We see a video package looking at the recent history between Alberto El Patron, Bobby Lashley, and LAX, then we head to the arena for our opening match!
Super X Cup Opening Round Match: Sammy Guevara vs Drago
Fast paced sequence to start, lots of flippy lucha stuff, then they do the indy standoff. Drago goes for a handshake, Guevara slaps him, so Drago kicks his ass and clotheslines him to the floor. More flippy-dippy, and now Drago’s on the floor. Guevara goes to the top rope, and Drago helpfully stands in one place while Guevara climbs up, makes hand signals at the crowd, and does a forward shooting star press on him. They go back in and Guevara covers for 2, Drago kicks him in the head, and he hits an inverted Frankensteiner for 2. Drago puts Guevara on the top rope, Guevara knocks him off, Drago lands and helpfully shifts himself into place to take a 630 from Guevara for 2. Drago fires off more kicks and hits what I can only describe as a running flip DDT. I guess we’ll call it the Mexican Destroyer. That gets 3.
Typical flippy dippy. Whoopee. We’re at commercial.
GFW Knockouts Champion Sienna vs Amber Nova
Nova tries getting the jump on Sienna, but Sienna just whips her over with a fallaway slam almost effortlessly. Amber Nova tries a victory roll, but Sienna just catches her and hits a wheelbarrow suplex. Sienna hits a delayed vertical suplex, Nova knees out of it, so Sienna kicks her in the face and hits the AK-47 for the win.
Total squash for Sienna. Sienna gets a mic after the match to tell the fans that she did what she told everyone she would. While Rosemary was petting bunnies and writing moody poetry, nobody believed in her, including one person who never believed in her or even congratulated her for winning the titles, and that’s Karen Jarrett. She tells Karen to come out here because she knows Karen doesn’t want her to come back there looking for her. Karen comes out and tells Karen to get on her knees and tell her that she’s the most dominant Knockouts Champion who ever existed, and she better do it now. Karen asks why she should do that, and Sienna says because it’s true, and because she just told her to. Sienna backs Karen into the corner, but Allie does a run-in with a kendo stick and unloads on Sienna. She doesn’t see Laurel Van Ness coming, and she and Sienna work her over 2-on-1. Rosemary runs in to make the save, but Laurel catches her with the kendo stick and work her over too. Karen pulls Sienna off of Rosemary by the hair, and Sienna’s about to knock Karen out when Gail Kim runs in and takes both Sienna and Laurel out. Is it politically incorrect to say a female ran in to clean house? Whatever, Karen says that she’ll tell Sienna something: she’s defending her titles against Rosemary next week in a Last Knockout Standing match.
We go to the LAX clubhouse where…holy crap, they’ve kidnapped Alberto’s brother, El Arbol de la Escalera! Konnan has a pair of hedgeclippers in his hand and tells him that we don’t see Crazzzzzzzzzzzy Steve here anymore because LAX sent him on a Mexican vacation. He tells Siete Caballeros to tell his brother Alberto he better join LAX, or he’ll find him wherever he is and Alberto will never see him again. They let El Noche Con Queso go, and Konnan says he hopes he does the right thing. Diamonte helpfully suggests that he will if he knows what’s good for him.
We see a video package of El Hijo Del Phantasmo, then Bruce Prichard finds Trevor Lee backstage and asks him why he’s running around with the X Division Title. Trevor says he never got his rematch, but the conversation is cut short when Sonjay comes storming in yelling and screaming and trying to attack Trevor. Security hauls him out, and Trevor tells Bruce this proves he’s a better champion. Bruce says “Thanks for explaining that to me, CHAMP.” and walks off.
Idris Abraham, Trevor Lee & Demus vs Garza Jr, Laredo Kid & Octagoncito
Trevor is wrestling with the belt on. They do flippy dippy. We go to commercial.
We come back and find out that Sonjay Dutt has been kicked out over the commercial break. In the meantime, Trevor Lee is beating up the midget…until the midget hits him with a tornado DDT and makes the hot tag to Garza Jr. They do more flippy dippy lucha stuff, and more flippy dippy lucha stuff, then flippy dippy lucha stuff to the floor, then Octagoncito does a Superfly splash off Garza’s shoulders onto Abraham for the win.
Winners: Garza Jr, Laredo Kid & Octagoncito
More paint-by-the-numbers lucha stuff.
Joseph Park is backstage giving Grado a pep talk for his date with Laurel Van Ness, then we see them at the date and he didn’t get her champagne, but he got her COUPONS! She takes the coupons, then says it’s okay because she had champagne of her own…all day! We flash forward to inside the restaurant where they’re at opposite ends of a really long table. She pours salt right in her mouth and downs a giant, 17 patty burger in a single bite while making eyes with Grado.
Back to the LAX clubhouse, where Konnan says he sent Ortiz and Santana to grab the old man because he KNOWS Alberto will listen to him. Konnan has his clippers, and he’ll be putting them to good use.
Back to the LAX clubhouse after the commercial break, and now Konnan has Dos Caras held hostage. Spooky music plays while Carlos tells Dos Caras to tell his hijo to join LAX before something bad happens to his family. I’m pretty sure that killing Dos Caras would be a death mark kind of thing south of the border.
Low Ki vs Matt Sydal vs Phantasma
Low Ki beats Sydal up with kicks, Phantasma does flippy dippy, Sydal leg lariats Phantasma, Low Ki mule kicks Sydal for 2. Low Ki and Sydal trade kicks, Sydal gets knocked to the floor, then Low Ki beats Phantasma up and hits a charging forearm in the corner. Low Ki baseball slides Sydal’s head off, then Phantasma hits a dive through the ropes as we go to commercial.
We’re back as Phantasma gives Low Ki a super Frankensteiner, then Sydal hits a standing moonsaults on Low Ki for 2. Phantasma gets a surfboard on Sydal, Low Ki comes off the top with a double stomp to both men, and Sydal lands on Phantasma for 2. Low Ki picks Sydal up and eats a leaping kneestrike, Low Ki takes him out and goes to the top, Phantasma goes up with him, Phantasma knocks Low Ki to the apron, and Sydal hits Phantasma with a leaping super Frenkensteiner. Low Ki hits Phantasma with the Warrior’s Way and makes a cover, but Sydal comes off the top with a Sydal press on Low Ki for the win.
Winner: Matt Sydal
Well, not TOTALLY luchatastic, but could have done without it given what every other match on this show has been like. Sydal says that match was world class, and he earned a platform tonight to say to trust themselves and question authority, and if there’s an authority here at Impact, namely Bruce Prichard, to come down because he has a request to make. Bruce comes out with Tyrus in tow and says he likes Matt, but he’s getting tired of everyone demanding things. Matt makes a great point, he is deserving of a title match, but there’s a lot of others in the back who are just as deserving of a title match. This brings out Bobby Lashley, who powerwalks right past Prichard and Tyrus and gets in the ring. Bobby starts talking, and Sydal tries to tell him not to do this, but Bobby says this doesn’t concern him and goes back to telling Bruce that there’s only one person deserving of a World Title shot, and that’s him. When he held that title, he had everyone thrown at him, and he went through them. He hasn’t gotten a title shot since then…oh, Sydal says nobody wants to hear it because he’s asking for a title shot. Lashley ignores him again, and says he’ll destroy everything in Impact if anyone else gets a title shot before him. Sydal gets up and Lashley nearly spears him in half, and then Lashley tells Prichard that this is just a start and to make it happen.
Back to Grado and Laurel, who share several romantic moments and Grado looks all scared as Laurel keeps coming on to him, but he keeps telling himself (citizenship…citizenship…). He tries to pretend he passed out, but Laurel lays down next to him and talks about making out in this weird demon voice. Then we get back to Grado and Park, and PArk asks him if she’s ready for the question. Grado gives Park a big hug, and this will be continued next week.
And with that, it’s…MAIN EVENT TIME! The Swollmates jump the guardrail and lay Chris Adonis out with a big clothesline during Drake’s entrance, and we’re at commercial.
Okay, now it’s…REALLY MAIN EVENT TIME!
Eli Drake vs Ethan Carter III vs Moose vs Eddie Edwards
Everyone starts brawling right off the bell, Eddie dumps Drake to the floor and drills him with a dive through the ropes as EC3 puts the boots to Moose. Moose takes EC3 out and then catches Drake with a leaping crossbody from the top. EC3 dropkicks Moose to the floor as Eddie comes in to take on both EC3 and Drake by himself. Drake pops Eddie up into a powerslam, and they double team him for several moments until they start arguing with each other, then get in a shoving match, then Eddie takes them both out with a double Frankensteiner. Moose is in and drilling everyone with headbutts, then takes Drake and EC3 out with a double clothesline. Eddie is up and they get rid of Drake and EC3, and now they face off against one another. Moose catches Eddie with a bicycle kick, then powerbombs him over the top to the floor. Moose bicycle kicks Drake into the steps, EC3 rams Moose into the ring post, then Eddie tosses EC3 back inside and comes off the top rope with a double stomp…that misses. He gets EC3 on the top and hits a super Frankensteiner instead, nails Drake when he comes on the apron, and EC3 rams Eddie into the ring post and hits the 1%. Moose drags EC3 to the floor and they brawl as Drake sneaks in and steals the pin on Eddie.
Winner: Eli Drake
Good main event!
McKenzie Miles is backstage with the Swollmates, but their promo gets cut short by LAX, who force the cameraman to follow them because they have a scoop. That scoop is…he has Dos Caras and El Automovil Del Jardin behind the bleachers, and he asks if they have an answer for him. Catorce Tazas says he doesn’t have an answer for him, so LAX beats the crap out of both of them.
We come back from commercial as LAX drags Dos Caras and Los Zapatos Pequenos out of the back with their hands tied behind their back, and continue beating them up in the ring as Konnan tells Alberto that he knows he’s here, and he should have known there would be ramifications. There’s not going to be any legal proceedings here, they’re doing Mexican street justice: he put his hands on his family, so Konnan’s gonna put his hands on Alberto’s. I’m having Negan flashbacks here. Konnan has the entire group pummel El armario verde with kendo sticks, then says he’s gonna do something even worse to Dos Caras…he’s gonna TAKE HIS MASK OFF! Alberto FINALLY comes out and tells Carlos that he’s taking this too far and to stop this nonsense, and Carlos asks him if he’s ready to join or not. Alberto says he better not put one more finger on his father, but Konnan says he’ll only let them go if he joins them. They have a staredown and Alberto says the worst part is that they were brothers: the two of them and Mysterio, but Konnan got something in that head of his and he can’t let it go. If Konna wants Patron, he has to let go of his family right now. LAX rolls them both to the floor, and Alberto says they used to be brothers but now he’s not Carlos anymore, he’s just Konnan. He calls him a son of a bitch in Spanish, and Konnan says he doesn’t need a friend, he needs a soldier who follows orders. Alberto tells him to swear his family will be safe, and Konnan says they squash it right now if he puts the shirt on. Alberto does it, and Konnan shakes Alberto’s hand…then Alberto kicks the crap out of LAX by himself, taking great pleasure in busting Homicide up with that kendo stick. Now Alberto has Konnan all alone, and Konnan gets to his knees to beg for mercy, but the rest of LAX runs in…and Alberto destroys both of them with the stick some more as Konnan hightails it. Alberto rips that shirt off and throws it into the crowd as Konnan looks on disapprovingly.