-We are LIVE! from Washington DC (capital of the US of A and one of the most dangerous cities in the country…irony)
-The Spanish announce table is at ringside so you can guarantee someone’s going through that table tonight.
United States Title
Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler
Why, oh why, is Kofi (the champion) introduced first? Those are the kind of little things that drive me nuts. I am digging the red, white and blue ropes though. They trade headlocks to kick things off but Kofi picks up the pace and hits an elbow for two. Cole desperately tries to put over the US title as something meaningful but come on now, it’s not even close to over.
Kofi hits a dropkick and brings Dolph out of the corner with a monkey flip. They screw up a stungun spot but Kofi sells anyway and Ziggler gets a Rocker Dropper for two. Dolph appears to get lost for a bit so Kofi gets a backslide for two but Ziggler fires off a dropkick for a near fall.
More stalling from Dolph for some reason until he drops an elbow for two and we hit a resthold. Kingston makes a comeback and rolls Dolph up twice for two but hits buckle on a blind charge and a German suplex gets two for Ziggler. Another resthold leads to another Kofi comeback but this one is stopped by the sleeper. When will WWE realize the sleeper is dead? They can’t get a submission from 1985 over in 2011.
Kofi uses a jawbreaker to stop the devastating sleeper and makes the comeback with a high cross body on Ziggler’s back for two. Boom Drop hits and Kofi exchanges finishers with Dolph until he hits the SOS…for two. Booker’s commentary is really weird here as he keeps saying he’s concerned for Kofi and his career…odd.
They do a decent pinfall reversal sequence and Kofi gets a nice counter of the Zig Zag with a double knee press for two. Kofi heads up top and gets a high cross body for two. Why the hell would Dolph jump like that while selling? What could Dolph (the character) accomplish by jumping in place when a guy is doing a high cross body? Makes no sense.
Dolph tries to finish with the Zig Zag but Kofi holds on to the ropes for a break. Vickie goes to Kofi’s eyes behind the referee’s back and gives Dolph the chance to lock on the sleeper. Kofi appears to fight for the ropes but Dolph rolls him back to the middle and the referee…calls for the bell? Even the announcers are totally confused about the decision until the ref hands the belt to Ziggler.
Winner and NEW Champion: Dolph Ziggler
-You know, I remember a former wrestling company who’s announcers appeared totally clueless during match decisions because they came out of right field. The official reason for the decision was that Kofi “passed out” because I guess it’s important for a midcarder like Kofi not to tap out. Match had energy and some real good sequences but the match finish left the crowd scratching their heads and the announcers sounding like idiots so call it **3/4.
-Backstage, R-Truth punks out Eve….no one cares, film at 11.
-Meanwhile, the Miz treats Alex Riley like a joke and is apparently really awesome.
-Maybe this Miz-Riley feud would have been more entertaining to me if Riley was portrayed as a bumbling moron in every single situation…just a thought.
The Miz vs. Alex Riley
Wow, the Miz goes from headlining WrestleMania to second from the bottom at Capitol Punishment…that’s gotta sting. Riley gets a hometown pop but even that wasn’t very impressive but, of course, King puts it over like Steve Austin just walked out. If there was ever a time for a Vince Russo-like bloody brawl, this is it.
Riley attacks immediately and they brawl until Miz gets a boot to the face and stomps away. Knee strikes put Riley down and vanilla offense from the Miz follows. Riley tries a comeback but Miz stops him with a short DDT for two and another big boot has Riley reeling. He still makes a comeback attempt but tries a blind charge and only hits ring post.
We head to the outside for ANOTHER big boot by Miz and Booker already wants the referee to stop the match. Wow, what a finish that would be. Between him worrying about Kofi’s career being over and Riley getting seriously hurt from 3 big boots, someone might want to talk to Booker about maybe not over-selling things.
Another Riley comeback (to zero reaction) is stopped by a chinlock. Yes, you ready that right, a chinlock…thrilling stuff. Snap reverse DDT gets two and Miz gets his clothesline in the corner. Double ax handle from the top gets another near fall as Booker T is ready to call an ambulance to ringside. Someone gets this man an IV, stat!
Miz hangs Riley in the Tree of Woe but A-Ry pulls himself up and Miz whiffs on a dropkick attempt, crotching himself on the ring post. Riley makes his big babyface comeback and hit a spinebuster for two (someone must have talked to HHH before this match). Riley gets his own big boot from apron but it only gets two.
We head outside and Riley kicks his ass around the ring and Cole loses his mind so Riley dumps him on his head. Miz jumps him from behind and grabs the briefcase but the referee thwarts the attack and Riley hits a jumping DDT for the upset win.
Winner: Alex Riley
-This finish is either a really good sign for Alex Riley or a really bad sign for the Miz. Kudos to WWE for giving Riley the win but I would really be concerned for the lack of crowd reaction. Also, Booker T is clinically insane. Call the thing ** because it was pretty boring in the opening minutes.
-Meanwhile, Sgt. Slaughter and Vickie Guerrero meet an Obama impersonator backstage and hilarity ensues.
Alberto Del Rio vs. The Big Show
Show jumps Del Rio during his entrance and kicks his ass around ringside. However, Mark Henry runs in from the crowd and uses the World’s Fattest Slam to drive Big Show through the Spanish announce table (told ya). Henry goes after Show’s injured knee like a good heel and finally leaves. Hell, it’s a shame Henry absolutely sucks in the ring because this was a damn effective heel attack.
Big Show fights his way back into the ring to beat the referee’s count while Cole screams something stupid about Del Rio winning by forfeit if Show can’t do it…what? So Show beats the count and dominates Del Rio until he tries a slam and the knee buckles, giving Del Rio the opening to stomp away for two.
Show stops the Del Rio assault and hits a chokeslam but Del Rio rolls to the outside. He necksnaps Show and tries for the cross armbreaker but Big Show slams him backwards to break. Didn’t this guy just go through a table and have his knee destroyed? Del Rio switches up his assault and goes a kneebar on the injured leg. Show fights to the ropes and Del Rio allows him to get to his feet for whatever reason. Show’s knee can’t hold his own weight, so the referee calls for the bell…AGAIN.
Winner: Alberto Del Rio
-Would it have killed Show to tap out to Del Rio? He got run over by a car then was attacked by the World’s Fattest Man AND had a leg submission applied on a supposedly crippled leg. We can’t even get a submission after all that? The win does absolutely nothing for Del Rio and Big Show is still over as much as he was 5 years ago (read: kinda). Match was an angle then 5 minutes of one guy kicking another guy in the leg *.
-Meanwhile, R-Truth roughs up a photographer who sasses him.
-Before the next match, Wade Barrett goes Generic Heel #2 and declares that the United States needs a king or queen. I’m surprised he didn’t point to the front row and yell “shut up, fatboy!” to really complete the transformation. Isn’t Ezekiel Jackson from Guyana anyway? Why play the USA card?
Wade Barrett vs. Ezekiel Jackson
The crowd goes absolutely apathetic for Jackson upon his entrance but hey, he’s got really big shoulders so let’s push him to the moon. Does anyone else look at Jackson and immediately think of Ahmed Johnson or am I the only old guy in the room? Nevermind.
Jackson takes down Barrett while Booker T justifies the USA chants by saying Jackson “looks American”. What the hell is he smoking? I’m getting worried. Jackson hammers away in the corner and gets a clothesline for two. Barrett turns the ride and gets a big boot before hitting a side slam for two.
After a chinlock, Barrett gets a rollup for two and Wade gets a pumphandle slam for another near fall. The crowd chants “we want fire” but that seems like wishful thinking to me. Stomp, stomp, stomp in the corner but Barrett misses a charge and Jackson makes the comeback.
Zeke looks for the repeated slams but Barrett counters to Wasteland for two. Jackson recovers and hits his dreaded, deadly, unstoppable REPEATED BODY SLAMS OF CERTAIN DEATH to set up the Torture Rack for the win and the title.
Winner and NEW Champion: Ezekiel Jackson
-This would be a fairly big win if anyone gave a flying rat’s ass about the IC title anymore. Match was kick-kick-punch-punch-big boot-kick-body slams-finish. Not exactly my cup of tea *.
-Jackson cuts a pro-USA promo…must be because he looks American. You’re goin’ down.
-Backstage, Santino tries to teach the Obama impersonator the Cobra and gets tackled by the Secret Service.
-Meanwhile, CM Punk cuts a promo on Rey Mysterio and subtlety mocks WWE’s obsession with terminology. That, of course, is why I love him. He promises to do the most honest thing WWE has ever seen once he wins tonight.
Rey Mysterio vs. CM Punk
CM Punk is definitely the favorite of the smarks in the crowd tonight. Feeling out process leads to Punk taking control with a tackle for two and they do a nice pinfall reversal sequence that ends with a dropkick to Punk’s face. They head outside and Mysterio tries flying headscissors off the apron but Punk dumps him face-first on the ring barrier…very nice.
Back inside, Punk goes to a surfboard and Rey Rey counters to a pin attempt, pissing Punk off and earning himself a butt splash for two. Punk works a leg scissors and follows with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker before going back to leg scissors. Hey look, psychology!
Mysterio manages to break and tries for the 619 but Punk cuts him off with a clothesline for two. CM Punk, king of old school, goes to the abdominal stretch but Mysterio fights out and gets a drop toe hold into the buckle. Punk again counters a Rey springboard attempt and Mysterio nicely sells it by dropping himself in the Tree of Woe and Punk kicks him in the head for two.
Punk uses headbutts to the stomach to continue his psychology but Rey comes back and takes Punk to the floor with headscissors. Mysterio follows with a BIG Asai Moonsault that is totally under-sold by the announcers and the crowd barely reacts at all…weird. So Big Show going through a table is the biggest event since WrestleMania but Rey busts out a huge move and the announcers react like it’s a clothesline.
Back inside, Rey gets a headbutt off the top rope and they go into a SWEET reversal sequence, ending with a big kick to Punk’s head and Rey gets two. I think Punk plans this stuff out just to show up WWE, I really do. They head up top and Punk brings him down with super back suplex for an eventual two count (Booker: “Rey gotta kick out here”…no kidding).
Punk hits post on a corner charge and Rey hits a 619, causing Punk to fall to the arena floor. After rolling Punk back in, Rey tries the splash from the top but Punk gets the knees up for two. Punk tries for the GTS but Rey nicely turns it into a hurricanrana for a close two count. Punk launches a kick to the head but Rey kicks out again, sending Punk into a fit. He tries another GTS and it’s countered again into a 619 attempt but, in an awesome spot, Punk catches Mysterio on the finisher attempt and immediately hits the GTS for the win.
Winner: CM Punk
-I tell you what, this was a great match which told a great story and had quite a few false finishes that had me and the crowd fooled. Mysterio provided the high-flying and athleticism while Punk brought the awesome psychology and story-telling. It might not save the show but this was really good ****.
World Heavyweight Title
Randy Orton vs. Christian
If Christian loses again here, I’d say he better get real comfortable in the midcard until he decides to hang it up. Randy hammers away immediately because he’s ANGRY and hits a Thesz Press early. They work a headlock sequence for a bit and Christian takes but misses a dropkick from the second rope. He still manages to dump Orton to the floor and follows with a dropkick through the ropes but goes splat on a plancha attempt. The crowd is TOTALLY dead tonight.
Back in, Orton gets a ten-punch in the corner and clotheslines Christian to the floor as Booker T plays doctor again, this time dealing with Orton’s concussion. Orton tries the hangman’s DDT on the ring steps but Christian sends him face-first into the steps…cruel irony. Back inside, Christian gets a reverse neckbreaker for two but he misses a blind charge and Orton rolls him up for two. Christian recovers and plants him with a spinebuster for a near fall and the announcers are selling this concussion angle hard.
Orton starts selling the concussion hard and gets a high BAAAAAAAAAAAACK body drop (thanks Vince) before hammering away. A series of clotheslines leads to a powerslam (IT’S NOT AN F’N SCOOP SLAM, COLE!) and a belly to belly for two. Hangman’s DDT is countered by a punch to the face and Christian tries to suplex Orton to the floor but Randy stalls and drags Christian to the top for a superplex and a two count.
They have a slugfest and exchange finisher attempts until Orton hits a high-angle neckbreaker for two. Christian bails to avoid the RKO but gets caught with the Hangman’s DDT. Orton looks to finish with the RKO but Christian turns it into a reverse DDT for two. Christian preps the spear and dodges an RKO to hit it but only gets two.
Christian heads to the top but has to abandon the move and drop down, so Orton catches him with RKO and gets the pin for the win even though Christian’s foot was under the bottom rope.
Winner and STILL Champion: Randy Orton
-Of course, Christian is 100% right (probably earning himself a rematch on Smackdown) so Stone Cold Randy Orton knocks him out with the title belt. I think they should have given heel Christian a run but God knows that Orton is drawing 60,000 buys on PPV so we HAVE to keep one of the titles on him. Not as good as their Over the Limit match but still really good.
-They are totally using Shane McMahon’s old theme music for the Money in the Bank promos…very nice.
-I’m not even going to recap the Bellas accompanying a beer spokesman to ringside.
Jack Swagger vs. Evan Bourne
This is a special “bonus attraction” which is carny for “we had time to fill and these guys happened to be here”. How many more times are we going to see this match, by the way?
Swagger overpowers him to start and works a hammerlock but Bourne uses flying headscissors to dodge Jack for a bit until he’s caught with a gutbuster. A front slam gets two for Swagger and he works the midsection area for two. Jack stalls for lack of anything better to do until Bourne stands up so Swagger can get a baaaaaaaack body drop for two.
The crowd starts getting restless as Swagger works him over in the corner and hits a pump slam for two. Swagger boringly works the midsection some more while Booker T proclaims the referee is thinking of stopping this one as well…he’s beyond mocking at this point.
Bourne gets his feet up on another pump splash attempt and a kick to the face gets two. Swagger catches him with a big boot (the move of the night) and gets two off of it. This match is very boring. Bourne finally gets a reaction by busting out a DDT off the top rope (the biggest DDT that Booker T has ever seen in his entire life) and Bourne misses Air Bourne but lands on his feet. They trade some stuff and Swagger tries the ankle lock but Evan rolls him up for the win.
Winner: Evan Bourne
-Didn’t they just use that exact same finish of Raw a few weeks ago? Swagger is so damn boring in the ring, it’s impossible to get into one of his matches *1/2.
-Oh my God, I was hoping they weren’t going to do this: They actually bring out the Fake Obama and have him do an awful comedy routine. Do we really have to waste MORE time on this PPV? People actually are PAYING for this trash…well, maybe not after this. Who booked this crap?
-Alexander Ovechkin sucks…sorry, had to throw that in somewhere.
WWE World Title
John Cena vs. R-Truth
A snowball has a better chance in hell than R-Truth has of winning this title tonight and the crowd knows it. That doesn’t stop them from starting the Let’s Go Cena-Cena Sucks dueling chants immediately. Truth stalls for a bit and then hammers away in the corner but Cena comes back with a bulldog and Truth takes a powder.
When he returns, Truth gets a falcon arrow and chokes away in the corner, which Cena decides to no-sell and fire back. Truth catches him with a leg lariat and a BOOGIE WOOGIE legdrop for two. Moving slowly, Truth hits his corkscrew elbow and a clothesline in the corner for two. After some more stalling, Truth gets another clothesline for a near fall.
They job around some more, boring me to death, until Truth gets a hip lock and leg scissors. Must…not…sleep. Cena tries for the STF but gets put down and a suplex gets another near fall. Another BOOGIE WOOGIE legdrop misses and that finally triggers the SOS Comeback to wake up the crowd.
Cena looks to finish with the AA but Truth gets a stunner to halt everything. Truth stalls some more and charges, running to the STF but making the ropes. Scissors kick hits but it only gets two and the crowd barely even pops for Truth’s finisher. He heads up top and tries a high cross body but Cena rolls though and powers him up for the AA. Truth however, has watched a few PPVs in his day and counters with the Shut Up for two, causing Cena to roll to the outside.
Once outside, Truth finds another plant fan, who throws water in his face and Cena hits the AA for the win. Are you kidding me? He sold an f’n glass of water?
Winner and STILL Champion: John Cena
-Wow, this was bad. Not “messed up every spot” bad but “holy God, this is so boring I might fall asleep” bad. If you would have told me before this even that Truth would have to sell water hitting him in the face and it would cause him to lose the main event of a major PPV, I would have called you a dirty liar. Oh well *1/4.
Well, I thought this was going to bad and, guess what, it was pretty damn bad. The Mysterio-Punk match was really good but wasn’t enough to save this stinker of a show. Bad finishes, boring matches, unfunny comedy sketches…this show had all of that.
Figure out a way to watch Punk-Rey and please, please skip the rest.