decision, so Drew flattens Shera with a big boot as soon as Round 2 starts and begins hammering him, then hits an overhead release suplex for 2. Shera fires up out of nowhere and hits a pop-up powerslam for 2, but Drew headbutts him and connects with a charging forearm. Shera dodges a top rope move, Drew escapes a Sky High and hits the Claymore kick followed by the Future Shock DDT for the win.
Winner: Drew Galloway
Luna Van Neese is backstage ordering a stagehand to do a light show for her entrance, but Braxton Sutter comes in and tries to tell her that it’s off. He drops his water bottle and gets down on one knee to pick it up, and Laurel goes nuts saying YES SHE’LL MARRY HIM YES YES I know you’re not rich BUT WE’LL FIGURE IT OUT OHMYGOD I HAVE TO GO TELL MARIA! Laurel runs off before Braxton has a chance to slow this down.
Gregory Shane Reginald Thomas Gregory Jason Marcus Adam Gregory Philip Helms introduces Trevor Lee, who shows off that he is now a two-time X Division Champion. He said it would only be a matter of time before he got back what was his. Now that he’s the champion again, it proves he’s the crown jewel of the X Division and the Helms Dynasty. Helms applauds Lee, and Helms says it’s time for him to be honest about something. A real man recognizes his limitations and see his own weaknesses in a mirror, and the weakness in the Helms Dynasty…IS YOU ANDREW EVERETT. Helms has given him one opportunity after after and watched them get squandered. He’s here because of Helms, and he wants to know how many times Andrew will fail him. He doesn’t want the Dynasty to have any weaknesses, and if he has to trim some fat, that’s what he’ll do. Everett pulls the mic out of his hands and says that Shane Bobby Jim Dennis Kevin has known him his whole life, but he’s wrong. He’s jumped on a lot of grenades for this team, and he knows how good Trevor Lee is because he traveled the entire country with Trevor Lee, and they win gold everywhere they go, and they did it without Helms. The question Everett has is what if he’s not the problem here? What if the problem is an old man living off his former glories? Helms seems amused by that, and he takes his jacket off, but Everett turns his back to Lee and gets jumped, predictably enough. They put the boots to Everett and Helms holds him so Lee can drill him with a leaping kneestrike. Then Helms whips Everett into a leaping double stomp from Lee. Oh no! Now they’re going to still have the same match with the same guys every week…BUT NOW THEY’LL BE ENEMIES!!!
We see a video package of Bobby Lashley and Eddie Edwards training and talking about facing each other. Good video package, really good actually. The final match is up next!
Back to the BROKEN Hardys getting mobbed in the streets of Tijuana by fans going DELETE DELETE DELETE! It is just surreal seeing how over this gimmick is EVERYWHERE. Next week we’ll see the BROKEN Hardys challenge Psicosis & Super Crazy for whatever tag title they hold (held) in Tijuana. But for right now, it’s…MAIN EVENT TIME!
Impact World Title Match: Bobby Lashley vs Eddie Edwards
A quick scuffle sends Lashley to the outside, where he mouths off to Angelina Love and Eddie’s wife Alicia. Eddie doesn’t take kindly to that, and wipes Lashley out with a dive through the ropes. Eddie unloads with chops and tosses Lashley back in, but walks right into a big spinebuster as we go to commercial.
We’re back, and Lashley is stomping the bejeesus out of Eddie and covers for 2 before choking Eddie with his boot. The girls are cheering Eddie on from ringside as Lashley continues to work Eddie over, repeatedly ramming shoulders into Eddie’s ribs in the corner. Eddie connects with a clothesline out of nowhere that floors Lashley, and now here come the chops! Eddie comes off the top with a Frankensteiner attempt, Lashley catches him and goes for a powerbomb over the top rope, but Eddie holds on and hits the Frankensteiner as they leave the ring. Eddie connects with another dive through the ropes, then rolls Lashley back in and comes off the top with a missile dropkick for 2. Lashley pops Eddie up for a powerslam, flips him upside down while he has him over the shoulder, and plants Eddie with a Dominator. Lashley goes and grabs the belt from the timekeeper’s table and brings it back in, he goes to swing it at Eddie, but Davey Richards comes out and grabs the belt, distracting Lashley long enough for Eddie to recover and hit a Blue Thunder Bomb for 2. Davey is at ringside cheering Eddie on as he comes off the top with a double stomp that Lashley dodges, but Eddie hits a leaping enziguiri that sends Lashley out to the floor. Eddie goes for another dive, but Lashley catches him and hits an overhead release suplex on the floor. OUCH! Lashley rolls Eddie back in and laughs at Davey as he sets up for the spear. He charges…right into the Boston Knee Party. The ref counts…but Davey Richards pulls him out at 2! Eddie asks Davey what he’s doing, and Davey says it’s all about him and he doesn’t care about him anymore. He tells Eddie to believe in this, then points at Angelina, who lays Eddie’s wife out. Lashley drills Eddie with a spear and covers for the win.
Winner: Bobby Lashley
SUCH a surprising finish, but whatevs. Davey comes in the ring as Angelina drags Alicia up and dumps her into the ring. Angelina holds Alicia and makes her watch as Davey puts the boots to Eddie. Eddie asks Angelina what’s wrong with her, but Davey and Angelina make out and then Davey chokes Eddie with his belt as Angelina goes back to yanking up on Alicia’s hair and forcing her to watch. They make out again and raise their hands as we call it a night.