-TAPED! from Indianapolis, IN
-Miz and Alex Riley hit the ring to announce they will face Daniel Bryan and an unnamed partner tonight. You know, not only is Alex Riley a letterman winner…he cuts the sleeves off. Now that’s hardcore. However, Bryan has found a partner, giving us…
Miz & Alex Riley vs. Daniel Bryan & John Morrison
What, no funny stretches before this match for Morrison? But how will he be able to compete? Bryan kicks away on Riley and hits a running knee for two before bring in Morrison for a dropkick and a near fall. Riley turns things around with a stungun and tags in Miz for some face-in-peril action. Morrison counters a back suplex but gets stomped down and Riley shows he can walk a mudhole dry as well.
Miz comes in with his corner clothesline for two but Morrison fights out of a resthold while Cole verbally fellates the Miz. After a few teases, Morrison gets the hot tag to Bryan and and SWEET German suplex sets up a dropkick in the corner for two. Bryan looks to finish with the LaBelle Lock but Miz shoves him into Morrison and gets the pin with the Skull Crushing Finale.
Winners: Miz & Riley
-A pretty decisive victory by the Miz right there. Miz beats down Bryan afterwards and Morrison saves but Daniel snaps and attacks both men to trigger a threeway brawl. Mystery GM chimes and books all three guys in a Submissions Count Anywhere Match at HIAC. That’s an interesting match but what’s the deal with shoehorning Morrison in there for no reason at all? Decent match but nothing great **.
Divas Battle Royal
Winner is the #1 contender for the new, prestigious, all-world recognized Divas title. I’ll just name the women as they land on their silicone. Lay Cool joins us for commentary as ugly brawling takes place in the ring. Melina gets dumped immediately in a surprise move by Tamina and Gail Kim follows shortly thereafter. Eve eliminates Tamina as the Bellas embarrass themselves with brutal offense and, thankfully, get thrown out soon after. Alicia gets rid of Maryse and Eve leaving our final three of Fox, Natalya, and Jillian Hall. The heels team up briefly before Alicia dumps Jillian but Natalya recovers and uses a backdrop to win the thing.
-While I’m always a fan of Nattie and her assets, this was pretty bad 1/4*.
-They are STILL pushing “Legendary” even though the critics say they’ve seen better film on teeth. But hey, it’s already available on DVD…don’t all run out at once.
-Meanwhile, DiBiase and Maryse are having domestic problems and a secret admirer’s love note about next week doesn’t help things. You know, something tells me a REALLY unfunny joke is gonna pay this whole thing off because Vince loves unfunny jokes.
-Sheamus hits the ring to tell us a old Irish folktale and threaten Randy Orton. He issues an open challenge and, since this isn’t 1996 ECW, it will probably suck…
Sheamus vs. The Great Khali
See? Told ya. Michael Cole actually plugs MICK FOLEY’S “Countdown to Lockdown” book release on Friday. WHAT THE HELL?!? Seriously? What drugs was Vince McMahon on when he decided to plug THAT on Monday Night Raw? I believe in nothing anymore.
After I pick my chin off the floor, Khali hits a chop before immediately getting beaten down on the outside. Sheamus gets a little too intense and uses King’s chair as a weapon, earning the DQ.
Winner by DQ: Great Khali
-DUD, of course but it only was meant to put over Sheamus heading into Sunday…so yeah, it did that.
The Cutting Edge
Edge has the Mystery GM as his guest tonight and a talking computer will serve in the GM’s place. Yeah, it’s as stupid as it sounds. There must be some GOOD shit going out the creative team’s office the past few weeks.
I’m sorry, Edge. I’m afraid I can’t do that
Anyways, after some arguing back and forth that perfectly explains why this show did under a 3.0 last week, the computer books a match for right now.
Edge vs. John Cena
Some back and forth stuff leads to Cena hitting the floor and he ends up getting introduced to the ring steps. Cole and King do their best to get this Nexus storyline over again but it’s FAR too late. Edge gets two back inside and hits an Edge-O-Matic for another near fall.
Cena makes his comeback off a slugfest but Edge dodges a shoulderblock and gets a weak two count. Cena counters a suplex with one of his own for the double KO but gets planted with a DDT for two. Edge stomps away but Cena makes his patented random comeback and tries the AA from the second rope but gets countered because it’s too early for that crap. Edge dodges a blind charge in the corner and Edge spears him down to get the win.
-BUT WAIT!! Cena’s foot is under the bottom rope so we get a restart because God knows we can’t have Super Cena jobbing to a multiple-time world champion.
So, the match starts again and Cena immediately gets the STF for the submission.
Winner: John Cena
-I really hate booking like that. A tainted win by Edge wouldn’t have hurt Cena at all. And isn’t he supposed to look VULNERABLE heading into a match with Wade Barrett, someone he’s clearly seen as above? A fine match but it loses points for the stupid ending and because the booking annoyed me **1/2. Edge destroys the laptop with a steel chair to continue that stupidness. So the first chair used on Raw in forever is used on a laptop PC..great. Good thing they saved it for such a blood feud so it would be ultra-effective.
-Oh, and by the way…A f***ING TALKING COMPUTER?!? REALLY?!?!
Justin Gabriel & Heath Slater vs. Evan Bourne & Mark Henry
The heels control Bourne to start with some double teaming and Slater hits a kneedrop for two. Bourne fights out of a chinlock and hits a jumping knee to get the hot tag to Mizark, who cleans house as you’d expect him to. Press slam smashes Gabriel and Bourne looks to finish with Air Bourne but Gabriel returns and breaks things up. Gabriel goes for the 450 but only hits canvas so Evan heads up and hits Air Bourne. That looks to be the finish but Slater goes old school and rolls Gabriel on top to get the pin for Nexus.
Winners: Slater & Gabriel
-Too short to be anything above OK **. Nexus destroys Henry and Bourne afterwards because that’s all the booking team can come up with for them to do. Nexus promises to invade Smackdown this Friday in order to cause chaos.
This is a heel stable that got shit done and got over in the process
This is the exact opposite of that
WWE Tag Team Championship
Hart Dynasty vs. Cody Rhodes & Drew McIntyre
Perusing my old WWF Magazines (circa 1995) I was amazed to find an article written about none other than David Hart Smith himself. Of course, it was mostly about the British Bulldog but still. Cody tries his luck against Kidd and manages to hit a stiff kick off the ropes to put Tyson in trouble. Some nefarious heel tactics follow as Cole has targeted Cody Rhodes as his next mancrush. Kidd uses a dropkick to put down McIntyre and gets the hot tag to Smith.
David is truly a house of fire and hits a back suplex for two on Cody, saved by Drew. The Harts look to finish with the Hart Attack but McIntyre shoves Kidd into Smith and Cody hits Cross Rhodes for the pin.
Winners and STILL Champions: Rhodes & McIntyre
-Michael Cole just used the words “Drew McIntyre” and “charisma” in the same sentence. The Harts tease dissension afterwards with Smith playing the heel role. A breakup angle is definitely NOT what this team needs….short match **.
-Meanwhile, R-Truth drops his annoying new catchphrase on John Cena, who promises to be at Smackdown and hopefully pop a rating….not likely.
-Chris Jericho hits the ring and promises to beat Orton tonight and win his title back. He’s beaten so many people that they have to cut to commercial when he lists them all. When we come back, he’s listing all his Mexican and Japanese conquests as well. He even drops goes through all of Hall and Nash’s alter egos in a funny bit. Of course, Randy Orton has to ruin everyone’s fun by interrupting with his goofy stare.
Chris Jericho vs. Randy Orton
If Y2J wins, he’s the #1 contender. Orton takes control to start and hammers away with uppercuts but a cheapshot over the referee’s back turns the tide and Jericho pounds away. More punching from Orton leads to Jericho hitting the floor but Randy is the one who gets tossed into the ring barrier. WILL OUR HERO RECOVER? WE GOTTA TAKE A BREAK!!
Sold your mom everything in her kitchen
We return with Orton using the Garvin Stomp while Sheamus looks on from the stage area. The distraction is enough for Jericho to recover and hit an enzuigiri for two (rope-assisted, of course). Jericho guillotines Randy on the bottom rope but gets a little too cocky and misses a charge against the ropes. RKO is countered into a backslide for two and a dropkick gets another near fall for Jericho. Resthold allows for some recover time and another dropkick gets two for Y2J.
We get some canned heat off a kneedrop and Jericho goes back to the chinlock after looking stalled on the last offensive series. Orton finally hits a back suplex to trigger the comeback and hit a powerslam (not a scoop slam for the 40852nd time). Blind charge misses and Jericho hits a bulldog to setup the Lionsault, which misses, and Orton looks to finish with the RKO but that is countered as well. This time the Lionsault hits but it only gets two as Jericho gets frustrated. A nice setup spot leads to a hangman’s DDT attempt but Jericho counters and gets the Walls of Jericho. After some struggle, Orton finally counters and gets his elusive hangman’s DDT to setup an RKO attempt. Sheamus decides this is the best time to attack but he also takes a DDT as the ref calls for the bell.
-Orton looks to punt Sheamus after the match but Jericho saves with a Codebreaker. Jericho looks to end things with a chairshot but Orton counters with the RKO and actually hits the PUNT OF CERTAIN DEATH! Y2J does a stretcher job as Sheamus looks on in fear….good match but lacked any real story or psychology ***.
Well, 2 weeks is a really short time to properly promote a PPV and I think the buyrate is going to show it. Add to that a move to ScyFy by Smackdown and Raw ratings that are falling “due to football season” and that all adds up to bad times in Stamford. While tonight’s Raw may have been decent enough, decent isn’t good enough anymore. I may only be one person with a little wrestling column online, but I can’t be the only person who thinks this way.