-We are LIVE! from Los Angeles, CA (home of the hottest, stupidest women on Earth)
-Some tool from Tool plays the National Anthem on his guitar and sucks at it.
Six Man Tag
The Miz, R-Truth & Alberto Del Rio vs. Kofi Kingston, John Morrison & Rey Mysterio
Truth and the Miz cut promos before the match but the crowd isn’t too interested in either guy. Kofi takes Miz over with a monkey flip and tags in Morrison for a double flapjack and a two count. R-Truth tries his luck but gets caught with a flash kick for a near fall. The heels say “enough of this crap” and run interference so Miz can toss Morrison to the floor.
Miz comes back in with a stomp for two and works a chinlock but a surprise kick floors him and it’s a hot tag to Kofi. This just in: Kofi can jump really high. Springboard high cross body gets two on Miz and the Formerly Jamaican Boom Drop hits. Kofi and Miz trade finishers leading to Kingston rolling him up with the SOS for two and a huge brawl erupts when Del Rio stops the count.
Miz takes Kofi down with a sort of stunner that almost breaks Kingston’s neck and Truth comes in with a falcon arrow for two. Del Rio checks in (earning an audible pop) with a back suplex for two. Kofi continues to play Ricky Morton after the Miz tags in, working a chinlock and trying to get the crowd going. Kofi flips out of a front facelock with a double stomp and crowd favorite Rey Mysterio finally gets the tag and is, indeed, a house of fire.
Booker gets a our first stupid line of the night, proclaiming Rey being on fire tonight after he’s only in the ring for 7 seconds. Morrison and Kofi take out Miz and Del Rio respectively with dives to the outside (with Kofi’s being REALLY high) and Mysterio finishes Truth with the 619.
Winners: Kofi Kingston, John Morrison & Rey Mysterio
-A solid opener utilizing the tag formula that has worked for the last 50 years and some cool spots to boot ***.
-Meanwhile, CM Punk blows off John Laurinaitis and meets Stephanie McMahon, refusing to shake her hand because he knows where it’s been…ouch.
-Recap video of Mark Henry being fat and injuring people.
Mark Henry vs. Sheamus
What’s up with Sheamus suddenly being the smiling babyface? Doesn’t that completely go against the character they’ve been building for the last year? Is there any better representation of the song “Ebony and Ivory” than this match right here?
Lots of punchy-kicky crap to start then more punching and then, finally, some punching. Henry tosses Sheamus to the floor while some smarks chant “sexual chocolate”. Back in, Henry hits a Fat Splash for two and body guillotines Sheamus against the ropes. A brief Sheamus comeback is cutoff and Henry goes to the backbreaker submission but the Irishman powers out and…punches, of course. Henry quickly stops that but misses a pump splash and we have a double KO.
Sheamus makes his babyface comeback with ax handles and knee drops then hammers away against the ropes. They bump heads for another double KO but Sheamus recovers first and comes off the top with a shoulderblock for two. Sheamus hits the Brogue kick but Henry tumbles to the outside and that’s like trying to move a minivan back into the ring. Henry recovers first and posts Sheamus then drives him through the ring barrier (almost killing a security guy) and earns a win by count out…weak.
Winner by Count Out: Mark Henry
-If you liked punches then you liked this match. How am I supposed to buy this as a dominant Henry win when he won by count out? Weak finish and a bad match, 1/4* for the spot at the end but nothing else.
-Backstage, Christian reminds everyone he has an insurance policy for tonight’s match. Wouldn’t it be cool if they busted out Tyson Tomko to have things come full circle?
-Hey, let’s waste some more time, here’s Cee Lo to sing the theme we’ve heard 6000 times in the last month. Two points about this one:
1. Who the hell bought this show to watch Cee Lo Green perform?
2. Why not use this to have another match? God forbid we get some guys on PPV, they might actually get over and we don’t want that.
-I pity the poor director who had to find the three decent looking women in the crowd who knew the words to the song.
-BUT WAIT…one song wasn’t enough as we get Green’s hit song Forget You as the useless divas who aren’t used on TV awkwardly dance.
-Also, Cee Lo is REALLY short…almost creepy. And WHOA, Cee Lo, you better watch that motion you made at the end of that last song…Vince isn’t going to like that one.
Kelly Kelly vs. Beth Phoenix
Man, I hope you went to the bathroom when Cee Lo performed because now you have time to make a snack. Eve is with Kelly Kelly and Natalya is accompanying Beth because everyone needs a BFF.
Kelly attacks and hits all her rehearsed spots, taking Beth to the outside and coming off the second rope with a dive to the floor. Back in, Kelly runs into a clothesline from Beth (which earns a fairly loud face pop) and gets dropped over the top rope for two. Beth beats her down in the corner and again earns a face pop before hitting the chinlock. Phoenix hooks her in a backbreaker submission, giving the fans at home a nice view but Kelly fights out and gets a neckbreaker.
Kelly gets a quick rollup for two but gets caught with a sidewalk slam for two. Beth swings away but Kelly neck snaps her on the top rope and then screams…alot. Kelly tries a handspring elbow in the corner but gets caught and Beth tries the Glam Slam but Kelly rolls through and gets the win.
Winner and STILL Champion: Kelly Kelly
-What was the point of Eve and Natalya being out there? Best women’s match in a long time but that’s not really saying much **.
-Meanwhile, Stephanie is seen walking out of John Cena’s locker room and not looking too happy.
-Still meanwhile, R-Truth meets Jimmy Hart and almost hires him as manager but freaks out about Little Jimmy again. Hey, he also meets Ron Artes…whoops, I mean Metta World Peace.
Wade Barrett vs. Daniel Bryan
So how does booking Bryan to get beat clean by Alberto Del Rio help him at all heading into this match? Aren’t we supposed to be buying him as a title contender at WrestleMania? The booking of this promotion really confuses me sometimes.
Barrett attacks as Cole reminds everyone about the Nexus match at SummerSlam 2010, which seems like it’s in the distant past already…God, they screwed that angle up big time. Anyways, Barrett works the arm that Del Rio injured on Smackdown but Bryan returns the favor with a sweet shoulder submission. A stiff dropkick floors Barrett for two and a dragon screw sets up another hard dropkick in the corner for two.
Bryan looks for a surfboard but punishes the ribs instead but finally gets caught coming off the ropes with a sidewalk slam for two. This is a real hard-hitting match so far. A very cool slingshot backbreaker gets two for Barrett and we hit a chinlock. Bryan fights out and hits a hard clothesline but gets caught with a flying forearm for two.
Wade ties Bryan in the ropes and delivers a big boot, sending him to the floor with a nice bump. Back in, Bryan avoids another big boot and dropkicks Barrett off the apron and to the floor where he follows with a high knee from the apron…awesome. Back inside the ring, a missile dropkick gets two and Bryan works some stiff leg kicks. MORE stiff kicks to the chest and head floor Barret but it only gets two. I’m was literally wincing with each shot there, Bryan is working stiff as hell.
Barrett recovers and hits a running big boot before looking for Wasteland but Bryan hooks a guillotine choke to break the move and transitions to the LaBell Lock. Barrett desperately gets to the ropes but suffers more kicks in the corner. They head up top and Barrett crotches Bryan before taking him out with a clothesline and hitting Wasteland for the win.
Winner: Wade Barrett
-I think the wrong guy went over here but Bryan definitely got showcased, his hard-hitting stuff looked great and give Barrett credit for being willing to take it. I still don’t get how jobbing Bryan helps him as the MITB winner but I’m not the millionaire promoter, am I? Anyways, this was definitely the best match of the night and something very different than the usual soft WWE style ***1/2.
No Holds Barred Match for the World Heavyweight Title
Christian vs. Randy Orton
YOUR heavyweight champion introduces his “insurance policy”….The Rated R Superstar, Edge. Not many managers get a complete entrance with pyro, so good for him. However, I’d be willing to bet a lot of money on Edge turning on Christian before the end of this match.
Edge immediately proves me right by calling Christian a disgrace and a whiny b**** before heading for the back. See Christian, you should have went with Tomko. Orton’s pop is not very impressive, so now the Orton apologists don’t even have that to hang their hats on.
Orton hammers away and hits a clothesline but Christian goes to the eyes and hits an elbow off the second rope for two. Orton recovers with a BAAAAAACK body drop and the Garvin Stomp for two. The hangman’s DDT is countered though and we head out to the floor where Orton introduces Christian’s head to the ring barrier…ouch.
Orton looks for the RKO on the announce table (it’s the WRONG ONE…King doesn’t speak Spanish) but Christian grabs his title and runs away through the crowd. Randy tracks him down for some in-the-crowd ass kicking and drags Christian back to the ring. Orton gets a little too aggressive though and whiffs on a blind charge, hitting the ring post shoulder-first. Suddenly, the crowd erupts with a “let’s go Christian!” chant that can’t have anyone backstage very happy.
Christian goes under the ring for some plunder and comes out with a kendo stick, giving Orton a nice whooping for two. Your champion loses the stick on a wayward swing and Orton rolls him up for a quick two. Christian recovers and hits a spinebuster before heading out and grabbing the kendo stick again. He tries to come off the top but gets caught with a dropkick and now it’s RANDY SMASH~!
Orton hits a powerslam and hooks a jackknife cover for two then follows with a Thesz Press. Hangman’s DDT is again countered to a Killswitch attempt but Orton hits his backbreaker for two. Randy preps the PUNT OF CERTAIN DEATH but Christian bails and gets posted. Now it’s Orton’s turn to go under the ring and he emerges with a pair of tables…the crowd approves of this.
Christian recovers in the meantime and sets up a table on the arena floor. They battle back to the top rope and Orton superplexes Christian onto a flat table in the ring…ouch. Orton sets the table up in the corner but Christian surprises him with an inverted DDT. Christian dumps Orton but gets reversed and takes a Foley bump into the ring steps.
However, Christian again recovers and tosses Randy into the steps before prepping the Spanish announce table. How has WWE not made the transition to flat-screen monitors? They still have those big, bulky things. Anyways, Christian looks for his own RKO on the table but Orton turns it into his own and drives the champ through the table.
Both guys head back inside and Christian quickly hits the Killswitch but it only gets two. A frustrated Christian grabs a chair and preps for a One Man Conchairto. He makes the mistake of spitting in Orton’s face though and Orton gets out of the way and smokes Christian with a chair shot. Another chair shot sends Christian off the apron and through the table set up on the floor. These guys are taking some punishment, that’s for sure.
Orton tosses every weapon he can find into the ring but really seems to the like the ring steps. Christian avoids having his head crushed on the steps but makes the mistake of charging and Orton powerslams him through the table set up in the corner. Now it’s time for some kendo stick payback and Orton adds the hangman’s DDT onto a garbage can.
Christian surprises Orton by recovering and comes off the top rope but Orton catches him with an RKO in mid-air onto the steel ring steps. That’s finally enough to end it and we have a new champion.
Winner and NEW Champion: Randy Orton
-I might be sick of Orton as champion but this was a great match. It started slow but Orton and Christian didn’t panic and the crowd was with them the whole time after a bit. This stood out because it was an Attitude Era match in a time when you don’t see them every couple weeks. A brutal blow-off match and each guy definitely brought it ****1/4.
-Meanwhile, Triple H has a conference with his wife out of earshot.
Undisputed WWE Title Match
CM Punk vs. John Cena
Of course, HHH is YOUR special guest referee. I still don’t know if they have the balls to end the Summer of Punk right here and kill all his momentum but I guess that’s why we watch. As usual, those under 15 and female pop for Cena while the rest are firmly behind Punk. Vince is nuts if he doesn’t at least try to harness that like the USA vs. Canada Hart angle. Don’t look at me for ideas though, I’m not the millionaire promoter.
They start slow as expected and allow the crowd to get their chanting out of the way. Two quick covers establish that Triple H isn’t showing favoritism just yet. Cena works a chinlock while the crowd goes ECW with the classic “you can’t wrestle” chant and Punk responds with a leg lariat for two.Punk works a headlock but Cena gets a gutwrench for break and goes back to the chinlock.
A body slam and elbow combo gets two for Cena but he runs into a boot and Punk hits a knee lift for two. Punk headbutts Cena’s sternum then works a body scissors but Cena powers out and tries unsuccessfully for the STF. Cena retreats to the apron and they battle over a suplex until punk necksnaps him and a Jericho-like second rope dropkick sends Cena to the floor.
Punk waits for Cena to get back in and punts the mid-section, sticking with his psychology. Punk works another body submission but Cena powers to his feet and swings Punk into a side slam. Cena tries for his token comeback but Punk catches him with a high knee on a tackle attempt and gets two. Punk misses his knee in the corner and Cena again goes to the comeback but takes another knee. Now Cena stops Punk’s offense and tries for the STF but Punk turns it into a triangle choke-type submission.
Cena gets some leverage and turns Punk over into the STF but the crowd is not buying the finish. Sure enough, Punk counters with an Anaconda Vise (which the dopey announce crew doesn’t even recognize) but it’s again switched to a Cena STF, forcing Punk to get to the ropes.
Cena charges and Punk back body drops him to the floor then follows with a suicide dive through the ropes, banging his head on the ring barrier in the process. Neither guy can answer the count as HHH gets to 9 but there will be no count outs, so Hunter tosses both guys back into the ring. Thank God they didn’t repeat the stupid WrestleMania finish.
Both guys get up and have a Yay-Boo Slugfest and Cena looks for the AA but has to settle for a stiff dropkick instead. Five Knuckle Shuffle hits and Cena tries to finish but it’s reversed for two. Pinfall reversal sequence leads to a KO kick from Punk for two. Cena responds with an avalanche in the corner and a powerslam for two.
Cena heads up top but gets caught with a high knee and Punk comes off the second rope with a bulldog for two. Now Punk makes the mistake of going to the top and Cena catches him coming down with the STF in the middle of the ring. Punk does a good job selling and fights to the ropes to the delight of 50% of the crowd. Both guys fight over an Attitude Adjustment attempt and Cena finally hits the real thing…for two. Cena gets into an argument with Triple H over the count, which can’t be good for him in the long run.
Cena heads up top but misses his legdrop and Punk hits the Go 2 Sleep…for two. Well, you kinda had to see that one coming after the previous spot. Punk sells a knee injury and heads top for the OHHH YEAHHHH Macho Man Tribute flying elbow but it only gets two again. Punk argues with Hunter again and Cena rolls him up for two.
Cena throws some hard strikes but gets caught with a high knee and Punk hits another Go 2 Sleep for the pin…but Cena’s foot was on the ropes.
Winner and STILL/NEW Champion: CM Punk
BUT WAIT…Unbelievably, KEVIN NASH runs out of the crowd and flattens Punk with a Jackknife Powerbomb, causing HHH to freak out.
AND HEEEEEEEEEEERE’S Alberto…..
WWE World Title
CM Punk vs. Alberto Del Rio
After the powerbomb, one enzuigiri to the back of the end is all it takes.
Winner and NEW Champion: Alberto Del Rio
-Wow, that was a hell of a lot going on in about 2 minutes of PPV time and it basically just changed all the storylines going forward. As for the match itself, I wasn’t a fan of the finish because the crowd didn’t pop huge since they were waiting for the match to be restarted. The MITB match was awesome so it was almost impossible to top that but it was still a main event level effort from both guys ***3/4.
-Now, as for the rest: Kevin Nash is an interesting wrinkle because now you have an angle with HHH against both Punk and Cena for screwing them out of the title (in their eyes). Also, you have Alberto Del Rio as champions and two guys who want a shot at it. Now, you can showcase Del Rio AND have fresh matchups in the main event. I, for one, would love to see Del Rio vs. Punk.
All in all, SummerSlam was a big surprise because there were three great matches and one only stinkbomb. WWE has now put on two awesome PPVs in two straight months and this one, hopefully, will make next month’s a “can’t miss” as well. Definitely order the replay of this one, you won’t regret it.