-We are LIVE! from Long Island, NY (home of a really crappy hockey team).
-The Miz kicks us off and he wastes no time dropping an Anthony Weiner reference or making fun of the audience for their stupid “What?” chants (my hero). He calls out YOUR special guest GM Steve Austin and the crowd is just a little excited to see him. He verbally buries Miz and puts over Alex Riley before booking both of them on Piper’s Pit later tonight.
BUT WAIT, Alberto Del Rio decides to make his presence felt and gets in Stone Cold’s face. Austin wastes no time in booking him against Kane, right after a word from our sponsor
Alberto Del Rio vs. Kane
Kane hammers away and adds a dropkick to the face for two while Lawler pisses himself in excitement over Steve Austin. Del Rio turns the tide and works the arm but Kane dumps him to the outside to buy some time. Alberto makes the mistake of running back into the ring and gets his ass kicked in short order and takes a side slam for two. Kane misses his clothesline off the top and Del Rio goes for the cross armbreaker but Kane fights to the ropes. Like a good heel, he refuses to release the submission hold on the five count and the referee calls for the bell.
Winner by DQ: Kane
-Del Rio tries to break Kane’s arm so Big Show “sprints” down for some revenge but Ricardo sacrifices himself for the boss. Austin books Del Rio vs. Big Show for Capitol Punishment while Ricardo sells the beating. More of an angle than a match, so call the whole thing *1/2.
Wade Barrett, Ted DiBiase & Cody Rhodes vs. Sin Cara, Daniel Bryan & Ezekiel Jackson
But what about the Priceless reunion? Sin Cara starts with a springboard elbow against Rhodes and brings in Bryan, who immediately plays Ricky Morton by getting trapped in the heel corner. DiBiase gets a dropkick for two and Barrett adds a whip to the corner for another near fall. I’ve thought about it for a long time (about six seconds) and I’ve decided I really hate this stupid yellow lighting.
Barrett hits a pump handle slam for two but jaw jacks with the faces, allowing Bryan to recover and get the hot tag to Jackson (to zero reaction). Repeated body slams show that Jackson participated in the first day of wrestling school and he takes out both DiBiase and Rhodes. Cara tags in and a springboard cross-body gets the three count and the win.
Winners: Sin Cara, Daniel Bryan & Sin Cara
-This was basically Bryan gets beat up, Jackson does five body slams, Cara gets the pin. Far too short to be worth anything, so whatever *3/4.
-Because God hates me, Hornswoggle is here and shooting t-shirts to the great unwashed. Thankfully, R-Truth comes out to let us all know that he’s a good R-Truth. That little, backstabbing, cheap shotting midget shoots Truth in the gut with the t-shirt gun, earning himself a well-deserved ass kicking. I mean, come on, he shot a guy with a t-shirt gun and we’re supposed to feel bad that he gets kicked in the head? Serves the little moron right.
-Steve Austin apparently does not find midget beating as funny as I do, so he books Truth against John Morrison tonight.
Sheamus vs. Santino Marella
The Irishman destroys Santino right away while Lawler explains who each guy is “in case new viewers aren’t familiar with them”. Are you kidding me? Has WWE had a new viewer in the last three years? Sheamus runs him into the corner and Santino…HULKS UP? Is this 1985? Sheamus looks for the Razor’s Edge but Santino squirms out of it and hits the Cobra for two (thank God). A pump kick kills Santino dead and Sheamus locks on the Irish (Texas) Cloverleaf for the win.
–Thank God Sheamus didn’t job to that joke of a move, he would have had to retire. Nothing much to see here *.
-Randy Orton hits the ring and calls out newly-turned Christian for some pain. Christian, being the smart guy that he is, hides behind security and waits for Sunday. The Anonymous Raw GM chimes in and orders Orton to leave the arena due to a concussion from the belt shot on Smackdown. Doesn’t that totally undermine the whole “Steve Austin is the guest GM” thing? Speaking of Austin, he appears and books Christian against Rey Mysterio after totally having his legs cut from under him.
Christian vs. Rey Mysterio
Christian takes control early, chopping away in the corner but Rey gets flying headscissors and tries for a 619, which is cut off by a clothesline for two. Christian works a headlock so Rey fights out and tries a springboard but Captain Charisma shoves him to the floor and we take a break.
We return with Christian choking out Rey in the corner and the referee…rings the bell? What the hell? I sat through a commercial break for that junk?
Winner by DQ: Rey Mysterio
–DUD DUD DUD, absolutely terrible booking. At least let the guys put on a good match before the BS ending.
-Post-match, Christian and Mysterio brawl but the New Nexus run-in and lay in a beatdown. Christian adds a Killswitch because he’s EVIL!
-Meanwhile, Austin books Dolph Ziggler against Kofi for the US title this Sunday on the condition that he drop Vickie Guerrero as his manager. He drops her like a bad habit, of course. However, it’s a SWERVE as Steve was just having a little fun. Oh, that Austin.
R-Truth vs. John Morrison
The pop for Morrison’s return earlier tonight was rather lukewarm, which is not a good sign for him. The match never happens as Morrison doesn’t appear during his entrance and Truth goes looking for him backstage.
-Truth heads backstage and finds Morrison laid out backstage, clutching his neck. Of course, Truth is the one who attacked him and he adds some more punishment to really get the crowd nice and feisty. Truth is such a great heel promo guy, it’s a shame they wasted him as midcard fodder for so long.
Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger vs. Evan Bourne & Kofi Kingston
Kofi and Dolph do a quick opening sequence but a Swagger cheapshot turns the tide in favor of the heels. Swagger hits a slam for two but Kofi gets his feet up on a pump slam attempt and Evan Bourne cleans house off the tag. Bourne rolls up Swagger for two but Jack quickly locks on the ankle lock. A big brawl breaks out and Kofi hits Trouble in Paradise behind the referee’s back so Bourne adds Air Bourne for the win.
Winners: Evan Bourne & Kofi Kingston
-Yeah, it’s a three hour show, so let’s give four above average workers 2 minutes for a tag match. Absolutely nothing to see here *1/4.
-Roddy Piper hits the ring and commemorates WrestleMania II being held in Long Island all those many years ago. Hot Rod still can’t get over Mr. T being a pain in the ass either. The Miz hits the ring and DARES to put down They Live, one of the best cult movies of all-time. Dem’s fighin’ words, Miz.
Riley hits the ring and makes token threats while Piper works in his catchphrases. Miz puts up $1000 to say Piper couldn’t beat him in the ring right now. Hot Rod thinks about it for a second and, in his own way, says he’ll do it for $5000. Austin decides it’s a great idea and makes Alex Riley the special guest refere.
Roddy Piper vs. The Miz
Piper slugs away and locks on the sleeper right away but Miz drives him into the corner and hammers away. Miz takes offense to Riley’s aggressive refereeing and a brawl breaks out so Piper quickly rolls up the Miz from behind and Riley fast counts him.
Winner: Roddy Piper
-Obviously a DUD, at least they kept it short.
-We get a segment pimping the Divas appearing on the Price is Right. Do the Bellas realize that the bright red lipstick makes them look like clowns? Probably not.
7 vs. 7 Tag Match
Melina, Maryse, Tamina, Rosa, Alicia Fox & the Bellas vs. Eve, Kelly Kelly, Beth Phoenix, Gail Kim, Natalya, Kaitlyn
What would a Mike Shannon review be without a Kelly Kelly picture? Kelly spanks Rosa to start and adds a Stink Face before hitting a bulldog for two. All hell breaks loose, allowing Kelly to hit the Rocker Dropper on Rosa for the win.
Winners: Face Divas
-You expected Savage-Steamboat here? DUD, of course.
-Meanwhile, CM Punk punks out (see what I did there?) Andy from Tough Enough and cuts a promo on Austin.
-Austin hits the ring to announce that next week’s Raw is yet another three hour show and will be decided by the people. The Anonymous GM’s email chime keeps interrupting Stone Cold, so he chases Cole into the crowd and dumps beer on the laptop.
-Yet another unfunny fake press conference about Capitol Punishment.
CM Punk vs. John Cena
Unfortunately, Michael Cole has returned to be your fearless announcer for the main event. Slow start, as the usual hot Long Island crowd provides a great atmosphere as Punk works a headlock. They exchange finishing move attempts early but reach a stalemate so Punk drops Cena over the top rope and stomps him to the floor. The crowd is still rocking as we take a commercial break.
We return with Punk working an old school abdominal stretch and he dumps Cena to the floor. Punk follows with a plancha/pescado and then hits a cross body from the top rope, getting two back inside. Punk works a body vise, giving the crowd a chance to pump themselves up again. Cena breaks and immediately locks on the STF but Punk is in the ropes, allowing him to break and hit a dropkick for two.
Whip to the corner gets two for Punk as he continues to try and get as many near falls as possible. To the corner, Punk hits the knee lift but Cena tosses Punk on the bulldog attempt for a double KO spot. Punk dodges the SOS Comeback attempt, earning props from the over-12 crowd, and we tease a count out finish. Ain’t gonna happen.
Punk gets desperate and goes to the springboard but Cena ducks out of the way and launches into the SOS Comeback for real this time. BUT WAIT, R-Truth is here and he’s packing a mic. He steals a little kid’s hat, which is downright supervillain-like, and that’s enough of a distraction for Punk to hit the GTS and pick up the win.
Winner: CM Punk
-Yet another weird finish in a night of them but at least the crowd was hot throughout, which helped it a decent bit **3/4
-Post-match, Truth smacks Cena with a water bottle while the crowd chants “little Jimmy” in a funny moment. Truth poses with the belt to close out the show. That must have been one hell of a hard water bottle.
It’s always weird with these three hour shows because they have more time to feel but it always seems like they rush through all the undercard matches. It was a decent main event but, unless you wanted to see Roddy Piper wrestle for two minutes and Austin mocking people, you didn’t miss anything.