Raw Review – November 29, 2010

Raw Review – November 29, 2010

-So it’s the return of the King of the Ring tournament and yet another 3 hour Raw to close out November…

-LIVE! from Filthadelphia, PA (basically the rectum of America)

-So yes, the King of the Ring tournament, the event that has given us such legends as Billy Gunn and King Mabel along with Sir Mo.

-Alex Riley, hopefully with a BAL under .06, promises a celebration for the Miz tonight.

King of the Ring Match
Alberto Del Rio vs. Daniel Bryan
Alberto’s personal ring announcer is sporting a black eye courtesy of the Big Show’s right hand.  Del Rio takes over with a cheap shot but makes the mistake of gloating and runs into a dropkick for two.  Del Rio gets a spinebuster but Bryan rolls through and tries for the LaBell Lock, necessitating a powder and a commercial break…

Wrestling fans aren’t the only ones who wish it was still 2000.

We return with Del Rio in control but he misses a pump splash and Bryan hooks a crucifix for two. Wrestling sequence leads to a bridging German suplex by Bryan for two and a hard dropkick gets another near fall. Del Rio catches Bryan swinging wildly and gets his own German for two but a miscalculated rope attack puts Del Rio on the floor. Bryan flies outside with a suicide dive but smacks his shoulder on the ring barrier, selling it and giving us our bullseye. Sure enough, Bryan misses a dropkick off the top and Del Rio quickly locks on the cross armbreaker for the win.
Winner: Alberto Del Rio

-Pretty much a token Raw match here with Bryan doing a nice sell job on the shoulder. They must really be prepping Del Rio for something big if they put him over Golden Boy Bryan **.

-R-Truth comes out to issue an open to Nexus…I’d say thank God they went back to Truth’s old entrance music but honestly it’s the vocal equivalent of picking between getting my toenails ripped out with rusty pilers or having them smashed with a hammer. McGillicutty tries to answer the challenge but he gets jumped by someone who looks an AWFUL lot like John Cena. But….he’s been fired!! WWE told me so!! Vince would never lie to me…

King of the Ring Match
Cody Rhodes vs. John Morrison
We start off quick but Cody quickly gets frustrated because Morrison keeps hitting him in the face…oh, it’s on now BITCH. Rhodes sends him hard to the corner for two and a russian leg sweep get another near fall. Morrison fires back while Rhodes cowers in the corner and hits a leg lariat for two.  Sloppy sequence leads to both guys trying a springboard but Morrison hits his flash kick and a running knee to the face gets the pin.
Winner: John Morrison

-I honestly expected better from these guys but whatever, you knew Morrison was going over anyways *.

King of the Ring Match
Drew McIntyre vs. Ezekiel Jackson
Apparently, Big Zeke got the “Babyfaces for Dummies” book backstage and has been following lesson #4: “Always smile even when it makes you look stupid.” Rocky Maivia followed that one to the letter in 1996. Anyways, Drew pisses of Jackson right away and gets clotheslined down. The turnbuckle gets exposed in the fracas however and Zeke’s head (kind of) hits it for two. McIntyre gets a little cocky on the offense so Zeke tackles him to the outside where they brawl on the entrance ramp and both get counted out like morons.
Double Count Out

-I would be pissed about the finish if I gave a shit about either guy. Still, the finish was stupid and is a cheap way of giving someone a free ride to the finals DUD.

-Backstage, the Bella Sluts tend to Daniel Bryan but Alex Riley pops in to declare MizFest 2010.

-Speaking of the Miz, he hits the ring and formally introduces the world to my favorite mark of all-time…

-The Miz gloats with a de-motivational speech and actually stops to plug a new book before running down the WWE legends that never won the world title. Well, this is just too much for Jerry Lawler, who defends his fellow 60-year-olds and challenges Miz for the world title…SMELL THE RATINGS!!! Thankfully, the Mystery GM has seen enough and books a “main event” of The Miz vs. Jerry Lawler….are they serious with this shit?? Oh, and it’s a TLC match just to fuck with me even more.

King of the Ring Match
Sheamus vs. Kofi Kingston
A brawl erupts and but Sheamus catches Kofi with the Irish Curse backbreaker for two and goes to work on the back. Kingston kicks his way out of a resthold and chops away before mounting a comeback with a dropkick and the Boom Drop for two. Kofi miscalculates a jump and crotches himself in the corner but manages to recover and hit Trouble in Paradise. Sheamus blindly grabs the apron to save himself so Kofi tries a high cross body but gets caught with a late pump kick to send Sheamus to the finals.
Winner: Sheamus

-Well, they tried to condense alot into the time they were given but the finish was fucked up so that means it’s a *3/4.

Yoshi Tatsu & Mark Henry vs. Heath Slater & Justin Gabriel
I love how there are so few teams that one win as a team puts them in the tag title picture. Yoshi starts off quick against Gabriel but gets caught with a jawbreaker and the heels switch off in their corner. John Cena makes his way to the front row because he’s bought tickets…even though he only needs one seat. No one ever said Cena was employed for his brains. Anyways, Mizark gets the hot tag and Slater makes the mistake of being distracted so Henry hits the World’s Fattest Slam for the win.
Winners: Yoshi Tatsu & Mark Henry

-Post-match, Cena puts Slater through the announce table…..where’s all that security that bothers me every time I get up to take a piss at one of these events? Match was secondary to the nonsense around the ring 1/4*.

-After a break, David Otunga worries about John Cena but Wade Barrett calms things down and promises to end it all tonight.

-Meanwhile, Arn Anderson gives a pep talk to Jerry Lawler.

King of the Ring Semi-Finals
Alberto Del Rio vs. John Morrison
Morrison starts off with a second rope for two but Del Rio necksnaps him and stomps away for two. More punchy-kicky crap finally leads to Morrion hitting a leg lariat for two but Del Rio goes to the arm as a setup for the cross armbreaker. Enzuigiri in the corner stuns Morrison but Rey Mysterio appears and distracts Del Rio by honking the horn on Alberto’s Rolls-Royce. One flash kick later and John Morrison is the King of the Ring finals.
Winner: John Morrison

-Yet another cookie-cutter match in a night of them *1/4.

-Wade Barrett hits the ring and reveals that he is the one with the power to rehire Cena…but that will never happen, no sir. The fired John Cena appears on the TitanTron (as most unemployed wrestlers do a week after their release) and has set a trap for the rest of Nexus as the Raw locker room jumps them. Justin Gabriel gets the honor of taking an Attitude Adjustment on a car and everyone laughs like supervillians in a Bond movie.

Tamina, Maryse, & Alicia Fox vs. Gail Kim, Melina, & Natalya
Here we go, this is what this show needs…a pointless women’s match. $20 says two divas don’t even tag into the match. Melina (looking like a department store mannequin) pulls Maryse’s hair but gets necksnapped for two. Alicia adds her stupid and weak moveset and uses a backbreaker for a double KO but Santino appears and sings a song to Tamina on the entrance way. I don’t know how much more of this shit I can take. Tamina abandons her team and Natalya finishes things with the Sharpshooter.
Winners: Gail Kim, Melina, & Natalya

-Can you guess how much I liked this one? DUD. CM Punk’s description of the dead crowd and facial expression when the camera comes to him is as funny as it is sarcastic.

-Jerry Lawler career video package….this would be a lot more effective if Lawler wasn’t playing a self-parody for pretty much the last 10 years.

-Meanwhile, Ted DiBiase tells Maryse to shut up.

-Still meanwhile, David Otunga and Husky Harris try to hide from the mean old Raw wrestlers.

-Miss America, Rima Fakih, is here to crown the King of the Ring…I’m sure this is a step up from attending the openings of strip malls and riding floats in Labor Day parades.

King of the Ring Finals
Sheamus vs. John Morrison
Sheamus boots Morrison down and goes to work on the arm, at least continuing the psychology from the Del Rio match…so that’s something. Sheamus knees Morrison to the floor, HOW WILL OUR HERO RECOVER?!? Stay tuned…

Suck it, joke

We return with Sheamus, naturally, in command courtesy of a toss into the ringside barrier. Sheamus stays on the damaged limb with a single-arm DDT for two and he’s CLUBBERIN’, HE BE CLUBBERIN’! The little fat kid in the front row is so enthralled by this EPIC King of the Ring final that he concentrates on getting his poorly written sign on camera as much as possible. Morrison slugs away and hits a leg lariat (again?) for two. Do these guys even bother to change up their moveset? I mean, I can understand night to night but THREE times on the same show?

Morrison avoids a pump kick but gets hit with a clothesline and John works the Marty Jannetty 360 sell in. Razor’s Edge attempt is countered to a failed backslide so Morrison flips out of a sidewalk slam and hits a DDT for two. Morrison heads up top but Sheamus yanks him off by the bad arm (nice touch) but only gets two. Fujiwara armbar keeps Sheamus in control and he nicely avoids a Morrison counter by powering him back to the mat and keeping the hold applied. Morrison gets a desperate kick to the head and tries Starship Pain but it only hits knees and the pump kick looks to finish. Sheamus doesn’t cover but instead hits the Razor’s Edge and that’s enough for the pin and the crown.
Winner: Sheamus

-Well, I dug the psychology in this one even though they started extremely slow. It was good for a TV match but nothing to write home about **3/4. Honestly though, did Sheamus really need the King of the Ring? I would say he’s already firmly entrenched as a main event guy so what does the title do for him other than giving him a goofy outfit to wear? Let’s just hope he doesn’t go around calling himself King Sheamus.

-CM Punk points out the stupidity of showing a John Cena DVD promo while he’s supposed to be fired and is busy beating up WWE employees (whoops sorry….”independent contractors”).

Tables, Ladders, and Chairs Match for the WWE Title
The Miz vs. Jerry Lawler
Just please don’t let Jerry take any big bumps. Slow start leads to them exchanging slams but Miz takes over and dumps Lawler to the outside. Our first chair shots go to Lawler’s back and Miz rolls him back for a suplex on two set-up chairs. They screw up the reversal spot however and Miz is forced to hit a backbreaker on one of the chairs instead. Riley tries to give Miz a ladder but takes too long and Lawler unloads with some chair shots of his own. King heads out to get a ladder and KOs Riley while he’s at it…fair enough. Miz dodges a ladder shot and they tease a spot until Lawler back drops him on top of a leaned ladder in the corner…ouch. Riley returns and takes out King with a clothesline but Alex messes around too long and Lawler sends him through a table on the outside with a right hand….nice hands-free bump.

Lawler makes the first climb attempt but is quickly cut off and gets suplexed on a chair. More chair shots to the back allow Miz to head up top but Lawler crotches him and launches Miz off the top and through a table set up on the outside…another nice bump. Lawler makes the slow climb and Michael Cole leaves his broadcast position to grab Lawler’s foot and prevent him from grabbing the title. King knocks out Cole and instantly becomes the biggest babyface in the promotion but Miz uses the distraction to climb for the belt. Both guys head up each side of the ladder and Miz uses the belt as a weapon, sending Lawler to the mat and allowing Miz to remain champion.
Winner and STILL Champion: The Miz

-Well, Lawler obviously couldn’t win but Jerry is still pretty good at telling a story in the ring even if his body doesn’t always cooperate. Nice bumping from Miz and Riley kept the match interesting and the little drama with Cole had the crowd into it. **1/2 for the bumping, story, and crowd reaction to everything happening.

Final Word
Well, as I thought, the King of the Ring tournament was essentially a flop with only the final match being anything close to “good” and the crowd not really giving a shit. The TLC match at the end was good enough for what it was and I was thankful they didn’t convince Lawler to do anything stupid to put head on the Miz. All-in-all it was a very average show and when average shows are three hours long, they tend to drag. Michael Cole really has an ass beating coming very soon though.

Go Pens.