Raw Review – December 13, 2010

Raw Review – December 13, 2010

-Just a note before we start here…if this episode sucks as bad as last week and I’m forced to sit through THREE hours of it, it’s not gonna be pretty. Considering the Slammys usually are the epitome of suck, I’m not holding my breath.

-LIVE! from New Orleans, LA (where it’s good to see Drew Brees is still benefiting from Hurricane Katrina)

-Because Vince McMahon hates my life, former WCW World Champion David Arquette kicks us off and cuts a heel promo. This heel promo is so bad I’m surprised he didn’t yell “shut up, fat boy!” to someone in the front row. Anyways, the debut of Nexus wins Shocker of the Year and Wade Barrett recaps the Cena feud for all the ruh-tards in the audience. The Anonymous Raw GM apparently didn’t like the speech so he books a match for right now…

Wade Barrett vs. Big Show
Barrett goes to the school of Larry Zbyszko and stalls but finally attacks and gets his ass kicked. Barrett goes to the eyes and slugs away but that only succeeds in pissing Show off and a big chop to the chest has my wife cringing. Wade decides he’s had enough, grabs his Slammy, and heads for the locker room.
Winner by Count Out: Big Show

-Do you like punching? Then this match is for you DUD.

-Kelly Kelly (showing off her SPECTACULAR reading skills) tries to introduce the next award but Tyson Kidd presents us with his new bodyguard instead and cuts a decent heel promo on Kelly. Of course, it gets ruined because Kelly just HAS to get her heat back…God forbid. CM Punk wins the “Despicable Me” award for creepily singing “Happy Birthday” to Rey Mysterio’s daughter.

Kofi Kingston & Daniel Bryan vs. Dolph Ziggler & Ted DiBiase
We take a random commercial break because the opening of the match isn’t important…no sir. When we return with Dolph hitting a Rocker Dropper on Bryan for two and Ted tags in to get a near fall off a cheapshot. The heels switch off on Bryan until he and DiBiase cross body each other and Kofi gets the hot tag to clean up the house of fire. Boom Drop hits on Ziggler and so does Trouble in Paradise for the pin as DiBiase is late getting in for the save.
Winners: Daniel Bryan & Kofi Kingston

-Total formulaic tag match here *1/2.

-World Tag team champions (hahahahahahaha) Santino & Kozolv do their comedy routine and present the best Guest Host moment to Pee Wee Herman, who appears via satellite (carny for “previously taped”).

-Meanwhile, Nexus confronts Wade Barrett about his Cena decision….SMELL THE DRAMA!

Mark Henry vs. Cody Rhodes
Continuing the trend tonight, Cody stalls and complains when Henry messes up his hair. Mizark overpowers Cody and messes with his face, pissing Rhodes off and earning a beatdown. We hit the chinlock to really amp up the excitement but Henry powers out and hits an ass bump in the corner. A second charge misses so Cody hits a kick and follows with a kneedrop from the top for the win.
Winner: Cody Rhodes

-That’s pretty weak considering that move hasn’t been a finisher since about 1953 and is basically a transition move now…whatever *.

-Speaking of 1953, Jerry Lawler and Vickie Guerrero present the Move of the Year award, allowing King to clean the mothballs off his fat jokes. John Cena wins for tossing Batista off the entrance ramp with an Attitude Adjustment. Clearly just an angle advancement because the Air Bourne-RKO spot was just fantastic.

Sure enough, since Cena is “fired” and “cannot be here tonight” Wade Barrett steals the Slammy and calls Cena to the ring. Of course, that totally ignores the fact that Jerry Lawler just stated he wasn’t in the building…but who cares about stuff like that, right? CM Punk helpfully points out that Cena is still smiling like a goof even as Nexus surrounds the ring. Of course, Barrett rehires Cena and books him in a match against himself at TLC in a Chairs Match as well as tonight against Otunga. Nexus attacks and Barrett beats down Cena with a chair, as if the result at the TLC PPV is in doubt…it’s not.

-This entire Cena angle should be taught at Booking University in the class “How to kill off hot, young heels when you’re handed a can’t miss angle on a silver platter”.

-David Arquette and his raspy voice comes out again to plug whatever hack show he’s starring in and presents my FAVORITE MARK EVER with an award for fan reaction…

Of course, the Miz interrupts and steals the little girl’s Slammy and cuts a promo hyping the TLC PPV…yeah, that’s not gonna help Mizzie. The Mystery GM, protector of little girls around the world, books Miz in a match for RIGHT NOW…

The Miz vs. Rey Mysterio
Miz starts off quick but gets dumped to the outside and Rey gets a seated senton from the apron to send us to commercial….

Old school

We return with our little Mexican hero hitting flying headscissors before they really fuck up Rey’s bulldog spot. 619 attempt is stopped by an Alberto Del Rio appearance and that distraction allows Miz to take it outside the ring and suplex Rey onto the apron face-first. Back in, they head up top for a superplex but Rey counters and hits another seated senton to mount a comeback and follows with a kick to the face for two. Another 619 is broken up by Del Rio but he gets accidentally bumped off the apron by Miz and Rey gets a rollup for two. ANOTHER 619 is stopped by the combo of Alex Riley and Del Rio, allowing Miz to finally get the pin.
Winner: The Miz

-I understand the cheap booking because they want Miz to look vulnerable for the PPV but I mean, come on, this guy is world champion and he needs 17 guys at ringside to win. Match was just kinda there *1/4. The Mystery GM says Randy Orton is going to face a former world champion as well tonight….David Arquette (along with Riley). Why God, why?

-Edge becomes my temporary hero by bringing out Christian to co-present the next award with him. Cole, of course, ruins it by saying “Christian…part of the legendary tag team Edge & Christian”…well no kidding, dumb ass. It would have been funnier if he called them Los Conquistadors. Edge wins his own award for Meltdown of the Year by destroying the Raw GM’s talking computer in one of the dumbest segments in the history of Monday night wrestling.

Sheamus vs. John Morrison
Sheamus attacks and ignores the referee’s warnings and then Morrison does the same so the referee calls for the bell.
Double DQ

-It would probably help if there was HEAT on this feud before a segment like this DUD. The Raw GM books both guys in a number one contender’s ladder match at TLC. I know the world is waiting for Miz vs. Morrison to main event a PPV. Sheamus dumps Morrison over the top rope and on top of a ladder in a painful looking spot. Of course, the spot is ignored 4 seconds later.

-JTG and William Regal present the Knucklehead Moment award to Mae Young beating LayCool on Old School Raw. Yay.

Divas Battle Royal
I’ll just name the lovely ladies as they are tossed. Tamina tosses Kaitlyn and Rosa Mendes before getting eliminated by the Bellas. Brie gets tossed by Eve who is, in turned, tossed by Alicia. Nikki hits the floor as does Maryse and LayCool gets rid of Kelly Kelly. Beth sends Melina packing and follows by booting Layla to the floor. Michelle dumps Beth after Layla interferes and Natalya gets rid of both Gail Kim and Alicia Fox at the same time, leaving just her and Michelle. Since McCool is banging the Undertaker, she immediately eliminates Natalya and earns more TV time.
Winner: Michelle McCool

-People always ask me why someone who looks like Michelle would date a haggard-looking Taker and here’s your answer…career advancement. The Mystery GM books Natalya & Beth against LayCool at the PPV in a tables match. Match sucked of course DUD.

-If you want a really good laugh, go check out the “Top 50 WWE Superstars of All Time” list over at the Amazon page for the DVD. It’s funnier than any prime time sitcom.

Edge vs. Jack Swagger
Swagger dumps Edge to the mat and slugs away before hitting a gutbuster for a two. Edge fights out of an armbar but runs into a big boot for two…..I just can’t get into Swagger. Oklahoma Slam is countered to the Edge-O-Matic and Edge makes the comeback with a slam for two. Swagger stops him with a belly to belly and catches the ankle lock when Edge lifts his knees on a pump splash attempt. Edge fights out and they trade finisher attempts until Edge gets a single-arm DDT and hits a spear for the clean win.
Winner: Edge

-Pretty standard TV match here *1/2.

-Meanwhile, David Arquette annoys the Miz and Alex Riley. Miz doesn’t care because he only wants to put Orton through a table. Good to see the young man has goals.

-Big Show presents the Moment of the Year award to Shawn Michaels vs. Undertaker at WrestleMania. HBK accepts the award “live” via satellite and promises to never come back…nope, never.

Randy Orton vs. Alex Riley & David Arquette
Orton dominates Riley and gets two off a European uppercut but runs into a boot and Arquette checks in. Immediately, Orton goes for the RKO so Aqruette runs away but Riley still manages to get a back suplex for two. Knee lift allows Arquette to choke away from the outside but Randy fires back and hits a powerslam to set up an Angle Slam (?!?!). RKO hits and Arquette only watches as Orton gets the three count.
Winner: Randy Orton

-Pretty much what I expected here *1/4. Miz and Arquette try to suplex Orton through a table but Randy fights out and poor David Arquette goes through the table….I bet Courtney is happy. This segment probably would have been more effective if anyone in the crowd remembered who David Arquette was. I swear I saw half of them going “What’s WCW?”

-Michael Cole presents the Line of the Year to himself and thanks…himself. However, his victory speech gets interrupted by the theme music, giving him more reason to complain.

-After a break, Teddy Long presents the Superstar of the Year award to John Cena. I love how King yells “he’s back!” like Cena actually WENT somewhere the past 3 weeks. Cena promises to destroy Barrett this Sunday and crush whatever minuscule heat Nexus has left.

David Otunga vs. Wade Barrett
It’s already 11:07, so I wouldn’t anticipate much here. Barrett orders Nexus to leave ringside and leave Otunga to a Cena ass kicking. Gutwrench puts Otunga down and Cena misses a blind charge and David hits a terrible looking shoulderblock for two. Cena quickly recovers and locks on the STF for the win.
Winner: John Cena

-Squash city 1/4*. Cena destroys Otunga with a chair afterwards because he’s a dick.

Final Word
Yet another three hour Raw that does nothing to stand out from other episodes of the show. Considering they only announced the matches for TLC on THIS SHOW, I’m not thinking the buyrate is going to be too great. I often get complaints saying I’m too hard on the shows or I’m not appreciating them for what they are…well, what they are is boring. Sure, the show might be passable but that’s not enough for me to invest three hours in it and call it a great show. I love wrestling, not stupid comedy skits and fake award shows designed to waste time because there isn’t enough working to fill a three hour show. I will definitely not be getting TLC this weekend and I don’t think I’m alone in that sentiment.