Report by: Richard Trionfo of PWInsider.com
We are live from Cleveland Ohio, and your announcers are Michael ‘Why did they ask me to wear a Lebron James jersey tonight’ Cole and Jerry ‘The Heart of Rock and Roll needs a transplant’ Lawler.
Jerry is in the ring and he says that tonight is the first rock and rap concert on Raw. There have been some heated arguments between Cena and Dwayne. Each will have the opportunity to express themselves in their own words in their own way.
The first WWE Idol contestant is John Cena and he is going old school with the Mark Price jersey. Cena says that Rock wanted him to write his song tonight, but he would not be his mouthpiece. He says that Rock is like Lebron. He took his talents to South Beach. For the past few weeks, Rock has been legit pissed. He tells Rock that if he sings his song tonight, it is all in his wrist. He wants a week where Rock does not choke. He says that he might be GI Joe this summer, but he is a GI Joke. Rock has been begging him to back off. If Rock and Dwayne are the same person, they are both jackoffs.
After April 1st, he won’t be making any more movies. He will need surgery on his face, just like he had it on his boobies. Those popping pecs have had more work on them than a locker room of Divas. He has a gift for Rock. He is going to give him a Cleveland Steamer.
Team Bring It is Team Lost It. Last week, they weren’t chanting Rock, they were chanting Tooth Fairy. Keep making fun of him. He is not even close to sick of it. He is Mr. Kung Pao Chicken, while Rock is Miami Fried Chicken S***. He does not have balls, he has something in his place. He is going to beat Rock at Wrestlemania and put his nuts in Rock’s face.
We are interrupted by Vickie Guerrero and she says that Daylight Savings should be illegal. The whole world would be deprived of one hour of the presence of this man.
Dolph Ziggler with Vickie Guerrero vs. Sheamus
Ziggler avoids Sheamus and he showboats in the ring. Ziggler with a forearm to the back of the head and then Sheamus with a kick and side head lock take down for a near fall. Sheamus holds on to the side head lock and he connects with a shoulder tackle. Sheamus with a side head lock takedown. Sheamus with a near fall. Ziggler with a kick and punches.
Sheamus with an elbow and Ziggler goes to the apron. Sheamus tries for the forearms across the chest but Ziggler goes to the floor.
We go to commercial.
We are back and Sheamus with a clothesline and he stands over Ziggler. Sheamus with an arm bar. Ziggler with punches as he puts Sheamus against the ropes. Sheamus with a shoulder and he hip tosses Ziggler over the top rope to the floor. Sheamus goes to the floor and Vickie distracts Sheamus long enough to allow Ziggler to hit a drop kick to the back of the head.
Ziggler sends Sheamus into the announce table and the referee checks on both men. Sheamus struggles to get back into the ring, but he does. Ziggler with punches and kicks and he gets a near fall. Ziggler with a neck breaker for a near fall. Ziggler with a reverse chin lock and body scissors.
We see Daniel Bryan and AJ Lee in a sky box with Josh Mathews and we go to an interview during the match. Josh asks Bryan about what he said to AJ last week. Daniel asks AJ if he was rude to her last week and she says no. Daniel says that AJ loves him and the feeling is mutual.
We finally return to the match and Ziggler holds on to a reverse chin lock but Sheamus with a back drop to Ziggler and both are down. Sheamus with running double sledges to Ziggler followed by a clothesline in the corner and a power slam for a near fall. Sheamus signals for the Celtic Cross but Ziggler gets to his feet. Sheamus tosses Ziggler into the air and gets a near fall.
Ziggler goes up top and he is caught by Sheamus and Sheamus tries for a uranage back breaker but Ziggler with a crucifix for a near fall. Sheamus holds on and then he gets a near fall.
Sheamus with an Irish whip but Ziggler moves and Sheamus goes shoulder first into the post. Ziggler with a Fameasser for a near fall. Sheamus with a Brogue Kick for the three count.
After the match, we see the reaction from Daniel Bryan and AJ.
We see the announcement of the twelve man tag match to determine who will be in charge of Monday and Friday television.
We go to commercial.
We are back with the WWE Rewind: Last week’s match between Teddy Long and John Laurinaitis.
John Laurinaitis makes his way to the ring. Before our next match, John announces that the mixed tag match will not happen. It will be a handicap match. Otunga’s partner is Mark Henry.
Santino Marella vs. David Otunga and Mark Henry
Otunga and Henry argue and Teddy Long makes his way to the ring as we don’t care about wrestling do we?
Otunga sends Santino into the turnbuckles while we see Teddy and John argue. I guess Otunga hits a clothesline in the corner. Teddy touches John and John falls down.
Santino with punches and a forearm followed by a split and hip toss. Santino gets out his sock but Henry made the blind tag and Henry hits Santino and hits the World’s Strongest Slam for the three count.
Winners: David Otunga and Mark Henry
After the match, Henry holds Santino for Otunga. Otunga uses big words that probably confuse Santino. Kofi Kingston comes to the ring and he goes after Henry. Henry with a head butt and then he hits the World’s Strongest Slam. R Truth comes to the ring and Otunga hits Truth and then Henry with a head butt and Henry sends Truth into the World’s Most Dangerous Spinebuster. Henry with a splash to Truth.
John comes into the ring and he introduces the newest member of Team Laurinaitis. It is Mark Henry.
We go behind the scenes of Psych since Miz is on the show this week.
Cole and Lawler discuss John Cena’s rap at the start of the show.
We go to commercial.
We are back and it is time to look at the Wrestlemania sign. We go to comments that Maria Menunous got from some of the Divas.
Zack stops Eve in the back and he says that he felt something he never felt before when they kissed. Zack says that it is like Eve is trying to play him. Eve says that she is not playing him. Zack is playing himself. Eve tells Zack that they should be friends . . . with benefits. Eve asks Zack to go to dinner.
Beth storms into the hall and she complains about what the Divas were saying and she is going to confront her. Beth says that she is impressed with the way that Eve manipulates Zack. Beth asks to use Zack but Eve refuses.
John is on the phone and the Miz comes up behind him and John refuses to get off the phone. Miz says that since he won at Wrestlemania 27, he wants to know when John will make him a part of his team. John says that he was talking to one of the board members. Miz introduces James Roday and James is paying tribute to Back to the Future. Miz says that James wants to know why Miz is not in a match at Wrestlemania.
John tells Miz that if he wins his match, he is on the team.
John wants James to be the guest ring announcer for a match. James says that he is going to Fink it Up.
Miz asks who his opponent is and John says that he will be facing CM Punk.
We go to commercial.
Jinder Mahal with turban humidor vs. Brodus Clay with the Funkettes
Mahal hits Clay from behind before the bell rings. Clay with a head butt followed by a Sheeee-bone suplex and a splash for the three count.
Winner: Brodus Clay
Shawn Michaels is walking in the back and is he looking over his shoulder as he prepares to confront the Undertaker?
We go to commercial.
We are back and MGK and his many tattoos are in the crowd.
From MGK, it is time for HBK and Shawn Michaels makes his way to the ring.
Shawn says in three weeks, Triple H and the Undertaker will be locked inside Hell in a Cell at Wrestlemania and it will truly be the end of an era. Shawn reminds us that he told his good buddy last week that he was named the guest referee. Shawn says that it appeared that it was information that Hunter wasn’t aware of.
We see footage of something that Shawn wasn’t aware of last week. It is Hunter talking about how Shawn is a loser.
Shawn says that the last couple of weeks, he has been walking around the locker room and no one has walked up to him and called him a loser or a failure. No one has implied that he couldn’t get the job done. There was one person who has been absent the last couple weeks, but thankfully he is here tonight. He wants the Undertaker to come out to settle this.
Shawn says that after being through this for twenty plus years in the locker room, they always had the utmost respect for each other even if they weren’t on the same side of the locker room. They did something that will stand the test of time and people will remember it.
Shawn wants to know why Taker would say those things behind his back. He tells Taker that he thought he would have the guts to say it to his face.
Taker asks Shawn what he wants him to say. Does he want him to say that Shawn is a failure, a loser, or that he couldn’t get the job done? Taker tells Shawn that he needs to stop and think if he is repeating Taker’s words or is Shawn repeating the words chosen for him by his good friend Triple H?
Whatever the case may be, Shawn needs to let all of his insecurities.
Shawn interrupts and he reminds Taker that he almost begged for the match. At 19-0, he still has something to prove. Hunter beat him within an inch of Taker’s life last year.
Taker tells Shawn that he should know that whatever happens at Wrestlemania, win or lose, he is prepared to accept the outcome. Taker says that he will not accept Shawn putting his ego into this. Their two matches with Shawn Michaels and the match last year against Triple H were destiny. On April 21st(sic), that destiny will happen. It will be the end of an era. What can’t happen is for the outcome, win or lose to not be pure. If the outcome isn’t pure, Taker promises that there will be hell to pay.
Shawn tells Taker that he calls all of this destiny, but he calls it irony. Isn’t it ironic that the guy whose career that Taker ended could be the man who counts Taker’s shoulders to the mat. Isn’t it ironic that he could turn Taker into a loser, a failure, or a guy who couldn’t get the job done. Isn’t it ironic that he could end the streak?
Taker says that he will win in the Cell, the streak will continue, and an era will end. If Shawn does not do the right thing, he will end him.
Shawn leaves the ring and Triple H makes his way to the stage while Shawn walks to the back.
Time for some silent staring and then Hunter with a corporate crotch chop.
We go to commercial.
We are back with the Slam of the Week: Footage from the tag match involving the participants in the main title matches from last week when Jericho pinned CM Punk.
It is time for guest ring announcer James Roday.
Chris Jericho is watching on the Son Of Jeritron 5000 monitor in the back.
Miz vs. CM Punk in a If Miz wins, he is on Team Laurinaitis, but we are in his home town so figure out the result Match
They lock up and Miz with a rollup for a near fall. Punk with kicks to the leg followed by a back heel kick. Miz with a knee to the midsection and we go to commercial.
We are back and Miz with an abdominal stretch on Punk. Punk with an arm drag to escape. Punk with a kick from the apron and then he sets for the springboard clothesline and he hits it. Punk with a clothesline followed by a swinging neck breaker. Punk with a running knee into the corner followed by a bulldog. Punk gets Miz up for the Go To Sleep but Miz with elbows.
Punk with a leg lariat for a near fall. Miz with a hot shot into the turnbuckle followed by a kick and a DDT for a near fall. Miz punches Punk and the referee warns him. Miz goes up top but Punk moves. Punk gets Miz up but Miz escapes and he tries for the Skull Crushing Finale but Punk rolls through and applies the Anaconda Vice and Miz taps out.
Winner: CM Punk
We hear Chris Jericho applaud Punk’s win from the TitanTron. Jericho says that he can see straight through Punk. He calls Punk a fraud. He found out a deep, dirty secret about Punk. Punk has been straight edge since joining the WWE but Punk never told us why. He says that it is because Punk’s father is an alcoholic who let Punk down every step of the way growing up. Jericho says that it is inevitable that Punk will end up like his father. Jericho says that he found something that Punk cares about and something that terrifies him. Jericho says that he almost feels bad for Punk. Is that why he has all of the tattoos? Was it to take the pain of drinking?
Jericho says that Punk is going to drink and Jericho says that he will be the one to make him drink. He says that Punk will hit bottom and then he will take a drink. It will taste so good that he will want to take another one.
Jericho says that he will be the Undisputed Best in the World and the WWE Champion while Punk will be known as a pathetic drunk.
Punk does the walk of shame up the ramp as we go to commercial.
We are back with a David Otuna lawyer advertisement.
In case you forgot about Kane and Randy Orton, we have a video recap.
Jack Swagger with Vickie Guerrero vs. Randy Orton
Swagger with a waist lock take down into an arm bar followed by a fireman’s carry. Orton with a kick to Swagger and then he hits a standing drop kick. Orton sends Swagger over the top rope to the floor and then Orton with an Irish whip into the steps.
Orton sends Swagger’s head into the announce table a few times. Orton sends Swagger back into the ring and then he looks around before we go to commercial.
We are back and Swagger with a top wrist lock but Orton with punches. Orton with an Irish whip and he runs into an elbow and then Swagger with a dive into the knee and he gets a near fall. Swagger works on the injured knee and then he applies a step over toe hold. Orton punches Swagger to get out of the hold.
Swagger with a slam and then he backs up for the running double jump Swagger Bomb but Orton rolls out of the way. Swagger with the ankle lock but Orton kicks Swagger away. Swagger charges into the corner but Orton sends him to the apron and then he drops Swagger on the top rope. They go up top for the superplex and Orton hits it.
Orton has a blank look on his face and he connects with two clotheslines and ducks one from Swagger and hits a power slam. Orton hits the IEDDT on Swagger and then he twists into the push ups for the RKO. Orton hits the RKO for the three count.
Winner: Randy Orton
The pyro goes off and Orton looks for Kane. Orton looks around the arena.
We go back to some of Cena’s rap from earlier.
We go to commercial.
We are back and after two weeks of Shawn Michaels with Triple H or Undertaker separately, we will get all three men in the ring next week. Also, John Cena will wrestle Mark Henry.
Dwayne makes his way to the ring and he has his guitar.
Dwayne tells everyone that they just broke a record. It is the largest sellout crowd in Cleveland. He says that he appreciates people chanting Rocky, but they should be chanting Cleveland. Dwayne talks about sell outs and he mentions Marky Mark. He talks about the chain, the lock, and his hat. He says that was funny. That wasn’t John Cena. The John Cena we have known for the last 8 years is what would happen if Vanilla Ice banged a Teletubby.
We have a graphic of what Dwayne just said and then he explains it.
Tonight isn’t about a two minute rap. It is about something special. Dwayne takes a seat and he gets ready to sing.
Warden threw a party and he spent some bucks. Didn’t invite Cena cause he totally sucks. Cena started rapping, it all went south. Know your role Jabroni and shut your mouth. Let’s rock. Everybody let’s rock. Cena’s got a menstrual clock, but we’re dancing because Cleveland Rocks.
Little Fruity Pebble from Newberry, Mass. Rock’ll take his boot and shove it up his ass. Betcha you’re all happy you’re listening to me, not some goofy Eminem wannabe. Let’s rock. Everybody let’s rock. Ain’t no balls down in Cena’s jock, but we’re dancing because Cleveland Rocks.
Dwayne takes some water and then he asks if people want to hear a true story. He got it from John Cena’s doctor.
Little Johnny Cena went to the doc. Rock punched his jaw and the pain wouldn’t stop. The doc said Cena . . . I’m a fan, but stop begging for that rectal exam. Let’s rock. Everybody let’s rock. Cena close up that smock, but we’re dancing because Cleveland Rocks.
Dwayne has a story about John and Eve.
Rock saw cena making out with Eve. Grabbing on her thigh, tugging on her weave. Cena didn’t tell her that he’s got a wife. Let’s rock. Everybody let’s rock. Divorce lawyer’s right up the block, but we’re dancing because Cleveland Rocks.
Dwayne has another true story.
April 23rd, 1977. The doctor shouted send that baby back to heaven. Sorry Mama Cena, but check these charts. Little baby Johnny’s got lady parts. Let’s rock. Everybody let’s rock. Little Johnny’s got those lady parts, but we’re dancing because Cleveland Rocks.
Dwayne thanks everyone and he says that they are going to have fun. Dwayne asks if there are any grown men tonight who are John Cena fans.
Dwayne says that he sees a few. Time for a song.
Doesn’t really matter how hard you try. Never in your life will you ever taste pie. I know you love Chewbacca and Frodo too, but you’re a walking virgin and you’re 42. Let’s rock. Everybody let’s rock. You dress like Kirk and Spock, but we’re dancing because Cleveland Rocks.
Dwayne wants to know where the ladies are tonight and he has a special song for a special lady.
Rock’s getting some wine and a dozen roses. She’s going to meet his Holy Moses. Getting with the Rock is the bomb. You don’t believe me, ask Cena’s mom. Let’s rock. Everybody let’s rock. Cena’s mom can barely walk, but we’re dancing because Cleveland Rocks.
Dwayne says that there is only one way to end this night and the Rock concert. There is only one song and it is for the people. It is for Team Bring It and the people.
Time for a lot of catchphrases from Dwayne.
Dwayne tries to sing We Will Rock You with his own twist and he almost gets a few of the lyrics right.
We go to credits.