Raw Review – March 14, 2011
-How much of a joke is Jeff Hardy right now? I mean, seriously, how can TNA even justify ending their PPV like that? Vince McMahon would NEVER have allowed that to proceed on PPV. Sub him out, do an injury angle, change the match, WHATEVER. Dixie Carter has no clue what she’s doing.
-The Rock brings it (via satellite), talking to the president and meeting a 9 year old John Cena, complete with entrance music. After some mocking by the Rock, Kiddie Cena admits he sucks and we get another Fruity Pebbles joke (getting old).
In an odd moment, Rock turns his attention to the Miz and gets (seriously) DRAMATIC MUSIC while delivering his promo. Very odd and kind of distracting.
-Speaking of distracting, Trish Stratus is here but…..shudder….so is Snooki. Let’s just move on.
-LIVE! from St. Louis, MO (home of Clark Griswold’s tires)
-Michael Cole has a “Cole Mine” (a Pope Mobile-like glass enclosure) to ensure his protection tonight….alrighty then.
-Miz hits the ring to verbally attack the Rock and get WAY too close to the camera. Sometimes, HD is not your friend…I’ve seen far too many acne scars and unpopped whiteheads in recent weeks. Anyways, the Mystery GM chimes in and books John Cena vs. Alberto Del Rio and The Miz vs. The Great Khali….truly a main event in any arena in the country.
The Miz vs. The Great Khali
This is hyped as “never before seen!”…can’t it stay that way? Khali chops away and tries to crush Miz’s head but Alex Riley attacks out of the crowd for the bell. Good God.
Winner by DQ: Great Khali
-DUD for the match and -*** for WWE ignoring yet another stipulation and bringing Riley back…beyond stupid. Miz destroys Khali with a chair which would mean a lot more if Khali had any heat at all.
-HHH hype video…I guess an appearance from the boss’s son-in-law is too much to ask.
-Meanwhile, John Morrison flirts with Snooki and she slaps Vickie Guerrero.
United States Title
Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus
If Sheamus loses, he “quits” Raw. Basic sequence to start as the announcers put over the “curse” of the King of the Ring. Right, HHH, Steve Austin, Bret Hart, and Edge all had AWFUL careers after winning the tournament. Anyways, Bryan hits a dive on the floor and comes back in with a missile dropkick for two before we go to break.
We return with Sheamus in control following a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker and he hammers away a la Greg Valentine. Bryan comes back with surprise rollup and dumps Sheamus to the floor, where he hurts his ankle again. Of course, he was just RIBBING and tries the pump kick once he gets back in the ring but Bryan ducks and applies the LaBell Lock. Sheamus manages to fight to the ropes and tries for the Razor’s Edge but another nice counter from Bryan leads to a rollup for two.
Bryan surprisingly wins a slugfest and kicks the hell out of Sheamus. Bryan gets too cocky though and heads up top but Sheamus catches him coming down with a pump kick for the win and title.
Winner and NEW Champion: Sheamus
-OK, I’m going to ignore two things: One, that Sheamus hasn’t won a match in months but still got a title shot and two, that Bryan didn’t look like he was trying ANYTHING when he jumped off the turnbuckle. Minor points, but hey, that’s my job. Bryan carried him to a really good TV match so that gets **3/4. God knows what happens to the American Dragon from here though.
-Recap of Austin’s return last week.
-So Michael Cole announces he is going to introduce someone who will ruin Jerry Lawler and that person is….Grand Master Sexay Brian Christopher. Who the hell told him the bleached blonde hair was a good look? He looks like David Flair if David fell down some stairs face-first. He gets zero pop in case you were wondering….2000 was a LOOOOOONG time ago.
So Christopher goes with the whole “Daddy never loved me” routine and rubs it in Lawler’s face that he competed at WrestleMania while the King never did. This drags for a bit until Jim Ross makes the IWC go nuts by finally returning to television. Ross plays to the crowd with his promo and tries to take the high road until Cole’s taunting gets to him. Cole and JR look ready to square off but Jack Swagger attacks Lawler from the crowd and puts the ankle lock on Jim Ross.
Lawler wakes up and saves JR but suffers the ankle lock himself as a former world champion has to get heel heat by leeching off an announcer. Cole embarrasses himself by applying the WEAKEST ANKLE LOCK EVER to Jim Ross…he looked like he was humping Ross’s leg. You’re telling me NO ONE in the locker room would run out to save Ross and Lawler? Come on now.
Randy Orton vs. Mason Ryan
Orton’s wife and kid are here (the real one this time, not the Playboy model they hired a couple years ago), so, if they were smart, they would have Punk do something creepy.
They have a slugfest and Orton runs into a big boot, allowing Ryan to hit a backbreaker for two. More backbreakers lead to another near fall and Ryan hooks a bearhug to draw crowd support for Orton. Sure enough, Randy fights out but he walks into a side slam for two. Ryan’s over the top facials are really funny after a couple adult beverages. Ryan takes his time setting up whatever and Orton hits the RKO out of nowhere for the win.
Winner: Randy Orton
-Match was three backbreakers, a bear hug, a slam, and an RKO…that gets 3/4*. The burial of Nexus continues with yet another PUNT OF CERTAIN DEATH to Mason Ryan and Punk cowers to the locker room.
-Hey, remember when Snooki slapped Vickie Guerrero? Here’s a replay to relive that classic Raw moment.
-So, I’ve been trying to avoid it all night but they had to go and announce it to ruin my night….Drew Carey is going into the WWE Hall of Fame. Who really gives a flying monkey ass? Glad they are using the Hall of Fame to plug game shows now.
-Cole rambles some more.
No DQ Match
Vickie Guerrero vs. Trish Stratus
Snooki is at ringside and Vickie’s career is on the line to try and give this match ANY heat whatsoever. Trish still looks damn good although seems to have gotten skinnier since last time I saw her.
Stall city to start until Vickie throws her shoes at Trish but, in a cruel bit of irony, she gets spanked with her own sneaker. Ziggler and Morrison both run in and brawl but LayCool runs down and takes out Stratus, allowing Vickie to get the pin.
Winner: Vickie Guerrero
-This was beyond bad -**. Why waste Trish on this junk?
-LayCool makes the mistake of messing with Snooki though and she beats down the heels. Good to see a 4 foot reality star doing what a 7-time women’s champion couldn’t do. Vickie challenges them to a 6-man tag at WrestleMania, which is of course accepted.
Alberto Del Rio vs. John Cena
Well, I had a nice writeup about this match but my internet connection decided to quit working right when I hit submit, so it did not save. In any event, I’ll summarize: Brodus Clay is an AWFUL name for a wrestler, the match was * at best because it was short, and the Miz had a pretty good Rocky makeup job going.
There was one pretty good match, no HHH, no Taker, no Rocky, another Nexus member destroyed and no real huge developments. Pretty much the same as every other week in WWE. You can skip this one.