-So football season is in full swing and, while last season wasn’t a complete success, you know the 6-time Super Bowl champions are never a pushover.
-We get started right away as it is the SEASON PREMIERE of Monday Night Raw. It might actually be better to take a few months off in the summer and show some reruns of classic Raws. You’re telling me you wouldn’t watch? Thought so.
Anyways, John Cena has Slut Eve spin the wheel for his match with Orton and it lands on a Tables match. Wow, 30 seconds into the show and we already know that no one is actually jobbing the main event…at least keep it a secret for an hour and a half. Orton storms off while Cena acts like his annoying self.
-LIVE! from Cincinnati, OH (home of a shitty football team and even worse people)
-Our “guest star” Chad Ochocinco kicks us off and the great unwashed go nuts. (Chad had 12 catches for 159 yards and a TD…but oh yeah, the Bengals lost by 14…great stuff). Chad stumbles through a few lines before the Miz thankfully interrupts him to mock the Bengals. It’s really cute the Cincinnati fans chant “Who Dey?” while the rest of the league can simply say “us”.
Ranting about terrible football teams aside, The Miz tears Chad apart in a funny promo until Mr. Mystery GM orders the wheel spin and it lands on a submission match. Chad books Miz against Daniel Bryan in a preview of the PPV match this Sunday.
The Miz vs. Daniel Bryan
We come back with Bryan missing a kick in the corner and Miz going to work on the leg. Alex Riley lurks around ring while Miz applies a figure four ON THE WRONG LEG. It’s the STRAIGHT leg that’s the injured one, for the last time. Bryan reverses and tries the LeBell Lock so Miz takes a powder and claims a hernia over the house mic. He does NOT quit, as Justin Roberts claims, he is pulling out due to injury. So, he names a replacement…
Daniel Bryan vs. Alex Riley
Riley attacks and is quickly tapped out.
Winner: Daniel Bryan
-Post-match, because Miz is a heel and all, he reveals it was all a fake, junior. Miz gets a little cocky on the beatdown and suffers the LeBelle Lock yet again. Nothing match here to set up the PPV. What’s up with Bryan’s goofy smile during matches? Gotta work on that, kiddo **.
-Backstage, Jillian spins the wheel for Edge as we go to commercial.
Spin the wheel, make the deal!
Edge vs. Evan Bourne
What a stupid stipulation that NOBODY popped for. Edge teases a bodyslam but Bourne catches him with a stiff kick to the face. He tries for a bodyslam but gets hit with the Edge-O-Matic and gets bodyslammed to end things.
-DUD…well that was f***in pointless. Edge spears Bourne after the match, earning the ire of the GM and a second match on the night…
Edge vs. Mark Henry
Mark Henry is the new Kane…he’s the guy that the authority figure always calls out as a “surprise” opponent for a heel who pisses them off. Midcarder fever baby…CATCH IT! Henry misses a blind charge but Henry is too fat to be slammed so he hit’s the World’s Fattest Slam for the win.
Winner: Mark Henry
-DUD, two in a row is always good times.
Song and Dance Match
R-Truth & Eve vs. Ted DiBiase & Maryse
Are they serious with this shit? Apparently, one partner has to dance while the other sings…yippie. Truth sings while Eve does her best cheerleader dance and wastes my time. DiBiase almost earns my Favorite Wrestler of the Night award by walking out and treating this like a joke. No such luck as he sings Frank Sinatra and Maryse does her “I promise I was never a stripper” dance. Guess who wins?
Winner: R-Truth & Maryse
-That earns a -** for each one of Eve’s fake boobs. This show is sinking like the goddamn Titanic. DiBiase attacks afterwards and gets sent running, if you care.
-Backstage, William Regal gets a Trading Places match meaning he has to dress like his opponent…Goldust. Dustin still has a job? Glad they’re wasting prime time TV just to embarrass Regal again.
-Still backstage, Sheamus gets booked in a Falls Count Anywhere match against John Morrison for Jericho’s spot in the Six-Pack Challenge.
-Another preview John Cena’s new movie, which is getting reviews that fall somewhere between “crap” and “a pile of crap”.
-Backstage, John Morrison shows off that he can flip over equipment carriers.
Falls Count Anywhere
Sheamus vs. John Morrison
Morrison gets Jericho’s spot in the main event of the PPV if he’s successful tonight. Sheamus controls to begin but gets hit with a dropkick for two. Morrison plays stick-and-move before hitting flying headscissors to the floor and adding a knee to the head for two. Sheamus gets dumped into the first row and Morrison leaps after him to get two. Sheamus recovers with an Irish Curse and drapes Morrison over a steel barrier for a near fall.
Sheamus shows off a bit so the pump kick only hits a gimmicked piece of equipment but he still manages to slam Morrison’s head off the entrance ramp for two. He head up onto the stage where Sheamus tries to throw him off but Morrison lands on his feet in a cool spot. Flash kick gets two so Sheamus grabs a chair for some pain. Morrison sneaks away and climbs to the top of the Night of Champions sign for a big high cross body that only gets two. That triggers a Chris Jericho run-in for a chair shot and a victory for Sheamus.
-What’s up with booking Sheamus like he’s Honky Tonk Man 2010? Is this the same guy that was ending careers and destroying midcarders only months ago? Match looked different because they’ve stopped the brawling in the crowd stuff, but it still had some cool spots and was entertaining ***.
-Chris Jericho stages a sit-in and declares he’s not going ANYWHERE until he’s restated in the main event by the GM or else he quits. Jericho abuses Michael Cole when he receives the email stating the Six Pack Challenge is now an elimination match and Jericho is back in…if he can win the next match.
Steel Cage Handicap Match
Chris Jericho vs. Hart Dynasty
We return from a break with the Harts dominating the trouser-wearing Jericho. Smith hits his running powerslam and add the old-school Hart Attack while the crowd sits on their hands. Both Harts head over the top of the cage but Jericho stops Tyson Kidd. What a freaking moron Smith is…stay in the f***ing ring! So we’re basically down to a 1-on-1 match, totally negating the handicap stipulation.
Jericho takes over on Kidd and hits a back suplex while King tries to put over Smith leaving the cage as a smart thing. Kidd makes his comeback to a lukewarm response and stops a desperate Jericho escape attempt. Kidd launches himself and gets two before locking on a Sharpshooter. Jericho breaks by getting to the ropes and they fight to the top rope where Jericho impressively counters a hurricanrana attempt from the top into the Walls for the quick submission.
Winner: Chris Jericho
-So the basic story of this match is the tag division sucks and David Smith is a moron. Good times **1/2.
Trading Places Match
William Regal vs. Goldust
Regal imitates Goldust’s mannerisms, so Goldust pulls brass knuckles out his tights and KOs Regal for the win.
-Why not just do this shit for the live crowd during a commercial? DUD.
-Chad Johnson is REALLY boring tonight…isn’t he supposed to charismatic or something? That, or he doesn’t want to be here…I’m kinda leaning towards that one.
John Cena vs. Randy Orton
Remember, we were promised we would NEVER see this match EVER again. Stall city to start and they job around to go for the “epic feel” thing that I’m not buying. WHAT WILL HAPPEN?? WE GOTTA TAKE A BREAK!!!
Oh, the things you find on TV at 3am
We return in the midst of a “yay-boo” slugfest that ends when Orton hits his neckbreaker. Cena gets put on the apron and Orton tries to punch him through a table but our hero survives and fights back with a suplex. They clothesline each other for the double KO in a spot that’s more appropriate in a 20 minute match rather than a 7 minute one with commercials.
Cena tries for the AA but gets planted with a DDT (called an RKO by King because he’s stupid) so Orton sets up a table in the corner. Cena immediately leaps to his feet (it’s that kinda shit that bothers me about him) and makes his SOS comeback. Orton counters the AA to a powerslam but Cena come back with the STF. Nexus makes their token run-in of the week and Barrett hits Wasteland on Cena after Slater takes an impressive bump through a table.
Gabriel and Barrett double team Cena and look to hit the 450 splash through a table but Orton shoves Justin off the top, to the floor, and through a table in another hard bump. Barrett puts Orton down with a big boot but Randy counters Wasteland and Wade goes through another table at ringside. That’s alot of tables.
Oh yeah, back to the match. Orton looks for the RKO but now it’s Jericho and Edge (Rated Y2J?) that run in for some pain. Randy manages to dodge a spear and the heels go through the set up table. Finally, Sheamus runs out but takes the Attitude Adjustment on the floor because the world champion is a giant wuss who can’t beat anyone. Cena looks to finish with an Attitude Adjustment through a table but Orton reverses to a bad looking RKO to win the match.
Winner: Randy Orton
-Overbooked, much? So we have Nexus getting destroyed by 12 tired guys, Sheamus being treating like Santino Marella, and no one jobbing. That sounds like a Vince Russo match. Anyways, the match pretty much sucked and was all a setup for the run-ins. Plus, the finish wasn’t obvious enough for the live crowd and it’s never good when you need 2 replays to show who won a match. Call the whole thing **3/4.
So they pump up the whole Raw Roulette thing and here are the stips we got: A submission match with no finish due to a substitution, 2 terrible “bodyslam” matches, a BRUTAL song and dance joke, a handicap cage match that wasn’t even close to a handicap match, and a 10 second costume party match. The falls count anywhere match was good but the main event was a little overbooked for my liking. I know they are trying to do a sell for the PPV on Sunday but come on. Too many DUDs for this to be worth anything and I think I’ll be skipping shelling out 40 bucks for a PPV headlined by Taker and Kane…again.