Raw Review – October 18, 2010
-So the Penguins have things pretty well in hand against the old and overrated Ottawa Senators, so I figured I’d get an early jump on Raw and see what we have in store for Bragging Rights this Sunday.
-LIVE! from Calgary (dramatic pause), Alberta, Canada
-Holla, holla, holla, Teddy Long kicks us off (has anyone EVER made a better transition from referee to on-screen performer? Shane-O-Mac aside, of course) and has three simple words for us…HE’S TAKING OVER! Michael Cole’s smugness interrupts and orders Long out of the ring. Teddy brings out the Bragging Rights trophy from last year (wow, good to see they actually REMEMBERED they won it…Lord knows we haven’t actually SEEN it in a year). Teddy disconnects the laptop and introduces Team Smackdown: Big Show, Edge, Alberto Del Rio, Kofi Kingston, Jack Swagger (we’re not done with him yet?), Tyler Reks, and Rey Mysterio.
The Miz (helpfully wearing a hockey-like “C” so everyone knows who the captain is) comes out with Team Raw (along with recent addition Ezekiel Jackson?? What the hell?) to defend the honor of Monday night. A big brawl breaks out and Team Smackdown cleans house which is not surprisingly considering the talent disparity. Big Show challenges Miz to a captain vs. captain match for later tonight and Teddy Long takes the Raw laptop with him when he leaves.
-Recap of the whole Nexus/Cena thing from last week.
Cody Rhodes & Drew McIntyre vs. The Hart Dynasty
Ah, the breakup of a solid tag team when the tag division is FINALLY starting to get rebuilt…I sometimes wonder what the hell the creative team is smoking. Kidd attacks but gets hit with a Cody Rhodes bulldog and McIntyre kicks his ass at ringside. Some nefarious heel actions put Tyson in trouble until Kidd fights out of a back suplex and gets the hot tag to Smith, who cleans the house of fire. Legdrop gets two on McIntyre and a running powerslam gets the same when Cody breaks it up. Kidd gets rid of Cody and Tyson preps the Hart Attack but Smith wants to win it himself with the Sharpshooter and, since this is pro wrestling, that move gets him DDT’ed and pinned by McIntyre.
Winners: Drew McIntyre & Cody Rhodes
-Don’t people have to care about a tag team before you break them up? They pushed these kids for like 2 months and now we’re supposed to cry when they don’t get along? Please *3/4.
-Backstage, Randy Orton threatens John Cena and the crowd is so enthralled that they chant “We Want Bret.”
Goldust vs. Zack Ryder
Is the world really ready for another Goldust push? Dusty must be proud that both his boys are wearing championship gold even if one doesn’t mean anything…the strange thing is I can’t decide which one that is. Zack attacks but immediately gets hit with the Final Cut and pinned in 15 seconds. Yep.
-Predictably, Ted DiBiase attacks but gets distracted by the bouncing women around the ring and falls victim to the Final Cut as well…DUD. Don’t you think a better angle would be to play up the rivalry between their dads instead of fighting over a useless “title” that has no credibility because Ted never wins ANYTHING?
-Backstage, Wade Barrett orders John Cena to go out and beat up Harris & McGillicutty tonight…but first, he wants a drink of water, BITCH!
-Meanwhile, The Miz punks out the little kid from Role Models until Big Show makes the save.
Starring Paul Rudd as Paul Rudd and Stifler as Stifler
-STILL backstage, the Nexus abuse John Cena some more and smarks everywhere laugh their asses off.
John Cena & Randy Orton vs. Husky Harris & Mike McGillicutty
I still don’t get why they don’t make Cena come down to the Nexus entrance theme, not only would it be a complete dick move but it would be instant heel heat. I’ll give Harris this: He has a unique look that definitely makes him stand out from the rest of the roster. Sometimes you need a fat guy to stick out amongst the roided up bodybuilders you are trying to pass off as wrestlers. Cena kicks McGillicutty’s ass in the corner and a suplex forces Mike to the outside to regroup. The drama unfolds…WHEN WE RETURN!!
Bill Fucking Murray
We return with Orton getting two off a dropkick on McGillicutty and Cena tags in to play face-in-peril for awhile. Cole finally acknowledges the family history of both Harris and McGillicutty as Husky avalanches Cena in the corner for two. Cool variant on the Mr. Perfect necksnap as McGillicutty does it from the second rope and brings Harris back in for a near fall off a forearm. Chinlock gives the crowd a chance to cheer Cena back to life and Husky misses a splash, allowing Orton to take the hot tag to kick some third-generation ass. Hangman’s DDT punishes McGillicutty and Cena delivers the AA to Harris as Orton adds an RKO to McGillicutty for the pin.
Winners: John Cena & Randy Orton
-Pretty standard TV match with some good offense from the rookies **3/4.
-Nexus orders Cena out of the ring so they can soften Orton up for this Sunday. Standard Nexus beatdown follows only this time Barrett teases having Cena deliver an Attitude Adjustment but, because he wants the spotlight for himself, Wasteland is what finishes off Orton.
-Vickie Guerrero makes her “long-awaited” return to Raw and it, unfortunately, leads to a Dolph Ziggler promo. Daniel Bryan interrupts and drops a Lance Storm reference (“If I could be serious for a moment…”), showing why he’s a favorite of the smarks, and levies a challenge for this Sunday at Bragging Rights. Dolph accepts and tries to run away but Bryan drags him back to ringside and taps him out with the LaBell Lock. All the face divas get rid of Vickie and isn’t it nice to see Melina relegated to “come out for a comedy skit with the other models” duty after being the champion only a month ago? Daniel Bryan dances with the women in a way that could only happen on rated PG WWE or a middle school dance.
-Hey, a US Champion vs. IC Championship match! Holy shit, that’s something we should build to! That’s something people will pay to see given a great storyline! Alright, let’s do it, let’s go….oh wait, let’s schedule it 6 days before a PPV and then wonder why no one was into the match. Yeah, let’s do that.
Natalya vs. Alicia Fox
Alicia smacks away but gets rid with a Northern Lights Suplex and the Sharpshooter finishes things as the crowd roars their approval.
-DUD, expected something else?
-LayCool comes out to mock Canadians a bit and then move to the Hart family. The heels try to execute an attack on Nattie but she sends them running.
-Recap of CM Punk “injuring” Evan Bourne so he can have surgery.
-Backstage, Teddy Long reveals he has brought the entire Smackdown roster with him tonight…seems like alot of plane tickets for 10 minutes of work.
-Is it just me or does Skyline just seem like Independence Day with more CGI and no actual stars?
-So the McMahons FINALLY let all the negative political ads get to them and promote a video package (complete with a HUGE TV-PG logo) to show they are NOT an evil organization and they are a family show. Right, a family show that is going to have a Buried Alive match at the next PPV and did they really just compare their internet traffic to PEREZ HILTON?!?!
-You know, I remember back in 2001 when Vince McMahon almost killed Bob Costas live on television because he dared attack his family’s company. Now, because of his wife, he changed his entire programming direction and is bowing to political pressure. That’s not the Vince McMahon I know and love/hate. I NEED THE OLD VINCE MCMAHON, DAMMIT! God help us if Linda actually WINS….*shudder*. Basically, Vince is now using his website and TV shows to run political ads…oh joy.
-The kid from Role Models comes out to get booed and introduces Team Smackdown. Isn’t it funny that the Raw GM is totally USELESS without that stupid laptop? You mean to tell me there isn’t ANOTHER laptop somewhere in the ENTIRE ARENA?!!? What the hell is wrong with these people?
The Miz vs. Big Show
Miz brings the entire Raw roster with him to even up the odds. Show slugs away and somehow seems to have gotten SLOWER since the last time I saw him. Miz gets dumped to the outside and the two shows have a standoff which draws out Teddy Long. The Smackdown GM decides that this match sucks and changes it to a Raw vs. Smackdown battle royal. Thank God, I don’t think I could take a 10 minute Big Show match after the day I’ve had.
Raw vs. Smackdown Battle Royal
I’ll just name the jabronis as they get tossed. Jimmy Uso and Shad go flying immediately (someone call Jesse Jackson!) and Alex Riley follows soon after. Lots of punching and laying on the ropes waste some time while the fucking midget tortures Michael Cole and steals his headset. MVP gets eliminated because he’s a destined to be fired jobber and, speaking of useless jobbers, Chris Masters is out as well. Mark Henry gets rid of Tyler Reks as the Big Show continues to be fat. Speaking of fat, the Smackdown guys team up to get rid of Mizark Henry and Chavo Guerrero gets sent packing by Morrison. William Regal gets eliminated off camera and Primo Colon (that sounds like a men’s fragrance) follows soon after. Say goodbye to Vladimir Kozolv as the crowd continues to let us know that they want Bret. Instead, they get a Santino Marella elimination and a Sheamus tossing of Luke Gallows.
Del Rio and Morrison fight on the top rope and they end up eliminating each other with a double punch. Edge gets rid of CM Punk but also accidentally tosses Jack Swagger. This makes Swagger a little upset so he drags Edge out of the ring and applies the Ankle Lock to get his revenge. The ring clears out a bit as Big Zeke tosses Rey Mysterio and the camera catches the Miz cowering out on the floor like a good little heel. Jackson also takes out the tag champions of Rhodes and McIntyre at the same time to put him over.
So we have Big Show vs. Daniel Bryan, Sheamus, and Big Zeke but Bryan goes flying almost immediately because he is the only in there not on steroids…allegedly. The Raw guys double team Show but have a miscommunication spot and Big Zeke gets eliminated. The Miz finally returns from his hiding spot to try and eliminate Show but Edge (who was never thrown over the top rope) returns and spears Sheamus, allowing Smackdown to eliminate the final two and win.
Winners: Team Smackdown
-Can’t really rate battle royals but this one was a little below average. Considering Smackdown’s dominance tonight, I would say Raw is probably bringing home the trophy on Sunday.
-Backstage, Wade Barrett forces John Cena to raise his hand as WWE champion as we fade to black…
Look, it takes an awful lot for me to part with $50 when I know it’s only gonna buy me two hours (ask your mom about that one) and WWE certainly didn’t do anything to make me pony up the cash. Sure, it’s Smackdown vs. Raw but all that’s at stake is a stupid trophy that’s only mentioned when the PPV comes around. Hell, you’re not even guaranteed a good match due to slugs like Big Show, Ezekiel Jackson, and Sheamus being in there. And yes, the Cena storyline is interesting but I’m supposed to pay for a show to see if he’ll interfere in a match? No thanks. Besides, Barrett is not ready to hang with Orton in a big time match so that thing will need to be overbooked to Tuesday to get it above ***. Anyways, don’t expect WWE’s buyrate woes to be solved this Sunday and don’t expect anything spectacular in the card either.