-Tonight’s show is rated TV-PG, so I wouldn’t hold out hope for any intentional blood.
-We are LIVE! from New Orleans, LA (home of ugly women and weird men)
Sheamus vs. Christian
This one would seem to be a no-brainer considering how over Sheamus has gotten as the smiling babyface. Miz (with popped collar) and R-Truth have ringside tickets tonight but Johnny Ace has security toss them from the building. I’m sure that’s the last we’ll see of them.
Christian stalls to start but gets caught with a side headlock and is clotheslined down for two. Christian takes a powder and forces Sheamus to chase him but that only angers the Irish guy and Seamus puts him down. To the apron and Sheamus pounds away for two. Christian gets desperate and heads up but Sheamus catches him and delivers a blockbuster slam. Sheamus goes a little goofy and heads to the top rope so Christian takes advantage and sends him flying to the floor.
Christian slugs away back inside and hits his elbow from the second rope. Captain Charisma goes to the sleeper hold but Sheamus falls backwards to break it. Sheamus mistimes an elbow so Christian sticks and moves to get a couple shots in. Christian cuts off a Sheamus comeback attempt with a knee lift and follows with a missile dropkick for a one count.
Sheamus HULKS UP to pound Christian down and mounts his comeback with a powerslam for two. Sheamus looks for a press slam but Christian wriggles out and tries the Kill Switch. Sheamus dodges and hits the Irish Curse backbreaker for another near fall. Razor’s Edge attempt is countered and Sheamus misses a blind charge so Christian hits a tornado DDT for two.
Sheamus comes back with a hard knee lift and skins the cat up to the top rope in a very impressive spot. A shoulder block off the top hits but Christian dodges the Brogue Kick and dumps him. Christian gets caught on a baseball slide attempt and Sheamus swings him to the floor. Christian kicks Sheamus off of him and hits a spear on the floor, looking for the count out.
Sheamus beats the count at 8 and Christian hits another spear for two. Capt. Charisma heads up top and misses a big diving headbutt and they exchange finishers attempts. Christian barely misses a blind charge, hits the post and Sheamus quickly hits him with the Brogue Kick for the win.
-Christian was definitely game tonight and did his best to carry Sheamus to something good and he didn’t do too bad of a job ***. Sheamus certainly should be challenging for the Smackdown World title in the very near future.
Sin Cara (Mistico) vs. Sin Cara (Hunico)
I’ll just refer to each guy as Mistico or Hunico because that’s much easier than explaining which Sin Cara I’m talking about each time. I’m at least glad they had EVIL~! Sin Cara switch his ring gear to an Alternate Universe outfit so I can tell the difference easier. This whole match is going to die a slow death though, I can guarantee it.
Hunico controls early, using a bow and arrow submission, but Mistico flips out and they have a stand-off to zero reaction. Test of strength leads to more lucha spots and tons of flipping until Hunico snaps off a flying head scissors and Mistico does the same. After some stalling, Mistico hits another flying headscissors and puts Hunico on the floor before flying out with a senton dive. Mistico tries an Asai moonsault but it doesn’t even come close to hitting ANYTHING so he splats on the floor like a moron.
Back in, Hunico hits a slingshot senton for two and works a chinlock. Mistico fights out and tries a somersault elbow off the ropes but Hunico grazes him with a dropkick for two. Hunico slugs Mistico to the floor and follows out with a plancha as the crowd remains absolutely silent.
Hunico serves up the chops and hits a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for two. Sloppy sequence leads to both guys bumping heads and the crowd starts to turn on the match. More flying headscissors and flipping puts Hunico on the floor and Cara jumps to the top rope and flies off with a splash to try to wake the crowd up.
Back inside, Mistico hits a superkick but gets caught with a powerbomb for two. Both guys head up top and Mistico brings him down with an armdrag off the top. Senton off the top misses and Hunico tries another powerbomb but Mistico rolls over the top and snaps off a rollup for the pin and victory.
Winner: Sin Cara (Mistico)
-As predicted, the crowd could have given a rat’s ass about this match and they were kind of left out there to die. Hopefully, we move on quickly from this and Hunico’s Sin Cara goes the way of Brian Lee’s Underfaker gimmick. Match had a couple nice spots but was sloppy and had no real flow to it **1/2.
–Meanwhile, CM Punk tells newly minted lawyer David Otunga that he hates him.
WWE Tag Team Titles
Air Boom vs. Jack Swagger & Dolph Ziggler
Cole gets a funny line and says Air Boom is the worst team name since Harlem Heat. Why do I have the feeling this match is just going to be another segment in the Swagger-Ziggler feud that never ends and no one wants to see?
Kofi hits Swagger with a facebuster to start and Bourne hits a dropkick for two. Dolph tries his luck but takes a couple leg kicks and Kofi comes in with Poetry in Motion for two. More unique double teaming follows but Bourne only hits boot on a charge and Swagger checks in and hits a slam for two.
Bourne gets trapped in the heel corner but Dolph misses a splash in the corner and Kofi gets the hot tag. As he goes to mount his big offense, Swagger pulls the middle rope down and Kingston crashes to the floor in a good spot that you don’t see in tag matches all the time. Dropkick from Dolph gets two and the heels isolate Kingston in the corner for some punishment.
We go all old-school as Swagger baits Bourne into the ring and then Ziggler lays in some blows while the referee is occupied with Evan. Elbow to the sternum from Ziggler gets two and Swagger looks for the ankle lock but Kofi kicks out and hits a DDT for a double KO.
Finally, it’s hot tag Evan Bourne to kick some heel ass and he is, indeed, a house of fire. Double knee press from the top nearly kills Dolph but he kicks out at two. Standing moonsault gets two but Swagger returns and locks on the ankle lock. Kingston gets rid of Swagger but Dolph hits Kofi with a Zig Zag to put him out. Bourne gets a visual pinfall while the referee is busy clearing the ring but Ziggler gets out at two and clotheslines Evan down for the double KO.
The heels recover first and try a Superbomb from the top rope but Kofi trips up Dolph and Bourne flips Swagger off the top with a hurricanrana and pins him to keep the titles.
Winners and STILL Champions: Air Boom
-A really good tag match as Air Boom is the right kind of sympathetic babyfaces to work these kind of matches. A good effort from everyone involved ***1/4.
Hell in a Cell Match for the World Heavyweight Title
Mark Henry vs. Randy Orton
Randy Orton comes out last just to annoy me. Orton hammers away to start and we head to ringside where Randy introduces Henry to the cage and clotheslines him down. Orton hits a kneedrop back inside and looks for the hangman’s DDT early but Henry sends him to the corner. Henry wraps Orton’s arm around the ring post as Cole discusses a “well-known” shoulder injury to Orton that I’ve never heard of.
Henry catches Orton coming off the apron and rams him twice into the cage and hard into the ring post in a good spot. Back in, Henry hits a running powerslam as JR is doing a good job putting over Henry’s offense while Booker just shouts “WOW!” every few seconds. Henry is extra pissed off tonight, so he powerslams Orton on the arena floor then steps on him.
Henry grabs the ring steps and tosses them at Orton but thankfully Orton moves out of the way at the last second…pretty impressive strength if they are indeed real. Henry continues his beatdown outside the ring and presses Orton’s face against the cage for a camera close up.
We head back inside and Henry hits the Big Fat Splash for two. Backbreaker puts Orton down and Henry attacks the back for two before we hit the bearhug. Orton tries to fight out but a headbutt sends him all the way to the floor and the crowd is actually hanging with them through this slow beating…that’s a good sign.
Henry looks for the World’s Fattest Slam on the ringsteps but Orton gets creative and climbs the cell to escape. He quickly hits Henry with a DDT on the ringsteps (sounds cooler than it looked) and sends him into a pair of ring posts.
Orton mounts his comeback inside the ring with a Thesz Press and a standing dropkick. Hangman’s DDT hits and the crowd goes nuts as Orton gets the RKO…for two. A really good false finish there. The crowd buzzes as Orton preps the PUNT OF CERTAIN DEATH but Henry pops up and hits him with the World’s Fattest Slam for the win.
Winner and STILL Champion: Mark Henry
-A surprisingly good match as Henry wasn’t ask to sell for a ridiculous amount of time and Orton resorted to his quickness and brain to get offense. Henry might not be the best worker on the card but he’s definitely over as a heel and the booking was solid ***1/4.
Post-match, Henry continues the beatdown and tries to Pillmanize Orton’s ankle but Randy is able to move out of the way. He repays Henry with a chairshot to the back and chases him down the aisle, forcing Henry to “run” away. I smell sequel….
-Hey great, Cody Rhodes is out for an interview on a pay-per-view…I bet people are really happy they paid $50 for this privilege. Rhodes decides that the current Intercontinental title belt is too hideous and ugly for him so he reintroduces the CLASSIC IC BELT! Mark Out City baby. OK sue me, I’m glad he came out for the interview. I thought you weren’t allowed to mention Randy Savage’s name on TV though.
BUT WAIT…Johnny Ace comes out and informs Cody he has a title match right now….
WWE Intercontinental Title
Cody Rhodes vs. John Morrison
Cody is forced to wrestle in a suit so Morrison attacks immediately and gets a quick rollup for two. Rhodes whiffs on a dropkick and Morrison hooks a jackknife cover for two before working a headlock. Cody takes a powder to regroup and Morrison hits him with a dropkick and tosses his dress shirt to the crowd. Rhodes tries to take a walk but Morrison is too good for that and drags him back to ringside.
In an interesting twist, Cody puts a bearhug on the ring post and tells the referee to count him out but Morrison kicks him in the back and tosses Rhodes back inside. Cody gains control with knees and locks on a bad-looking submission hold. Rhodes gets serious and punts Morrison in the balls before looking for the Alabama Slam but Morrison rolls through for two.
Cody goes to the WOOOO figure four and hammers away while Booker and Cole argue until JR diplomatically tells them to shut up. Morrison makes his babyface comeback and hits a flipping STO for two. Cody avoids a running knee but gets hit with a bicycle Pele kick. Morrison gets a little kick-happy and tries a flash kick but Cody ducks out of the way and rolls up Morrison for the win.
Winner and STILL Champion: Cody Rhodes
-Well, you can’t say they aren’t giving Cody Rhodes a shot because they are giving him clean wins. I could have done with an announcement for this match BEFORE the PPV began but that would mean the creative team would have to plan in advance. Match was decent but nothing great **1/2.
-Meanwhile, Johnny Ace runs backstage to tell HHH that Miz and R-Truth have attacked Air Boom backstage. Trips promises Super Dave is in a lot of trouble if this happens again.
Kelly Kelly vs. Beth Phoenix
If they don’t give Beth the win here this will officially qualify for Weirdest Booked Feud of the last 10 years. Does anyone honestly care what’s “trending on Twitter” at any one moment? Didn’t think so.
Kelly attacks and hammers away before hitting a bad-looking clothesline off the top for two. Beth thankfully stops Kelly’s screaming headscissors with a backbreaker and drops an elbow for two. Beth hangs Kelly in the Tree of Woe and delivers a dropkick to the stomach. Beth works a Dragon sleeper give me more time to Google stuff and then drives an elbow into Kelly’s lower back.
Another backbreaker hits and Beth turns it into a submission. Eve tries to get the fans to clap and cheer Kelly to victory but they completely ignore her in a funny moment. Kelly tries a surprise rollup but gets put down and a slingshot suplex gets two. Powerbomb attempt is countered into an ugly hurricanrana for two so Beth punts her in the stomach while the crowd boos out of boredom.
Beth misses a charge against the ropes and Kelly hits a neckbreaker to trigger her comeback. They do a quick pinfall reversal sequence and fight over a backslide but Beth drives her into the corner. Kelly “drives” Beth’s head to the corner in an embarrassingly bad spot and hits a handspring elbow in the corner. Kelly hits a bulldog from the top rope but it only gets two.
Natalya gets involved and tosses Eve into the security wall and Beth counters the Rocker Dropper by punting Kelly in the vagina (not kidding). Beth locks on the same bow and arrow submission that Natalya used last week on Raw as Natalya taunts her on the microphone. Kelly fights to the ropes but Natalya gingerly hits her with the microphone and the Glam Slam gets the win.
Winner and NEW Champion: Beth Phoenix
-I really hope that you didn’t think of real wrestling maneuvers when I was describing Kelly’s offense, it basically looked like an untrained model pretending to wrestle…hey, that’s actually not that far off. The match was heatless, sloppy and boring but at least the title is off of Kelly Kelly. I’m glad they booked the finish to protect Kelly though, we wouldn’t want to hurt her drawing power on the house show circuit.
WWE World Title
John Cena vs. CM Punk vs. Alberto Del Rio
It’s only 10:00, so I’d better get a beverage refill for this one. Del Rio runs away from the two faces but eventually gets caught and beat down in the corner. Punk rolls Cena up from behind to establish the “every man for himself” theme for the rest of the bout. Cena and Punk wrestle to a stalemate and Del Rio tries a cheapshot but almost crashes into the cage. Cena lifts him with for the AA on the outside but Punk comes flying over the top, sending both guys into the cell.
Inside, Punk hits a neckbreaker on Del Rio for two while the crowd does their dueling chant deal. Punk goes searching for some plunder and finds a chair but Cena cuts him off before he can do any damage. Del Rio sends Punk into the cage from behind and fights with Cena over the chair. Del Rio gets the better of it with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for two. Cena recovers quickly and mounts his SOS Comeback but Punk returns to stop their mini-match with a KO Kick to Del Rio’s head. In a very cool spot, Punk hooks both guys and delivers a neckbreaker to Cena at the same time he DDTs Del Rio. Somewhere, Nova is sitting in a basement cursing at his television.
Punk goes under the ring again and emerges with a table, earning praise from the over-20 crowd. Cena rolls out to the apron with Punk and CM Punk hits him with a running knee but Cena shoves him off hard and Punk hits the cell. Del Rio surprises Cena with a chair shot then sets the chair up and suplexes Cena on top of it…ouch. Del Rio hangs Cena in the Tree of Woe and chokes away but makes the mistake of charging and Cena pulls himself out of the way and Del Rio hits the ring post.
Cena looks for his legdrop from the top rope but Punk quickly returns to shake Cena off the top and get two on Del Rio. Alberto recovers and cuts off Punk with a clothesline then works a chinlock to give everyone involved a little break. Cena returns without Del Rio noticing and comes off the top with his legdrop on Del Rio for two. Cena looks for the Attitude Adjustment on Del Rio but Alberto turns it into a Back Stabber and Punk gets rid of him. Cena and Punk collide heads and we have a triple KO.
Cena and Punk have a slugfest in the middle of the ring and Punk looks for the GTS but Del Rio brings the chair back into play and lays everyone out. Del Rio drags Punk on top Cena (isn’t that a pin technically?) and comes off the top with a senton for two. Del Rio looks for the cross armbreaker but Punk dumps him over the top and he lands on the ring steps to put him down.
Cena pops up and hits the Attitude Adjustment on CM Punk for two, saved by Del Rio. Alberto puts Cena down with the enzuigiri for two and tries for the cross armbreaker. Punk saves him with a slingshot splash and dumps Del Rio before hitting Go To Sleep on Cena for two again saved by Del Rio.
Del Rio dumps Punk to the outside and beats on him against the ring steps but gets surprised by a rollup when he returns to the ring to face Cena. Del Rio kicks out at two and now he’s really pissed so he runs Cena into two different sides of the cell for some punishment.
Punk recovers and meets Del Rio in the ring with bodyslams. Punk heads up top and delivers the MACHO MAN ELBOW for two before Cena returns and launches into his same old same old comeback. Punk manages to cut off the Five Knuckle Shuffle with a well-placed kick and looks for another Savage elbow but Del Rio sends him off the top and through the table that was previously set up.
Del Rio charges Cena but gets caught in the STF in the middle of the ring. Ricardo Rodriguez gets desperate and knocks out the referee on the outside, opening the cell and bringing in a steel pipe. Cena cuts him off and delivers a nasty looking Attitude Adjustment on the outside to Ricardo. Del Rio KOs Cena with the pipe and tosses Cena out of the cell and LOCKS HIM OUT. That’s just pure genius right there.
Del Rio hits Punk with a german suplex for two then tries another one but Punk switches behind him and rolls Alberto up for two. Punk heads up top but Del Rio runs up the ropes and hits a hard enzuigiri to the back of the head for two. Cena slowly comes to on the outside of the cell while Del Rio preps for the cross armbreaker inside the ring.
Punk realizes what’s going on and launches his comeback, throwing kicks to the leg and hitting a leg lariat while Cena finally realizes he can’t get back into the ring. Punk hits a bulldog while Cena searches Ricardo for the key but Del Rio actually threw it under the ring after locking him out.
Punk hits a flying clothesline from the top for two and Del Rio hits the floor to grab the lead pipe again. He cracks Punk in the skull with the pipe and taunts Cena in an awesome bit of heel-dom but takes too long getting into the ring. Punk lifts him up for the GTS but a final pipe shot to Punk’s head is enough to put him down for the pin and world championship.
Winner and NEW Champion: Alberto Del Rio
–Post-match, Cena immediately tries to attack Del Rio when the cell lifts but Miz and R-Truth run in and absolutely destroy everyone including the referee. Triple H and the entire locker room clears out for the save but someone (BOSSMAN!?!?) lowers the cell and no one can get in.
They continue their assault and even lay out the camera men as the police arrive the cut the lock open. Finally, the cell is open so Truth and Miz instantly surrender peacefully which REALLY pisses the crowd off.
The cops escort Awesome Truth out of the ring but Triple H comes FLYING into the picture and beats the hell out of both guys. He KOs Laurinaitis in the brawl and keeps throwing punches until he’s eventually pulled off and we fade to black…
Well, they saved the best for last as they had a great main event match and really booked themselves a nice angle at the end too. We have a new World’s Champion in Del Rio (hopefully for longer than 2 weeks this time) and Miz/Truth are being positioned as huge heel opponents for Triple H. While the show was drastically underpromoted since they were only given two weeks, the main event was really good and I liked the Henry-Orton stuff. Of course, I don’t know if it was worth $50 since it seemed to mainly serve as a buildup to Vengeance instead of being its own standalone PPV.
Catch the main event and the angle that follows if you can but the rest is nothing special.