Impact Wrestling Results – November 30, 2017

Jeremy Borash is backstage with the contestants in the Knockouts Title tournament, which kicks off tonight!

Laurel Van Ness vs KC Spinelli vs Madison Rayne

Laurel is lounging in the ropes with her feet up while Madison and KC argue.  She tries to calm things down and gets shoved down, so she attacks KC and leads to a series of rollups amongst all three girls.  Laurel with a Kiwi roll and cradles Madison for 2.  Spinelli overwhelms both girls with power moves and then mocks Laurel by putting in her fur coat thing.  Laurel is irate, and starts tossing Spinelli around by the hair before drilling her with forearms.  Madison comes in to go after Spinelli and Laurel takes them both out with a double dropkick.  Spinelli tosses Laurel onto Madison, but then Laurel catches Spinelli with something that looked like a bulldog for the win.

Winner: Laurel Van Ness

Solid opener, though it didn’t really feel like three women with a shot at winning the Knockouts Title.  Either way, she’ll face the winner of next week’s match between Rosemary, Sienna, and Allie.

Alberto El Patron is arriving at the arena.  So is Johnny Impact!  They’ll face off tonight!

Hakim Zane vs Taiji Ishimori

They do flippy dippy indy stuff, and Zane hits a neckbreaker for 2.  Ishimori comes back with a missile dropkick, but Zane quickly regains control and hits a series of MMA elbows on Ishimori.  Zane with a series of corner charges and a cannonball for 2.  Ishimori mounts a comeback and hits a Tombstone chestbuster, followed by a 450 splash for the win.

Winner: Taiji Ishimori

Good match once it slowed down from the spots.  Trevor Lee and Caleb Konley run in and attack Ishimori, laying him out with a series of finishers.

McKenzie Mitchell is backstage with JAmes Storm, who puts over how cold his beer is and telling Texano Jr that the fans are gonna be cheering for him tonight because he’s the legend of this company, and he’s sorry about Texano’s damn luck.

LAX is in the clubhouse, and they want to send a message to oVe, especially the center part of the human centipede, Sami Callihan.  They want the title back, and they’re serious like a late period.

We go to Defy Wrestling to see a clip of Sami Callihan wrestling a match against someone whose name I didn’t catch.  They do a bunch of hardcore stuff at ringside and then Callihan beats him with a lariat after hitting more high impact moves than any human body could reasonably withstand.

McKenzie Mitchell is backstage with Alberto El Patron, who calls Johnny Impact a kid who thinks he can fight with a man like him.  He broke Impact’s arm, his spirit, and even saw his mom crying.  He came back to Impact to destroy, destroy the new golden boy, and he’ll do that tonight.

KM is out back beating up a bunch of security guys while yelling “YOU WANT PROOF? I’LL GIVE YOU PROOF!” at the camera.  He skee balls one security guy down a table and into a garbage pail, which was a pretty cool spot.

Texano Jr vs James Storm

We see KM badgering American Top Team as they arrive at the arena, but they blow him off and we go to commercial.

We’re back, and they trade pinning combinations before Texano narrowly avoids eating the Last Call by rolling to the floor.  Storm hits a baseball slide, but goes to the apron and Texano yanks him down, smashing his face on the apron before laying him out with a clothesline.  They go into the ring and Texano hits the chinlock, then transitions to a half crab.  Storm gets free, but Texano with a leaping kneestrike for 2.  Storm comes back again and goes for Eye of the Storm, Texano gets out and drills him with the Last Call, then puts Storm’s hat on and mugs for the camera, then turns around and walks right into the Last Call for 3.

Winner: James Storm

Good match!  Storm heads to the back and is blindsided by American Top Team, who mob him 17-on-1 before Lashley whips him into the ring steps and rolls him into the ring.  Storm hits the Last Call on that skinny manager guy, but then everyone else comes in to beat Storm up and then Lashley powerslams him.  Moose comes to the save and clears them out, but then Dan Lambert gets a mic and says that this freakshow called Impact Wrestling has been lying with dogs long enough that they’re going to get fleas, and he’s all out of bug spray.  This needs to end next week, and the best way to do that is to take them both out at the same time and send these eskimos (gesturing at the fans) back to their igloos.  Next week, it’ll be James Storm and Moose against Bobby Lashley and their secret weapon, the biggest monster in the world of MMA…HIMSELF!  That’s right, Dan Lambert is getting in the ring next week.  Okay then!  If Russo was still booking, you realize he’d get the World Title too, right?

More classic footage from PlutoTV, and then we see a commercial for Park, Park and Park, featuring Joseph Park and his cousin, Chandler Park (aka Ethan Page).  They’re here for us, because injures are…NO WALK IN THE PARK!  Get it?

The Global Wrestling Network takes us back to the finish of the first ever Kurt Angle vs Samoa Joe match, which saw Joe’s undefeated streak end by tapout to the anklelock.

Johnny Impact tells McKenzie Mitchell that he’s not 100%, but he is good enough to go tonight.  He’s had one thing on his mind since Bound For Glory: Alberto El Patron, who he knew was crazy and reckless, but is now delusional too.  He knows Alberto has a lot of personal issues, but now his biggest problem is Johnny Impact.  He’s just a speedbump on his highway to the title, and Alberto’s getting what’s coming to him tonight.

Eli Drake is backstage with Chris Adonis to cut a promo on Impact and Adonis, thenhas a staredown with Jimmy Jacobs as they pass each other in the hallway.

Ethan Carter III joins the announcers for our next match…

Tyson Dux vs Matt Sydal

Feeling out process to start, as they exchange wristlocks, then Sydal hits the stepover drop for 2.  Sydal with a modified Indian deathlock. Dux turns it around and takes the advantage with some brawling offense, then hits a delayed vertical suplex for 2.  Sydal fires back with a series of kicks and a standing moonsault for 2.  Dux nails him when he plays to the fans, but Sydal quickly floors him and hits the Sydal press for the win.

Winner: Matt Sydal

Solid match, and by the way, Tyson Dux is an amazing wrestler and deserves a contract somewhere.  EC3 stands up to applaud him.

Alberto El Patron video package, as he cuts a promo on Johnny Impact.  He’s going to face Johnny Impact next!  Speaking of Johnny Impact, we see him chatting with Petey Williams before heading to the ring.

Johnny Impact vs Alberto El Patron

Alberto quickly takes Impact down and stomps on his head, but charges into Impact in the corner and eats his boot before getting planted with a Russian legsweep for 2.  Impact hammers Alberto with right hands, and Alberto tries to bail to the floor, but Impac takes him out with a twisting dive.  Alberto takes control and rams Impact’s bad arm into the barricade, then tells the referee to count.  Impact gets back in and they go to a chinlock, he gets free but Alberto ditches him to the floor as we go to commercial.

We’re back, and Alberto is bloody, but still in control as we see that Alberto double stomped the steel steps onto Impact during the commercial break.  YEOWCH!  Impact fires back on Alberto with reckless abandon, then dodges a leaping enziguiri and continues unloading with more clotheslines and a leg lariat.  Alberto returns fire with a big kick to the face, but Impact comes back with a springboard enziguiri for 2.  Alberto blocks Starship Pain, then hits an inverted superplex for 2.  He tries hanging Impact on the top rope for a double stomp, but Impact dodges, then comes off the top with a double stomp of his own to Alberto’s back for 2.  Impact goes back to the top for Starship Pain, but Alberto rolls out of the way and seems to have pulled or knocked the ref down in the process.  Alberto low blows Impact, then picks him up, laughs right in his face, brushes back his hair, and drills him with a big right hand.  He goes to check on the ref and gives him a kiss on the cheek, then quickly picks Impact up and hits a DDT for 2.  Alberto hangs Impact in the Tree of Woe yet a third time, rips the bandage off Impact’s elbow, stuffs it in his mouth, then goes up top.  Eli Drake comes down to ringside to yell at Alberto, who drills him with a right hand, then uses the belt to nail Eli in the back.  Alberto goes back to the apron, but Impact has had about three days to recover, and drags Alberto back in by the head.  Impact quickly hits Starship Pain to finish it.

Winner: Johnny Impact

Drake hits Alberto with the belt, then attacks Impact as well.  Oh Canada hits as Chris Adonis comes out to join in the attack, then Petey Williams comes out through the crowd and lays Eli out with a Codebreaker before taking Adonis out with a dive.  Impact and Petey double team Drake, and Petey hits him with the Canadian Destroyer.  The two of them celebrate as we call it a night.